am i right to be upset? (kinda long, sorry!)

as some may know, last nov. fh's mom passed away unepectedly from cancer (they had told us she was doing better just that day!) and we went through alot. from the day his mother passed away, fh has had a 'fear' that his family (aunts, cousins, etc) would dissolve since his mother was in many ways the glue of the family. in all honesty, i have tried so hard ot keep them together as we were always a close family before, but it does not seem to be working....

as a side note, my family basically dissolved after my grandmother died and aside from my parents, sister and one aunt, they have no contact with us except at chrsitmas when we get cards and gifts - i would much rather a family over a present anyday but they do not....it hurts my mother so much to see how they treat her, and my sister and i, and for no reason at all - i was 8 at the time, sis was 7 and we 'lost' so much of our family in one day...
but anyway, i digress....(sorry!)

starting last spring, fh's family started excluding us in things - first it was a chrsitening where we were invited and then disinvited due to money resosn - which i would believe had they not bought two new cars and re-done all the furniture in their house (sorry, i don't mean to be nasty about it but its true!) luckily, they still invited ffil and so we said nothing.

two months later, same thing again, but this time for a communion - please come to 'uh, we don't have the $$' - they then scheduled a different baby shower for fh's birhtdya (his first one without his mom) which never would have happened if his mom was alive..needless to say, i decined but sent a gift.

the final capping point for all this was today when i opened an email from his other cousin who once again explained that she wished we could come, but money is too tight....and maybe i am overeactig but it has been such a sensitive area for us now....fh feels it is his fauly and they they don't like him - which is crao and i just am heartborken - i was always closer to his family than my own and it just hurts - we neevr see them anymore - they are always busy and never available to make time for us to see them...and they all claim poverty - as if us paying for a wedding isn't hard either...

in some ways i feel it is my fault, like i failed fh for not being able to keep his family together but in others i see it as thier chance too. i woudl have expected this from my family and not his - i am so tempted to email his cousin back with a note (not nasty) just explaining how we feel but i don't want to start troubles for us either....

we don't know what to do..are we beign over sensitive or can we aso be right??

ps - i should add we just sent out our invites to the wedding and now fh is joking we should then send them emails sayign 'we know you are getting the inivites but sorry - the oney is really tight' just to see how they feel.....

i probably didn't explain this too good - but any advice would be appreciated - it just makes me so sad - i want us to have a happy life full of family and friends - we are so lucky to have wonderful firends who will always be there for us (and have been!) but we kinda want the family that is too!

thanks

Why not tell his cousin, in person not via e-mail, that you are very upset over how you and your FH have been treated over the past few months?

I would not blame myself for their actions. I mean, unless you cursed these people out or hit one of them, this is on them. Their behavior is really sad.

My family is also not the same since my Nanny died. I knew it would change and it did. My father's sister turned into a super bitc= instead of just her usual bitc= self. And now sides have been taken. Honestly, it is sad but many people just wait to show their true colors.

Next time you get one of those e-mails honestly just call them and say 'if you don't want us there that is fine but please stop telling us you wish you could invite us'.

Don't be surprised if some do not attend the wedding. They seem rather selfish IMO.

This isn't your fault nor your FH's and neither of you should blame yourselves. Only thing I think you and he could do is holiday have dinners or get togethers with them too keep in touch?

Same thing kinda happened to my family after my mom suddenly passed away too. I have two aunts - her 2 sisters - both lost their husbands 10 and 12 years ago - but one of them acts like she's got better things to do than to contact me and even her own sister. She drives right past her own sister's house on the way to her daughter's house and has been given more than a few 'stop in' invites and she never accepts. Weird. Never get invited over for holidays now. Her own two children (my cousins) are married with children so I can understand getting together - you need a big place - but I know she has parties and invites HER in-laws. Strange.

On the other hand my other aunt and I have gotten closer. All her kids are grown and not married (one has girlfriend and baby) and out of the house. She is the one that offered to have the engagement party for us. We e-mail daily. My other aunt? Three days for an e-mail reply. I think the aunt I'm closer too is actively trying to make it easier on me because I did lose my own mom, with wedding planning and all.

Anyway I totally digressed. I don't know why families do this when someone who is like the anchor of the family dies. Grief? maybe being together brings back too many memories? I don't know. But please dont' think it's your fault or FH's fault b/c it isn't.

it's hard. I have a VERY VERY small family and what I do have hardly sees one another, and hardly talks. I have learned that this is not how I want my family to be. I am going to raise my children to call their cousins and aunts, and grandparents and get together as often as possible!

Stay calm & happy!!!!

thanks girls - we have tried to have them over for holdiays, etc and i certianly still send gifts, cards, etc to them b/c we don't want thier kids to suffer or get stuck int he middle as my sister and i did, but its hard...i like the idea of the email line....i will try to call her and talk to her within a few days so i can 'cool off and think it out'- first i am going to make up a cheat sheet list of things i want to say too so i won't chicken out. its hard b/c i don't want to make it worse but i don't want it to fester either and erupt down the line....

in fact, we had originally aksed them to have their children (5 of them) in the wedding when fh's mom was alive and they said yes - after she died they decided it was too expenmsive (we had said from the get go that we knew it was alot but we wanted them if they would like the kids to - and it was 'no problem'!)

i should also add that they hve all proclaimed they can't wait for the wedding...and soem did come ot my shower..but i guess we should brace ourselves for their 'no's' at the last minute too....

michelle and maribelle sorry to hear about oyur losses too..thanks for understanding!

you have every right to be upset. thats wrong for them to disinvite family, and continually do it. if it were me and my fh i know we'd probably do what you jokingly said and either send them an email doing the same thing back to them, or send them an email in response to the 3 dissinvitement, and tell them,- that you'll assume all future invitations you'll just be disinvited from,and that youd rather not be invited in the first place, instead of being put through being invited, saving the date, then being rejected, since money is not an issue when you would be showing up with a gift anyways. im sorry you have to go though this. you seemed sooooooooo sweet at marni's house, you dont deserve that

I don't see anything wrong with sending them an email and letting them know you are both hurt.
They obviously don't feel bad about inviting and dis-inviting you over and over.That is extrememly rude.
How would they feel if it was continually done to them? Someone needs to have a talk with them.
Good luck!

I think you have every right to be upset. It's sad that the family not capable of staying together. As I was reading your message I didn't know what would be worse, not inviting you at all or the un-inviting they have been doing. Which utterly appalls me

This is all on them - you and your FH did nothing wrong and are not responsible for their terrible behavior.

thanks for your support everyone - and the fms too - i made a preliminary list of what i want to say but will go over it again tomorrow and then try to call her either tomororw or monday....


as a ps - fh's sister called me to tell me she understood too and felt the same way which was very nice and i really appreciated it!

you should be upset, I dont blame you
that is rude what they say to you

hope it all works out...good luck...