Am I wrong here?????

This is completely un-wedding related...I am going through a very difficult situation right now and I dont know if Im doing the right thing...

Almost 2 years ago, my BFF's (lets call her Sue) husband (lets call him Cody) cheated on her with one of my other best friends (lets call her Mary). All they did was kiss and it was more of an emotional thing than physical. I had NO idea about it, and basically found out about it when Sue found out. I heard both sides of the story, both Mary's and Cody's. I also worked with both of them, and from my point of view, I felt that Cody pursued Mary. Also, Cody was talking to other women, not just Mary. Sue however, feels that Mary pursued Cody and tried to ruin their marriage. Mary and I share an office, we work very close together, and like i said she is one of my best friends. She has always been a great friend to me, we get along fantasically, and up until she had the indiscrection with Cody, we had no problems. After everything happend, I tried to keep myself out of the situation as much as possible, but that didnt happen, I got thrown right in the middle of it. Basically, Sue told me if I remained friends with Mary, we couldnt be friends. So, I tried to distance myself from Mary, but 1. i dont feel this was her fault and I hate the double standard thing 2. sue forgave cody and they went on to have a child and are living happily ever after together 3. i work so closely with mary that it would be hard for me to hold a grudge against her, especially since she didnt do anything directly to me. So recently we started to become close again. Sue found out. Now, I was suppose to be her sons Godmother whom she is baptizing in June. She is the MOH in my wedding. And she JUST emailed me telling me that we are no longer friends, that shes not gnna b in my wedding, and i'm obviously not going to baptize her son anymore.....all bc I have a friendship with Mary. Just to let you guys know, I have NEVER put Mary before Sue, and I have always kept them seperate in everything I do bc of the situation. I am DEVASTATED. I am shocked. I am so hurt its beyond words. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my entire life, all bc I remained friends with another woman.

I dont know what to do...am i wrong??? I feel like somehow this is my fault. Sorry this is so long.

wanted to give you for right now...

i need to think about this some more - but WOW that is one crazy situation you're in... sorry girl

your friend Sue is living a dream. as much as she is your best friend, she's taking the side of a TOTAL JERK. it takes two to tango, and she's taking out her aggression on you. as much as she is your best friend, you are probably better off without that hostile situation in your life every day.

i'm sorry you have to deal with this and NO you are NOT WRONG.

i am so sorry you are going through this

what drama! i hate to say it, but if Sue doesnt want you to be friends with mary then sue has issues. It was one thing if she kicked cody out of her life and wanted nothing to do with either of them but since she forgave him, why cant you be friends with her??? Unless she still has trust issues with Cody and thinks they may somehow see each other again if you guys are friends, but that is something she needs to work on in the relationship. if you didnt work with mary i would also say maybe i could see sue's point, but its hard to cut ties with someone at work.
I really cant say I see Sue's point but I dont know how to help solve the problem. I think you need to speak to sue and explain your side (that you work together and that if she forgave her husband why cant you do the same)? It is a very unfair situation for you and I cant think of a good resolution...maybe some other girls can shed some light on here for you. i just want to say sorry you have to stress over this and lose a friend over something completely not your fault. a true friend wouldnt put you in a situation like that imo

I think this is a very sticky situation, and I'm very sorry that you wound up losing a dear friend over it. This being said, I don't think you could have gone about it much differently. If you didn't work with Mary, I'm sure you would have likely distanced yourself from her to a greater extent; however, being that you two work together, it's not that simple.

I think your friend Sue just feels very insecure after being cheated on and is taking some of her frustration and aggravation out on you. If she gives you a chance to explain, I would be honest with her and tell her that you never wanted to lose her as a friend, nor were you 'choosing sides' (seems like something she might throw in your face) by maintaing a cordial friendship with Mary. JMO. Hope this helps.

I explained to her that Mary and I work together and that its hard for me to just cut her off. I reassured her that I am NOT taking sides and I judge noone in this situation, and I even told her that no matter how many friendships I have, none can compare to wat I have w her (sue). Still, she just coldly told me 'there is no loyalty here, I dont feel the same way about us as friends, we cant be friends anymore'. ***????

ok Same situation happened with me....

**Jen** and **Don** were married and happy, (and closely related to me) we were all friends with **amy** and **kevin** who are married too... AND ALLL work together (still to this day)

don and amy 'hang out' and end up making out a little bit (a few diff times)

no one knew anything for two years, then when Jen had her first child, one month later Amy comes out and tells kevin that her and don hooked up. it was the begining of the end for all of us.

FH is torn because Jen and Don are reeeealy close (as am I) but Amy and Kevin had never done anything directly to us to make us not want to hang w them.. its the loyalties of being friends that you get stuck in the middle

So long story short, we still remain friends, but I have kept it on the DL out of respect for Jen and Don.

I find it obnixious that she can forgive her husband but she cant forgive the girl. You never know what the husband was saying to the girl to get her to begin with. and if your friend cant understand that then she never will and its a [ointless arguement, but she will realize when you are not there anymore that she lost an amazing friend for some stupid girl that was her husbands fault to begin with.

You are not the person that is wrong in this situtation. You did the right thing to keep out of it. Unfortunately, your friend really needs a reality check because this is not high school and if her husband strayed however minor it may have been is on him, the other girl may have been wrong but she wasnt the one married to your best friend. If your best friend is willing to throw away your friendship over something as petty who you are friends with she may have saved you some grief because your best friend would have had you walking on eggshells forever. This is a sh*tty situation but its only because your friend is in dream land.

Ugh. She is totally, completely wrong. I am so sorry...hopefully she realizes what she is losing here

---

Posted by BigDsGirl

I explained to her that Mary and I work together and that its hard for me to just cut her off. I reassured her that I am NOT taking sides and I judge noone in this situation, and I even told her that no matter how many friendships I have, none can compare to wat I have w her (sue). Still, she just coldly told me 'there is no loyalty here, I dont feel the same way about us as friends, we cant be friends anymore'. ***????

---

I'm really sorry hun. Really. But honestly, its better that you found this out about her now rather than in 20 years. She clearly has some personal issues that she needs to resolve before anything else. She seems to not want to take what you're saying into consideration at all, and I can totally understand that being so hurtful. Just know that you're not guilty and don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty. You've tried and your efforts have been rebuffed. Not much else you can really do, to be honest...

---

Posted by spdy540

You are not the person that is wrong in this situtation. You did the right thing to keep out of it. Unfortunately, your friend really needs a reality check because this is not high school and if her husband strayed however minor it may have been is on him, the other girl may have been wrong but she wasnt the one married to your best friend. If your best friend is willing to throw away your friendship over something as petty who you are friends with she may have saved you some grief because your best friend would have had you walking on eggshells forever. This is a sh*tty situation but its only because your friend is in dream land.

---

totally agree!

She is taking her anger out on the wrong person and she needs to get over it. Its not like Sue will ever see Mary so what the heck does she care that you are co workers?? She knew that before this whole thing happened.

---

Posted by Soon2bMrsB91511

I think your friend Sue just feels very insecure after being cheated on and is taking some of her frustration and aggravation out on you.

---

this exactly. It's a terrible situation but if I were in your friend's shoes I still would never TELL someone they couldn't be friends with someone else. No one has any right to tell a person who they can or cannot be friends with and give ultimatums like that if they continue to befriend a person. Especially in your case where you work with the other person - how can you not carry on some form of a relationship with her when you are that close to each other on a daily basis.

Hopefully you're friend starts to calm down a little about this situation and lets you explain your side of things.

Girl .. im sorry you were caught in the middle of a tough situation. I can see why Sue is upset. But it's pretty hard for you to keep a distance from Mary when you work together and have to interact with eachother during the work week. If Sue should be mad at anyone, it should be her husband for making her feel insecure. She obviously still has big insecure issues and perhaps she feels like your friendship cheating on her with mary by still being friends with her after everything that has happened. But if she had to end any relationship b/c of Mary, it should have been the one with her husband and NOT you.

It surprises me how quick a girl can end just like that long years of friendship over something like this, yet still stay with their husbands after they have cheated on them?

You've done nothing wrong. So don't feel bad. You tried your best to not get stuck in the middle and unfortunantely you did. Sue will just have to deal with her feelings and realize she's the one thats wrong. And when she does, trust me, she will come around and feel really bad. Or when her husband cheats on her again with someone else, she will have no one else to blame and she will remember how much she needs your friendship and will apologize. I'm sorry hun you are going thru this.

---

Posted by JRT5412

Girl .. im sorry you were caught in the middle of a tough situation. I can see why Sue is upset. But it's pretty hard for you to keep a distance from Mary when you work together and have to interact with eachother during the work week. If Sue should be mad at anyone, it should be her husband for making her feel insecure. She obviously still has big insecure issues and perhaps she feels like your friendship cheating on her with mary by still being friends with her after everything that has happened. But if she had to end any relationship b/c of Mary, it should have been the one with her husband and NOT you.

It surprises me how quick a girl can end just like that long years of friendship over something like this, yet still stay with their husbands after they have cheated on them?

You've done nothing wrong. So don't feel bad. You tried your best to not get stuck in the middle and unfortunantely you did. Sue will just have to deal with her feelings and realize she's the one thats wrong. And when she does, trust me, she will come around and feel really bad. Or when her husband cheats on her again with someone else, she will have no one else to blame and she will remember how much she needs your friendship and will apologize. I'm sorry hun you are going thru this.

---

This! Sue is taking her pent up anger and aiming it at the wrong person. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe she wrote to you without thinking clearly and is just blinded by anger. You should tell her how unfair she is being.

I hope things work out and I am soooo sorry you are going through this.

i have to agree with the other girls as well

This girl is taking her anger out on you instead of her husband. She is clearly in a crappy situation and instead of facing the facts of what her husband did she is tossing her frustration onto you.

it is really sad but like some other girls said, if she is so willing to toss your friendship away then imo she is not worth your friendship, as sad and terrible as it is, you really dont need negative people in your life, especially people who don't appreciate you

did you talk to her face to face or just in an email?

i hate to have you chasing her and knocking down her door but the only thing I would rec is maybe speaking to her one on one, face to face, if you haven't already

this way you wont feel any guilt or regret that you didnt try or fully explain the situation to her

i know if it was me in the situation, id prob want to fully explain myself to her...regardless of the outcome

I'm surprised myself that she was so quick to say 'i dont feel the same, we cant be friends', its shocking to me.

As far as speaking to her face to face, she was the one that initiated the email and she specifically stated in the email that she did not want to talk face to face, bc she did not want to see me .

My FH also tells me that she must be very insecure, and its funny but I never thought she really was until now....

i am so sory you have to go through this.
i know that it will be very hard to fill the space her void will leave behind, but you can do nothing else except move forward.
unless she is willing to understand that she is living in 'la la land' you will not get through to her because she feels you have betrayed her by being friends with someone she considers a potential threat.