To make a looooong story short, last night, FH was asking why we don't have sex as much as we used to. We've had some personal problems in the past, and that definitely took a toll on our sex life - we're both in agreement. But, yesterday, I lead him to believe that he doesn't turn me on like he used to because he's gained weight. I feel absolutely horrible about it, and though I was trying to mention his weight gain, it's not the reason why I haven't desired him sexually. He is my absolutely best friend, and I love him to death, but I honestly don't know the reason why I've turned into an old hag (I'm still in my mid-20's!)... other than the previous issues we went through. After those issues were resolved, I guess I got used to the non-spark.
Anyway, I don't know what to do now. He's so hurt, and his ego has been shot. It tears me up that he's self-conscioys, and is questioning himself now. Does anyone have an insight into what I should be focusing on? Why did I lose that spark for him? How do I get it back? How do I boost his ego, or show him that he means the world to me?
myasmom
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
I dont know what to tell you except to try going on dates together like you used to in the past. focus more on his company. Talk to him about dieting TOGETHER. But dont make him feel less of a man..which is probaly what it came out as..try to think of dieting as a lifestyle change for both of you.
mnttnbchbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
I think that this happens to a lot of people. Well, I can at least speak for myself and my girlfriends with whom I've discussed this subject. At least for me, I LOVE my FI- same as you, he's my best friend, but sometimes I just feel like we're 'going through the motions' with sex. We live together, which I think is part of it- so we see each other all the time, and once you live with someone and see all of their day-to-day habits, sometimes they're not as sexy anymore. And there are some nights, where I just want to go to bed, not have sex.
This being said, first recognizing that it's not what it used to be is important, but you have to want to fix it. Myasmom is right- maybe try date nights, or just spend some alone time together. Whenever we're in a funk, we really do try to rekindle it again, and most of the time we can.
good luck!
aliciahelene
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
I agree..date nights are important...but more importantly...APOLOGIZE...maybe you meant it, but if he is hurt , an apology will make him feel better..as for making it up to him..how about laying around in a sexy little outfit when he comes home from work , showing him that you are ready for some action!!!
cluelessbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
I think you should focus more on why you lead him to belive something very hurtful and untrue instead of where your sex drive went. Maybe that's the answer: that you are withholding sex to hurt him? I don't know, I just think you should concentrate on being honest with him before anything else.
JLP
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
First, you need to apologize to him and do what you can to stroke his ego a bit.
Second, you need to figure out why your sex drive has been zapped. Are you on the pill? (That can certainly lower your sex drive -- it killed mine while I was on it.) Are you stressed about something? (Wedding plans? Money? Job? Family?) Is there a hygiene problem? (Breath? Stinky armpits?) Are you tired all the time?
I hate to sound like 'Dear Abby', but if you can't figure out what is going on with you and everything (relationship-wise and life-wise) is fine, you might want to see your gyno. Go for a check-up. Can't hurt.
Good luck!
Anonymous04
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
1st off, I'd like to thank each of you for your input.
Myasmom, I'm definitely going to try your date suggestion. I also had suggested dieting together, going to the gym together, but he never bit.
mnttnbchbride, thanks for relating. I feel a little better that, unfortunately, I'm not the only one. However, unlike you, we haven't lived together yet, but will once we get married... I'm hope that things will spark then - wedding bliss, honeymoon, not having to deal with parents always home (we both still live at home).
aliciahelene, I've apologized over & over & over... so much he doesn't want to hear me say 'i'm sorry' anymore... lol. I have to basically stroke his ego at this point. Get those brownie points again.
cluelessbride, I thought I was being honest with him. He has gained weight, but he understood that I was saying that I don't get turned on with him because of it, and that's not the case at all. Now, it's hard trying to retract what I said because he pride is gone.
JLP, I wish I knew why the sex drive was zapped. Not on the pill, i'm not tired at all, and there aren't hygiene problems... however, I'm not entirely stressed but certain things have been weighing on me... like the fact that I had surgery recently. I agree, I want to get to the bottom of this... and I will.
My next step is to figure out where things went wrong, and why? Fix the pieces of the puzzle, ya know? Thanks for listening, and for advising, ladies.
dm24angel
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
Good luck...I Kinda understand , have been going through something somewhat similiar...and I have nothing to 'Pinpoint' either in regards to what the probelm is and that makes it harder to be honest, because once you open your mouth saying ' I dont know' irritates people and I dont want to have to keep saying that....I like the date night idea too and may try that myself....I wish you luck!
OctGroom
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
Here's what I would do --
1.) Don't bring this up again now that you have apologized. His feelings may be raw for a bit. He may not feel sparks because he thinks you don't feel sparks.
2.) Now that the weather is nice .. do outside activities. Go out and walk as much as possible. Roller-blade.
3.) Eat healthy together.
4.) Now you call him your best friend.. and there has to be something that initially attracted you, that will always be there. Concentrate on that.
5.) Please bear in mind that what you said is probably said to women by men more times than by women to men. Still.. it hurts just as much. Try to be a bit more discreet.
In other words -- constructive critcism. If you want to point out something you'd ilke to change, try to state something either related to the subject or somewthing unrelated that is very positive. Keep it positive.
You guys will be fine.
capgrl26
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
OK...a little personal... I have a similar situation, but I'm the one who gained the weight and was not interested in sex.... A combination of the lower self-esteem and stress at work really took a toll on our sex life...also we live together, so like one girl mentioned, it was like going through the motions. I only feel in the mood when he genuinely acts like he thinks I'm sexy and he's really into me.... I would wait a while and let this blow over and then simply pay attention to him in different ways like I'm sure you used to when you first met...I know it worked for me and now I'm on the road to losing weight...17 pounds since Nov.! The simple things, a touch or smile really can work miracles!
akanini
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
Posted by mnttnbchbride
I think that this happens to a lot of people. Well, I can at least speak for myself and my girlfriends with whom I've discussed this subject. At least for me, I LOVE my FI- same as you, he's my best friend, but sometimes I just feel like we're 'going through the motions' with sex. We live together, which I think is part of it- so we see each other all the time, and once you live with someone and see all of their day-to-day habits, sometimes they're not as sexy anymore. And there are some nights, where I just want to go to bed, not have sex.
This is so true for me and I think it may happen to everyone at some point in time. Hang in there!!!1
jessnyc711
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
Wow, this is an interesting topic, glad someone brought it up. I think almost every relationship goes through stages and it's okay, this is how we learn to communicate with our husbands, fiancees, partners and loved ones. I think there are a lot of couples that go through the Weight gain - it sucks because it is a touchy subject that can cause the self esteem etc. to get affected and the sex drive suffers if you don't feel confident about your body. I think eventually the Sex Life takes effort, between work, wedding planning, fiancial issues life in general - you learn that it takes effort to maintain a sex life, but it's worth it and it's important!! Just remember to be gentle in the discussions so that no one's feelings are damaged-work with each other to express gently what your needs are.
nferrandi
Posted:
Member since
Re: Also in need of advice (sex)
I don't think I can give much better advice than you've gotten, but I can add to the population of girls who have 'been there, done that.' FH and I have been together for 9 years, living together for 3, and sometimes we go through dry spells. We actually just had this discussion Saturday night that we both need to make an effort to persue each other a little more and make sex a priority in our lives, just like eating dinner every night. My mom once told me this saying and it's so true, 'when you're having sex regularly it's only 10% of the relationship, when you're not it's 90%' No matter what anyone may tell you, sex is an important part of any healthy relationship and it needs work.
