advice

I have a friend that is very shy and introverted. She's sweet as anything, wouldn't hurt a fly but she is just so introverted that I think it's affecting her life. She is upset that she hasn't met anyone yet (as in a love interest). I think she's been on a few dates but no real boyfriend. It's gotten to the point that when we go out I have to have another friend come with us (even if it's someone she doesn't know) just because if I don't - I'm always initiating the conversation and after 1 hour or so I can't think of anything else to talk about. She talks, just not to men. I think she's scared or something. She's also gained some weight and that could be making her feel like she's not attractive. She is, she's got beautiful blue eyes and pouty lips but she just can't seem to get the nerve to talk to men.

What can I do or help her with this? I have tried talking to her about going and taking a class but I think her mom (who is nice but VERY CONTROLLING - think Doris Romano x 3) and I think when my friend mentions doing those things her mom tells her it's silly or costly or whatever.

Any advice I can give her or help her with? I feel bad, I'm one of her last 'single' friends and while she does go out with her sisters (they are twins so who are extroverts, that adds to the mix) she doens't go out all that much anymore since I've been engaged and saving $$) I want to see her happy.

Thanks

what about match.com - sometimes its easy for people to communicate on the computer at first...

I even set up 2 friends by their email addresses...just gave the guy the girls address...b/c they both mentioned to me they were interested in meeting someone...

It really sounds like a case of low self esteem. I'm sure her overbearing mother doesn't help. How close are you? Close enough to talk about how she sees herself?
That's the first step I'd take b/c she might need to overcome some of that before any set-up will work.

You're a great friend to want to help her!

ETS: She needs to cut the cord from mommy too. Does she live at home? Time to move out! She needs some EMPOWERMENT!!

Tommy: my age, 33

Her mom doesn't seem controlling but her sisters tell me that her mom even goes to the doctor's with my friend. But I don't get it - their mom doesn't run their lives! I wonder if her mom is trying to keep her at home to 'take care' of her and her dad in their old age. I don't know. If I try to talk about her mom and her controlling of her she acts like 'no she doesn't do that' but I can't tell if she really doesn't notice or if she is too scared to talk about it.

Match.com might be a good idea. But I just worry about that because once a guy and her meet, if they don't like her, she'll be crushed.

I think I'm going to start suggesting she take some adult ed classes. But I'm at my wit's end....I don't know what else to tell her. I feel so bad.

By the way, she bought a co-op over the summer. She's trying to move in but can't - she was waiting for her BIL to move her in but he keeps procrastinating and she can't do it on the weekends.
Too bad if I knew that I could have had FH and his friend do it this week, both were not working.

Yikes. Sounds like she's way too close to her mom, and probably her mother set it up that way.

Her mom keeps her dependent by discouraging her from doing anything that might take her away from the nest--like getting a relationship or a life of her own, or doing anything that would build her confidence. She must feel so conflicted! Feeling the need to please her mom, and at the same time, wanting to start her own life.

I'm sure your friend has low self esteem, and on some level feels a sense of obligation to her mother, and guilt when she thinks of getting a life of her own.

Poor thing...

My honest suggestion would be counseling for your friend. Unless she can find it within herself to cut the apron strings, break out of her shell and tell her mother she needs to butt out and let her grow up.




ETS: At least the co-op is a step in the right direction. There may be a point where you just have to let her do what she feels is best for her, even if you think she's holding herself back.

As much as we want to see others happy, and think we know what will make them happy, it's really only up to her to make choices for herself. The only lives we are resposible for are our own. One of the hardest things to do is to let someone we care about make choices we disagree with. But really it's all we CAN do.

It sounds like her main problem is that she is painfully shy with low self-esteem (the two usually go together). I personally think her best bet would be to talk to someone like a counselor. It is not that she is crazy; she just needs some guidance and support if her problem is as severe as you say. Her immediate goal should be to work on her self-esteem and shyness and the rest (like meeting a man) will fall into place. I am an extremely shy person and I really feel for this woman! It is very hard for me to this day to be in social situations, but I also try hard every day!!! Hope I've helped. to you and your friend, she is lucky to have a concerned friend to worry about her!!

Thanks guys......I don't know if she is/has/will see a therepist. But I doubt she would...her mom woudl probably discourage it. Her mom, by the way, very nice lady but holy cow what a nervous Nelly. I mean like jittery - makes you nervous being around her kind of nervous. I'm so happy she bought a co-op.

Maribelle...You have FM!