Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
halloweenbride04
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Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
OK, this may be a bit long. My brother and mom moved to upstate NY five years ago and now my younger brother is getting married (three months before me). He is marrying a girl who was born and raised up there so naturally they want the wedding to be up there. They're planning a July 4th sunset wedding on her grandfather's property with reception to follow immediately. It's become apparent that they do weddings VERY differently up there, it's more of an open house where people come and go than a formal event. Their engagement party was two weeks ago and not ONE of her guests brought a gift! Her mother is planning on doing all the cooking for the over 400 people they plan on inviting, they're not allowing alcohol, nor do they plan on having seating arrangements. My mom and the rest of my family are concerned about the what this wedding will turn out to be, but it's their day. Since it's July 4th my mom suggested they send out STD's and she would take care of researching hotels, getting the block rate and sending them out. She also said she would take care of their invitations. They aggreed to let my mom do that for them, but this morning my brother told her that they were going to take care of the STD's via Christmas cards and that they don't want her help anymore on anything. My mother is crushed! She knows that traditionally the MOG doesn't have a whole lot to say about the planning but she wants to be included and feel useful. Naturally she'll be very involved in the planning of my wedding but this is her only son and she is devastated that she may receive an invitation just like everyine else. I feel terrible for her.
NovemberSue
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
I am not a mom but I think your mom should ask your brother what she can do to help in some way. My mom made my bolero,my veil and made a cake box for the envelopes. She helped with a bunch of things.
Nora101004
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
Weddings outside LI are very different. I think your mom needs to talk to your bro and express her concerns. Maybe they can give your mom a reading or put her in charge of something else.
PS- Not a mom, sis of bride whose groom was from penn. (what a strange e-party they had- it was in a 3 car garage, all the pics of them opening presents have a HUGE pensoil backdrop- very nice).
KandB52904
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
I am not a mom BUT my fi and and his brother are both engaged. lol..and my FBIL fiance does not want my FMIL to help in her wedding at all she tries and tries and tries and just continues to get crushed. She is very upset about it BUT she is very involved in our wedding and I love it. We have a very good relationship and how she and all of us handle the little witch (FSIL) is just doing more with us. Tell your mom that you understand her feelings and that you are happy to have her in your wedding and all she does for you! Just have her help you more then usual! I have my FMIL with me all the time on decisions and its not to keep her mind off of the other wedding it's b/c i truly appreciate her help and opinion. By the way...do you have your FMIL helping on your wedding? B/C sometimes people forget about them and after all it's her son's wedding to! If the FSIL is stuck on her ways unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it but be thankful that your mom is there for you! to your mom!
MomNeedsTissues
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
Hello everyone! I'm the mom that this very warm, loving and concerned daughter is talking about. I'm finding it very hard being totally involved with my daughters wedding and some what involved with my sons. As my daughter stated, my son and I live in a small town, upstate NY and yes, its so very different up here. People don't know the meaning of 'tradition' or 'ettiquette' and that makes me nuts! My son and I have had a talk and he has agreed to keep me involved 'to a point'. I have informed him that I will do the proper things by way of our families (reserving hotels, save-the-date, etc. though they do not want this for her family. I have also informed him that this is not 'just her day', its your day also and ours. H'es my only son. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and concerns. I love my daughter for being so concerned about me. Its very hard to be far away from her. I've been blessed with two wonderful children who I love with every breathe that I take. I thank God for them every day. My question is ' they are eight years apart is age, why do they have to marry 3 months apart?' I honestly think they have it in for me. LOL.... On the light of things, I'm heading onto a Waltons Mountian top wedding in July, 04 in upstate NY to an Emily Post wedding 10, 04 on LI. I'm thrilled, excited and scared to death and most of all, honored and blessed to be a their mom.
butterfly20
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
im not a mother, but i know about my Fiances mother.My fiance tells her nothing at all about his life and the planning. the only way she finds out stuff is from me telling her.my fiance was very surprised when i said that i invited his parents to go the the hall expo food tasting.. maybe getting closer to the sons fiance might make them want to include you more?. im sorry your being put through that, it does sound very different from a long island wedding. thats a good idea for you to send out save the dates with hotel info.. maybe her side of the family is planning to stay at the family's houses?..
Maribelle7777
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
Hi to bride and her mom,
I'm sorry to read about your situation. Mom - you sound like you really want to be a part of this and that's wonderful. My fiance's mother died 20 yrs ago next week and his step mother (who lives in another country) is making some sort of a stink about how the wedding is over here in the USA and not in Ireland, she really just doesn't want FH's dad to 'leave her again like he did over Christmas to visit his son' (she's a drama queen I think! She is cronically ill - something with blood pressure - personally FH and I think she isn't really sick). I knew she said somethign about it after the engagement but I found out last week she's being more dramatic over it than I realized. She isn't even coming to the wedding. So I wish I had a future mother in law like you who actually wants to help and not hinder!
I don't know what to tell you but if you do not mind, I want to put in my 2 cents about different traditions/etiquette. You say people don't know what tradition and etiquette is. The thing is, every region has their own traditions and etiquette. Your bride's family idea of a wedding is different than ours. LI weddings are famous for being a bit more extravagant than in other regions in the US. But that shouldn't mean that the other places are not doing it right or not following etiquette.
I thought of one way you could help - offer to pay for the rehursal dinner. Technically, the groom's parents are supposed to. If his family says 'they don't do that' then say 'you would like to invite everyone to a restaurant up there to thank them for hosting the wedding'. You can also invite any 'out of town' guests (ie: anyone from LI) that is coming to the wedding. Or whatever your budget allows. If you make it sound like you are asking the bride/groom and her family to dinner the night of the wedding or after the rehursal as a 'thank you for hosting the wedding' - it would be kinda impolite (no matter where you live) to decline. If they act like 'oh that's so weird' then they are being silly.
Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
I think you have to let them plan their wedding...the way they want it to be...
however...maybe your daughter can talk to your son and ask him to find a task for you to do...to include you...and I think the rehearsal dinner would be very nice...
MomNeedsTissues
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
You all have no idea how i appreciate your input on this subject.
Yes, i agree, traditional weddings, etc, are different that of Long Islanders but there are things called 'wedding how to books'. Last night, my son, bride to be and her mom came over so we could all get on the same page. They have assured me that the wedding will be with style and taste. White wedding tents, white tables/chairs/bridal runner, so on and so forth. He has asked me to be patient for my tasking, that will come.
I have told him that I will be hosting the rehearsal dinner and those that will be invited. I do not want out-of-town guest attending the dinner because I will be hosting an open house 2 days before the wedding and a brunch the day after the wedding. I have prepared the STD's for our family travelers and including a list of places to go, sites to see along with my open house information and hotel information. I want our family members to be as comfortable as possible and make the getting off of Long Island experience as enjoyable as possible.
My daughter and I have spoken with the brides mother about possibly doing a caterering hall, same as we do on LI, (places aren't as elegant up here) so no one has to work the day of the wedding. she wanted no part of a caterering hall as she does not trust anyone doing this wedding. We were so taken back. I as well as my daughter have clearly informed my son that by no means are we going to be lifting a finger to seat, serve entertain 500 people. We are not going to the expense of gowns, tuxs and so on to stand there and spoon out food. BTW, the brides mother is doing all the cooking. Can you imagine?
Oh, and another thing, I was researching rest room coaches. They didn't even think of that. My daughter put me onto places to go. We don't think her mom really knows whats involved. I would be such an assett to this time of our lives, but right now I will just sit, listen and watch until I'm asked to do my thing!.
Though July 2004 may seem far away, but its right aruond the corner.
goldilocks
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
Just another thought, what about talking to your son's FW? I don't know how close you two are or what kind of relationship you have with her, but it might be a good idea to go directly to her and offer ANY help at all. you can also suggest things to her, but puttingmyself in the bride's shoes, be careful not to make her think what she's planning isn't 'good enough'. She could get that idea without you intending it, and that will surely keep you out of planning! And whatever happens, don't take it personally if you're not as involved as you'd like. I'm sure her mom is jsut as excited as you are about her daughter's wedding. No doubt she wants to do alot for her own! Good luck!
LImom
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
MomNeedsTissues - you have Forum Mail.
Halloweenbride - I think you are an amazing daughter. I wish you much luck in planning your wedding and in your marriage. Your Mom did a beautiful job raising you and she is rightfully very proud of you.
All the best to you both.
Maribelle7777
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Re: Are there any MOM's out there? Need advice for my Mom...
Mom/tissues,
What you have done/planned so far is right up the alley for what a MOG usually does, I think.
In fact you are doing alot - open house and brunch....wow!
As for having an outdoor wedding - it actually sounds really nice. I am sure they don't expect you to do any work. I bet that she'll hire people closer to the date to do the grunge work. And I bet she has been thinking about how to do this for a long time so I wouldn't really worry. So it's not in an elegant hall. I think a change of scenery would be lovely.
Your family sounds great - try to relax and attend to the things you are doing and I'm sure everything will fall into place and be absolultely wonderful
