anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

shcole08 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 12:23 PM

anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

FH moved in where I live in Queens and its been really hard. He lived in NJ and his mother is a widow and he says he hates ny and everything about it. That he has no life here except for me and no friends and family. He makes me feel guilty for having a life here and everytime he goes back to visit he gets all depressed. He makes me feel guilty and like I 'made' he move here and he hates it. I have been crying almost every week because of it and its too the point that I have even told him to go back there because I cannot take it anymore. I don't know what else to do.

futuremrsfab Posted: Jul 23, 2008 12:27 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Maybe you guys need to develop some mutual friends in the area- try taking a dance class... also if he has hobbies- maybe he can try and meet people around those- join clubs, etc.

I am the one that moved here, but I have been here since college and I have a lot of friends here now but in the beginning it was hard, until I started putting myself out there and trying to meet friends- good luck!

bluekat16 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 12:36 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Moving is a hard adjustment for everyone.

I was going to move to Suffolk County from Queens and was feeling sad and like I was losing part of my 'life'. Now FH and I are staying Queens and FH is moving to me and he feels very similar about it...his family is out there and he hates the 'city' even though we're in Queens. Hoenstly FH is prob. going to have a tougher time adjusting than I would because I have friends on LI and in the surrounding areas to where he lives, while he doesn't know anyone other than my friends and family here in Queens.

It takes time to acclimate to a place...any place.
Definitely talk to him and about how it's making you feel. Try to find things to do in Queens together that he might be into. Does he have any coowrkers that he socializes with that might live in Queens??

shcole08 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 12:39 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

he is really not adjusting very well at all and the mutual friends we do have havent really called him back or made a effort so it feels like all the pressure is on me when i tell him how it makes me feel we just argue.

mrsjpc3 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 05:44 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Well we moved to FL together, but FH had a group of friends already established here. So it was very very hard for me to adjust. We have been here 2 years, and now I love it. But I can relate to how your FH is feeling. I felt like his life was already underway, meanwhile I had no friends, and it was just so difficult for the first year or so. Now that we have been here a while, we have both made mutual friends, so it's a little more 'even' now. Just give it some time. PLus, NJ is not far, he can always go to visit and hang out.

MyLobster Posted: Jul 23, 2008 06:24 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Moving to another state is a big step and a really hard adjustment. I agree that it isn't right to make you feel guilty about this.

Is your job here? Is that why he moved here? How long ago did he move in?

Mrs. V 2008 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 06:46 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

moving is a big adjustment for anyone..maybe come to some kind of compromise..maybe move equal distance from both sets of parents/friends??

KimberlyScott Posted: Jul 23, 2008 08:57 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

I left my friends and family and moved to 3000 miles to FH home in Portland OR. Moving is not easy whether its 10 miles or 3000 miles.
I would suggest doing what my FH did and that was keep me busy. We always had something doing and his friends were very welcoming which was really comforting. They would call me when they knew FH was working and ask me to go out with them. If you can't rely on your friends then it's up to you to try and make the transition easier for him. FH kept me busy and it worked. I still miss my family like crazy and at least his mom is only an hour away. Being that she is a window, take into consideration his feeling of guilt. I carry it with me everyday. I'm a mama and daddy's girl. Maybe you should spend weekends in NJ? Maybe look for another apt and/or house in NJ. Personally, I love Jersey and if I hadn't met FH and stayed in NY I would be living in Bergen County.

Jenn04 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 09:11 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Girrrrrrl....I am in your shoes. Dh is from the west coast and totally miserable here. We moved here for his job (but I am from here) and well he has been complaining constantly for 1 1/2 years. Over and over, everyday about the traffic, everything, etc!!! Ughhhh it is so fricken annoying and I want to scream at times!!! His only saving grace is that his company moves him often so we know we are out of here sooner or later!

But it is still a pain to listen to the complaints. I am generally happy and don't let things get to me...but it brings me down sometimes you know.

Anyway I agree with others that keeping busy and making friends helps. Maybe even counseling may help too. Traveling helps and visit his family like once a month if possible. Hth

Jenn04 Posted: Jul 23, 2008 09:16 PM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Where in nj does his family live??? Maybe you can eventually move to nj. But make a compromise that you live here for 5 yrs. Its not that far away and he needs to understand that...you can totally go visit a lot. Also there r two of u in the relationship and u can't just pick up and move because he is unhappy. Then u chance that you could be unhappy. It has to be even and fair. How long had he lived here for?

KimberlyScott Posted: Jul 24, 2008 12:45 AM

Re: anyone leave another state to move in with you to NY

Posted by Jenn04

Girrrrrrl....I am in your shoes. Dh is from the west coast and totally miserable here. We moved here for his job (but I am from here) and well he has been complaining constantly for 1 1/2 years. Over and over, everyday about the traffic, everything, etc!!! Ughhhh it is so fricken annoying and I want to scream at times!!! His only saving grace is that his company moves him often so we know we are out of here sooner or later!

But it is still a pain to listen to the complaints. I am generally happy and don't let things get to me...but it brings me down sometimes you know.

Anyway I agree with others that keeping busy and making friends helps. Maybe even counseling may help too. Traveling helps and visit his family like once a month if possible. Hth

It must be really hard moving several times. Especially finding work given the current economy status.

Your DH moved to NY for his career and you followed. Tell him to quit complaining!