Hi! It being that complicated time of year for us interfaith folks, I was wondering if there were any others around...
I was also wondering: how do you handle the holidays? Especially, if you live together, what do you do about decorating? Do you have a tree (if one of you is Christian and the other isn't)? What rituals/traditions do you do, and which ones don't you do? How do you families handle your choices?
About me: I'm Jewish, my FH is Catholic. We want to share as much as possible - I go over to his parents' house for Christmas Eve (when they have their big family dinner), and I help them decorate the tree, etc. I still live with my parents, so we light the menorah every night, and I like him to come over and share that with me as often as possible. It will get more complicated when we're living together though, because I know my parents are going to have a lot of trouble stomaching seeing a Christmas tree in my home, even a small one, but it's really important to my FH to have that, and to decorate the house. And I love decorating, and would love to do a nice mixture of Christmas and Hannukah decorations (in my parents house we have a lot of fun with it -we even have dreidel lights we put up on the bannisters). But, it's just going to be difficult for my parents to handle anything Christmas in my home... it's hard to explain why if you don't already understand.
so, how about you? What are you, and how do you handle it?
edit: While I appreciate those of you who want to offer me advice, I was really just looking to hear what other people do, and to see who else here is interfaith and in a similar situation to me. I understand that a Christmas tree is not a religious symbol, and I understand that Chanukah is not a religiously important holiday, etc, etc. Every family is different, so it will be hard for you to understand my family and my situation if you're not going through the same thing I am. So, please, share your story, like I did, and feel free to commiserate if you're going through the same thing, but I'm really not looking for advice or criticism. I was really just sharing my situation just... to share it, I guess, and see how many others are going through the same thing. thank you. oh, and also, please do respond if you have a split other than Christian/Jewish. I really wanted to hear stories from all kinds of interfaith couples.
BJandDan
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Re: any interfaith couples here?
He is Jewish I am catholic. Both unpracticing.
We lived together in the past. Our parents don't care that we have a tree and will have a menorah because he spoke with his and I spoke with mine before hand. We are a creating a home, blending two religions together. Therefore we will represent both religions.
I actually got to put our tree up this year for the first time in years. FH was so excited to see it and to look at all the ornaments that we had collected over the 3 years we lived together. He even commented on the Santa topper that we purchased together saying that we had picked out something so nice.
This year for the first time his parents are coming to my house for xmas dinner and mine are going to his for Chanukah dinner on Monday night. Everyone is very excited.
I think (and FH just peaked and agrees) that you need to sit you parents down and explain that you are blending your families together, and therefore will have a tree AND a menorah.
So, Merry Christams and Happy Chanukah!
weddingbunny
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Posted by BJandDan
I think (and FH just peaked and agrees) that you need to sit you parents down and explain that you are blending your families together, and therefore will have a tree AND a menorah.
So, Merry Christams and Happy Chanukah!
Thanks... it sounds like it's working out well for you guys. Unfortunatley, it's a little more complicated for me. My parents are completely aware that we will have both a tree and a menorah, but that doesn't make it any easier for them to swallow. It's not like a 'I'm going to disown you for having a tree' kind of thing, but just a 'we love you, and we love Jeff, and we know that's what really matters, but we still would have been happier if you'd chosen to marry a Jew, and it's going to be very hard for us to swallow if there's a Christmas tree in your house.' I think it's maybe especially hard because out of my 3 siblings, it's not looking like they'll have any purely Jewish grandkids... I'm marrying a Catholic, my sister, although she's only 16, is really really serious about a non-Jew (and Jeff and I have been together since we were 16...), and none of my brother's girlfriends have been Jewish. I think they feel that they've gone wrong somewhere in bringing us up because marrying Jewish just isn't important to us. So, my parents are trying, but they are struggling, my dad especially. It's just not something that can be solved with a conversation, I think it will take time and some diplomatic handling on my part. My dad keeps saying things like 'I'm being so good about this aren't I? I'm not giving you a hard time at all about it. Maybe I should be.... but I haven't been.' yeah. So, it's difficult. Thanks for your advice though, and I hope some day soon this won't be an issue anymore.
marymoon
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MY FH's family has that same issue about intermarriage. Both of their children will be intermarried... so it's difficult for them. We have a tree and a menorah. Last year was the first year we did this and his parents came over and saw the tree. They had sort of unhappy looks on their faces, but they didn't say anything. You can try talking to your parents, but our strategy ahs just been that we're going to do what's right for us and we don't give a sh-- what anyone says. Good Luck
TheFutureMrsM
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a tree really doesnt have any religous meaning...its a tree and lights and ornaments. Its the most wonderful time of the year. My FI is jewish and his parents have a menorah and thats it, very plain no decoration nothing special. Thats their choice. They do not decorate anything and never did. He gets very little presents from them, just cash. They dont go to the stores and put thought into it. Nothing to open no wrapping paper. For them its not even a big holiday at all. So hopefully your parents will not be upset about having a tree, after all its where the presents go under!!!
Soccer_Girl
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Mrs. dleeny
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we are in the exact same situation as you are. I am Jewish and my DH is Catholic.
I agree that this time of year is complicated. Especially this year being that Christmas and Hanukkah are both today.
Regarding how we decorated, since we live in a 1 bedroom apt., DH didn't want a Christmas tree. I wanted to decorate for Christmas but he didn't want to. He kept saying next year when we have a bigger place. I have a menorah and will light the candles every night.
You found your soul mate and you're marrying him. I am sure that your parents have accepted him by now. We can't help who we fall in love with. My parents, or actually my mom, was probably the one who took it the hardest. our parents want us to be happy, but deep down they also want us to marry our 'own kind'. my mom loves her new son in law and accepts him 100%!
MrsP2Be
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Posted by soontobe2007
a tree really doesnt have any religous meaning...its a tree and lights and ornaments.
It's not, but to Jewish people it's a symbol of a holiday they just don't celebrate.
lipglossjunky73
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I grew up going to yeshivas, and have never dated anyone seriously who was Jewish... My ex and I had a tree and a menorah, and my parents just knew that it comes with the territory of being with someone not Jewish - same thing with my FH - we do both, and he has 2 daughters, so we celebrate Hannukah with them as well, they go to my parents house for Hannukah parties and get Hannukah gifts - my parents wished I chose someone Jewish, but what can you do? They know we do both and are fine with it...
BKtoLI
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I'm Catholic with a Jewish father and my FH is Jewish. However neither of us is heavily religious, however our families do celebrate the holidays.
We work it out that we spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. I know he prefers for me to say Happy Chanukah to him, and not consider any present I give him to be a Xmas present. I always find this amusing because he doesn't care about religion at all. My father even though he is Jewish also, doesn't care about religion either, so he has adjusted to celebrating Christmas instead of Chanukah.
My parents are completely happy and don't have an opinion on my marrying someone Jewish. If anything, my mother (who's a Puerto Rican Catholic) kept telling me to find a 'nice jewish boy' to marry. My father just wanted me to be happy.
His parents I think (particularly his mother) I think are slightly disappointed that he is not marrying a Jewish girl. But they have accepted me 100%. When they called us yesterday, they only said 'Happy Chanukah', which I could have been ticked about, but I blew it off.
You do what you can to try to make both sides happy, but ultimately it comes down to how we both feel about it. FH was shocked at all of the presents we gave each other last year and this year for Christmas, so I think he is opening up to the idea and not dreading spending it with my family.
However, when we have kids, and figure out what holidays we will celebrate, that will be another story!!
weddingbunny
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Posted by BKtoLI
I'm Catholic with a Jewish father and my FH is Jewish. However neither of us is heavily religious, however our families do celebrate the holidays.
We work it out that we spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. I know he prefers for me to say Happy Chanukah to him, and not consider any present I give him to be a Xmas present. I always find this amusing because he doesn't care about religion at all. My father even though he is Jewish also, doesn't care about religion either, so he has adjusted to celebrating Christmas instead of Chanukah.
My parents are completely happy and don't have an opinion on my marrying someone Jewish. If anything, my mother (who's a Puerto Rican Catholic) kept telling me to find a 'nice jewish boy' to marry. My father just wanted me to be happy.
His parents I think (particularly his mother) I think are slightly disappointed that he is not marrying a Jewish girl. But they have accepted me 100%. When they called us yesterday, they only said 'Happy Chanukah', which I could have been ticked about, but I blew it off.
You do what you can to try to make both sides happy, but ultimately it comes down to how we both feel about it. FH was shocked at all of the presents we gave each other last year and this year for Christmas, so I think he is opening up to the idea and not dreading spending it with my family.
However, when we have kids, and figure out what holidays we will celebrate, that will be another story!!
ha, once there are kids things definitely get more complicated! people keep asking me things like 'well, won't your kids be Jewish because their mother is Jewish?' (Jews determine religion by the mother). My only response is 'kids? I can't even think about kids yet!'
Soon2BeMrs2006
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I'm christian Orthodox and also jewish since my dad is jewish and FH is catholic. I am not religious at all and neither are my parents so for us it isnt an issue. we split the holidays up and hopefully once we're married we will host christmas.
BHW
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I'm Jewish and DH is Protestant although he isn't religious at all. We haven't decorated our place, but we'll probably have a tree after we buy a house. I'm sure my parents won't be thrilled with us having a tree. They'd prefer we celebrate Christmas outside of our home. If having a tree is important to DH though, we'll have one. We spent Christmas with DH's family although my parents and brother spent Christmas Eve with us at DH's grandmother's house. Since Chanukah isn't really an important religious holiday, when it falls right around Christmas, we'll probably celebrate Christmas with DH's family.
mrswask
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I am Jewish and my husband is Christian. I was raised with a lot more religion than he was. We celebrate both sets of holidays with our families. We light the menorah in our house and DH even makes potato latkes (he's the better cook). We are in a very small basement apartment and literally have no room for a Christmas tree, so we haven't had one as of yet. I'm not 100% comfortable having a tree, but I know it's something I will have to compromise on and get used to. Our children will be raised Jewish, so I think I'm just a little more concerned about trees and stuff for when they come along, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!
tracie143
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I am Italian and my FH is Indian...
We celbreate all holidays. For Christams Eve we go by my mother (big dinner) and for Christmas we go by my aunt and then his mohters at night... It is tuff but if you talk in advance about what you are going to do you should be fine...
We spoke about how we were going to raise our chilidren etc. make sure you talk before you say I DO cause you dont want nothing to be a surprise.. Best of luck
Mrs.Ptobe
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I'm Jewish - he's Catholic... neither of us are that religious although he likes to think he's moreso than me (then why is he living with a girl he's not married to? Yeah, good Catholic boy).
Anyway, I always like Christmas for the time of year - I hate snow but it should be a time to look beyond differences and of course to reflect on the past year and consider what we can do to become better humans to ourselves and others. Many look at the holidays to respect their own traditions and religion. Being Agnostic (NOT Atheist) I look at it as a time to put differences aside and enjoy eachother and family.... although his family can drive me to drink. But you get the point.
I put up the Christmas tree, I also have 'icicle lights' and snowflake lights haning in our bow window along with 2 'snowpeople' I got from Costco. For Christmas I bought FH his first and what I thought was his only Menorah. I was not sure how that would really go over, but little did I know - his Catholic grandma on his mom's side must have felt the same as I do about religion b/c he said she used to put a Menorah in her window and of course have a Christmas tree.
Look at it as a time to rejoice in the spirit of people and the miracle of the 2 of you being part of eachother's lives. I know that can be hard if you do believe in religion, but if you look at all as God's children then you'll learn to appreciate the quirkiness of all religions and of the people who practice them.
wendy1220
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I'm Catholic, FH is Muslim. We celebrate each of our holidays. We put up a Christmas tree and decorate, he comes to church w/me for the Christmas service, exchange gifts, etc. His major holiday marks the end of the month of Ramadan and we celebrate that as well, I don't go to Mosque w/him because of the logistics but we do the rest together (large dinner w/family, friends, gifts exchanged w/his friends, family). This seems to work for us and we both enjoy celebrating one anothers holidays and customs.
LaurenluvsTJ
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I am jewish and he is christian. We do not live together yet, but next year we will have both a menorah and a christmas tree. Both of our familes have been really accepting about it. We exchange gifts on both holidays, so that both of our famlies can share this with us. FH's mom has been giving me hannukah ornaments for the past couple of years, which I think is really nice of her. We were up visiting his parents this weekend, and they went out of their way to give me a hanukah gift. I feel really lucky that both of our familes are accepting that we are of different religions. I am sure although your family may feel uncomfortable around the tree, they will feel wonderful knowing they are inside your happy and loving home.
petunia77
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I am protestant and my FH is Jewish. So far, our parents have not expressed any upset about our mixed home. I did feel a tiny bit bad because my mom came over for Christmas and we didn't have a tree. It was actually because FH had a terrible case of the flu and couldn't help me get it, but I think my mom thought he was shirking the Christian duties. We have not decided what type of home we will have when there are kids, but for now we are blending and feel lucky that our families are happy with it.
