arg..step-monster !

so my step-mom and i have had our ups & downs, but we have an okay relationship now... so she has outwardly been very supportive of our wedding, but has covertly and sneakily found ways to convince my dad that we MUST invite all of her siblings (and their spouses...did i say that she comes from a large sibling group of 7?...)...so we are trying to keep the guestlist to a minimum, but with the addition of her siblings we just added at least another table and a half... she tried to add her siblings grown adult children & i put my foot down and said absolutely not..i barely know her siblings, much less all 20 of her adult nieces & nephews.... and recently step-mom has been trying to find a dress to wear to the wedding, but claims that she can't find one and wants to wear 1 of 2 dresses that she already has....the dresses are the same color as my mom's...and she wants to do this even though the only thing i have asked is that she not wear the same color as my mom or FMIL...

this is just a rant b/c somehow she has gotten it into her head that this day is about her....i have never had a greater urge to elope...

I say you just put your foot down and say, FH and I went over our budget and we don't want to go over X amount of guests so if you please can respect this...if she insists then say Ok i'll gladly invite all of them if you are willing to pay for your guests.

And with everything else you really need to talk to her and tell her straight out. I know alot of people are scared to tell someone how they feel bc of what might happen but holding this in will just make you resent her and then can escalade and make it worst. Just tell her Listen one thing i ask is you dont wear the same color as my mother, i have enough things to deal with and dont want to deal with this anymore and to understand your wishes.

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Posted by Espo22

I say you just put your foot down and say, FH and I went over our budget and we don't want to go over X amount of guests so if you please can respect this...if she insists then say Ok i'll gladly invite all of them if you are willing to pay for your guests.

And with everything else you really need to talk to her and tell her straight out. I know alot of people are scared to tell someone how they feel bc of what might happen but holding this in will just make you resent her and then can escalade and make it worst. Just tell her Listen one thing i ask is you dont wear the same color as my mother, i have enough things to deal with and dont want to deal with this anymore and to understand your wishes.

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totally agree!!!!!

minus the thing about wearing same dress color, not sure why that matters, but thats JMO!

i have offered to go shopping with her..help her out...but she refuses

and in terms of the guestlist, in front of me, she will agree that it is unnecessary to invite her whole family, but then when I'm not there, will convince my dad that her family would be insulted if they were not invited, then sends dad with the message to me...sigh... i put my foot down and said no...besides, i'm never invited to any of her family's events, so why should i foot the bill to pay for an extra 20 pple that i barely know?

I know how you feel....I went through a very similar thing. It made me VERY ANGRY.

She likely feels nervous b/c she is the outsider and wants all of her friends and siblings there so she feels less like a 'step' relative.

Very enraging for the bride. I went through this too...and my REAL mom passed away so I was even more upset about it.

All I can say is....if she is paying for it, then cut some slack but DEFINITELY put your foot down at the siblings children........and never forget....this is YOUR wedding. you are the bride, and you get final say.

If you want (or don't want) things a certain way, speak up.....otherwise you'll be very resentful. I speak only from experience.

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Posted by MellyAngel

i have offered to go shopping with her..help her out...but she refuses

and in terms of the guestlist, in front of me, she will agree that it is unnecessary to invite her whole family, but then when I'm not there, will convince my dad that her family would be insulted if they were not invited, then sends dad with the message to me...sigh... i put my foot down and said no...besides, i'm never invited to any of her family's events, so why should i foot the bill to pay for an extra 20 pple that i barely know?

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If she doesnt have the guts to even say it to your face just dont pay attention. When you dad comes to you with her requests just say well i spoke to her and she agreed with me so I am going by that...and simply just dont invite them, she has to get over it and thats it. Not your problem

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by MellyAngel

i have offered to go shopping with her..help her out...but she refuses

and in terms of the guestlist, in front of me, she will agree that it is unnecessary to invite her whole family, but then when I'm not there, will convince my dad that her family would be insulted if they were not invited, then sends dad with the message to me...sigh... i put my foot down and said no...besides, i'm never invited to any of her family's events, so why should i foot the bill to pay for an extra 20 pple that i barely know?

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If she doesnt have the guts to even say it to your face just dont pay attention. When you dad comes to you with her requests just say well i spoke to her and she agreed with me so I am going by that...and simply just dont invite them, she has to get over it and thats it. Not your problem

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I agree. That seems to be a good way to solve the situation. And as far as the dresses go, the MOB chooses her dress first (before any stepmoms or MIL), and tells MIL style/color, THEN stepmom can get a dress that is not the same color as MOB or MIL. The rule is that no one is to upstage the MOB.



# Wedding etiquette dictates that the mother of the bride chooses her dress before the mother of the groom. The mother of the groom is then expected to choose a dress to complement the bride's mother's dress. For example, if the mother of the bride chooses a wine-colored, floor-length gown the groom's mother should not choose a pale green cocktail dress. The contrasting colors and lengths of the mother's dresses will look terrible in the wedding pictures.
# The mother of the bride should choose a dress that matches the color and style worn by the bridal party. For example, if the wedding party is planning to wear pale gold, tea-length bridesmaids gowns, the mother of the bride should choose a dress that would coordinate well in the wedding pictures, for example a two-piece gold skirt and jacket set.
# If the bride's step-mother is included in the wedding she should be notified as to the color and style that the bridal party and other mothers have chosen to wear.

I would definitely have a sit down with your father. Maybe he can convince her that maybe she's a little out of line?

Can I ask how long has she been your step mom? I have a step father but he's been in my life since I'm 9-- my father passed away, so I don't even use the term. I consider him my father and so inviting his siblings (who I call aunt and uncle) was a no-brainer. But I'm not sure what I would do if my dad was still in the picture and my (step)dad wasn't around that long. I'm sorry you have to deal with this stress.