Are you ready to marry? Another great email i found.

> >>Are you ready to marry? Consider this...
> >>
> >>'FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER'
> >>
> >>Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov
>Heller, M.A. a
> >>relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden
>rules for evaluating the
> >>prospects of long-term marital success. When it
>comes to making the
> >>decision about choosing a life partner, no one
>wants to make a mistake.Yet,
> >>with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears
>that many are making
> >>serious mistakes in their approach to finding
>Mr./Miss. Right!
> >>
> >>If you ask most couples who are engaged why
>they're getting married,
> >>they'll say: 'We're in love.' I believe this is
>the #1 mistake people make
> >>when they date Choosing a life partner should
>never be based on love.
> >>Though this may sound 'not politically correct',
>there's a profound truth
> >>here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
>Rather, love is the result
> >>of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are
>right, then the love
> >>will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a
>lifetime relationship on
> >>love alone'. You need a lot more!!! Here are five
>questions you must ask
> >>yourself if you're serious about finding and
>keeping a life partner.
> >>
> >>QUESTION #1:
> >>Do we share a common life purpose?
> >>Why is this so important? Let me put it this way:
>If you're married for 20
> >>or 30 years *that's a long time to live with
>someone. What do you plan to
> >>do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and
>jog together? You need
> >>
> >>to share something deeper and more meaningful. You
>need a common life
> >>purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. (1)
>You can grow together, or
> >>(2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out
>there are growing apart. To
> >>make a marriage work, you need to know what you
>want out of life! Bottom
> >>line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
> >>
> >>QUESTION #2:
> >>Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
>with this person?
> >>This question goes to the core of the quality of
>your relationship. Feeling
> >>safe means you can communicate openly with this
>person. The basis of having
> >>good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I
>won't get 'punished' or
> >>hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
>feelings. A colleague of mine
> >>defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
>feel afraid to express
> >>your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
>yourself on this one. Make sure
> >>
> >>you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan
>to marry.
> >>
> >>QUESTION #3:
> >>Is he/she a mensch?
> >>A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
>person.
> >>How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do
>they work on personal
> >>growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about
>improving themselves? A
> >>teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone
>who is always striving to
> >>be good and do the right thing'. So ask about your
>significant other: What
> >>do they do with their time? Is this person
>materialistic? Usually
> >>materialistic person is not someone whose top
>priority is character
> >>refinement.
> >>There are essentially two types of people in the
>world:
> >>(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth
>and
> >>
> >>(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
>Someone whose goal in life
> >>is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
>ahead of doing the right
> >>thing. You need to know that before walking down
>the aisle.
> >>
> >>QUESTION #4:
> >>How does he/she treat other people?
> >>The one most important thing that makes any
>relationship work is the
> >>ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to
>give another person
> >>pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving
>pleasure to others or are
> >>they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?
>To measure this, think
> >>about the following: How do they treat people whom
>they do not have to be
> >>nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
>etc...How do they treat
> >>their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude
>and appreciation? If
> >>they don't have gratitude for the people who have
>given them everything;
> >>
> >>can you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip
>and speak badly about
> >>others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who
>loves others! You can be
> >>sure that someone who treats others poorly, will
>eventually treat you
> >>poorly as well.
> >>
> >>QUESTION #5:
> >>Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
>person after we're
> >>married?
> >>Too many people make the mistake of marrying
>someone with the intention of
> >>trying to 'improve' them after they're married. As
>a colleague of mine puts
> >>it: 'You can probably expect someone to change
>after marriage for the
> >>worse'! If you cannot fully accept this person the
>way they are now, then
> >>you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion,
>dating doesn't have to be
> >>difficult and treacherous. The key is to try
>leading a little more with
> >>
> >>your head and less with your heart.
> >>It pays to be as objective as possible when you
>are dating; so be sure to
> >>ask questions that will help you get to the key
>issues...Falling in love is
> >>a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring
>on your finger, you don't
> >>want to find yourself in trouble because you
>didn't
> >>do your homework.
> >>
> >>Another perspective...
> >>There are some people in your life that need to be
>loved from a distance.
> >>It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let
>go of or at least
> >>minimize your time with draining, negative,
>incompatible, not-going
> >>anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships
>around you. Pay
> >>attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean?
>Which ones encourage and
> >>which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of
>growth uphill and which
> >>
> >>ones are going downhill? When you leave certain
>people do you feel better
> >>or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or
>don't really understand,
> >>know, or appreciate you? The more you seek
>quality, respect, growth, peace
> >>of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it
>will become for you to
> >>decide who gets to sit in the front row and who
>should be moved to the
> >>balcony of your life.

Here's another good one.

Ready to Pop the Question?
First, Do the Interrogation

By JEFFREY ZASLOW
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

If you have an engagement ring in your pocket, with plans for a memorable Valentine's Day, you might want to hold off asking, 'Will you marry me?'

Instead, consider these less romantic but more crucial questions:

After we get married, will you maintain contact with past lovers? Whose advice will you accept first, mine or your mother's? If we have two cars, who drives the newer one? Has anyone ever had reason to be afraid of you? Do you put other people down to make yourself feel better? Does my nose hair bother you?

Whew! It's no longer the institution of marriage. It's the inquisition.

As researchers, religions, marriage counselors and worried parents search for ways to help marrying couples avoid divorce, many are determining that the answer may lie in the questions.

A 'pre-marital inventory' developed at the University of Minnesota is now administered by clergy and counselors world-wide. Other researchers are studying divorced couples to see which questions they wish they had asked before taking the leap. And several states have new programs encouraging young couples to postpone marriage until they hash out issues.

Meanwhile, marital-advice Web sites are loaded with loaded questions. One adviser will even suggest personalized questions you can ask. Her fee: $1.50 per minute on the phone.

Can physical violence to a mate be justified? What will we do if our child is born with a disability? Are you uncomfortable with women in high-paying jobs? When we drive together, who gets the wheel?

'The majority of divorce-causing issues already exists before the wedding,' says Corey Donaldson, who interviewed 600 divorced people for his book 'Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!' Having the stomach to ask hard questions, he says, prevents future heartache.

Some questions seem unnecessary. Ask them anyway, says Mr. Donaldson. For instance: Have you ever had a homosexual experience? 'One woman told me she never thought to ask that,' he says. 'Had she known, she wouldn't have married her husband, who later left her for a man.'

Among the most telling questions: Would you ever consider trading in your engagement ring for a bigger, better diamond? In a 1988 poll of 200 new brides by Diamond Cutters International, 46% said yes and 54% said no.

Now, 15 years later, these women have been polled again. Of those who in 1988 were willing to trade up their diamonds, 81% are now divorced. Of the sentimental types who said they'd never trade their rings, 78% remain married today. The results suggest that people who are 'hard-wired' to upgrade rings also may be driven to upgrade cars, houses and eventually, spouses, says psychiatrist Francisco Montalvo, who monitored the study.

Naturally, all of these questioning exercises are dependent on honesty. Before Jim Bilello of Mundelein, Ill., got married in 1983 at age 23, he and his fiancée attended Catholic marriage-encounter sessions. He was too immature and insecure to be honest, he says.

The marriage soon ended in divorce. Three years later, Mr. Bilello met his second wife in a co-dependent support group, where he learned to answer painful questions. He talked openly about how his dad's suicide and a dysfunctional childhood affected his relationships.

Daniel Caine, president of Split-Up.com (www.split-up.com1), a financial-planning firm for divorcing couples, says divorce is rooted in five areas: insecurity, money, communication, clash of values and insufficient separation from family. He recommends asking: Are you comfortable with my religious observance? My family? My urge for wealth? 'Opposites attract,' he warns, 'but that doesn't mean they stay together.'

Of course asking the right premarital questions doesn't guarantee a thriving relationship. And some couples who aren't perfectly aligned in major areas can still succeed. Their secret: a strong dialogue. The Minnesota inventory helps by ranking the severity of couples' differences. You can sample the survey free of charge at www.lifeinnovations.com2.

Jon Messersmith, 34, of Mount Vernon, N.Y., recently got divorced, partly because he and his wife were independently pursuing entrepreneurial careers. The ventures didn't work out, putting strain on a young marriage. Among questions Mr. Messersmith says he'll ask in the future: If one of us meets with unexpected success or failure at work, how will it affect our relationship?

Before getting married in 1995, Clayton Gurnett asked his father, 'Am I doing the right thing?' His dad replied: 'Do you love her?' Mr. Gurnett responded: 'She's a good person. She'll make a good mother.'

'He should have stopped me right there,' Mr. Gurnett now says. His dad agrees.

The marriage failed, and before remarrying in 2001, Mr. Gurnett decided to ask and answer many vital questions. He and his bride, Sumi, even wrote questions into their wedding ceremony, including, 'Am I doing the right thing?' They answered 'yes' without hesitation. 'I looked at my dad,' Mr. Gurnett recalls, 'and he was bawling.'

Valentine's Day is considered the year's busiest proposal day. But you still have time if questions remain: Will you share my crazed enthusiasms just because they're mine? Is there something about you that you hope I never find out? Do you want me to call out your name during lovemaking?

Granted, asking hardball personal questions is uncomfortable, unromantic and awkward. 'But so is divorce,' says Mr. Donaldson. 'Which do you prefer?'

How interesting?? Thanks for the info girls!!!!!

interesting...thanks