at wit's end - advise? (LONG)

Hello ladies. I really need advise, input, words of wisdom here, because I am seriously thinking of calling off the wedding.

FH and I met about 5 years ago and knew pretty early on that we were going to get married someday. We got engaged in September 2000 and our wedding date is 7/4/03. We're usually a caring affectionate couple and we do a lot together. We know each other's faults and the things that push each other's buttons and try to watch those habits. In general we have a very good relationship. One of our biggest topics to fight about is cleanliness (he'll tell you I'm a clean freak and I'll tell you he's a slob), but we try to meet each other half-way. (We live together).

Well, it seems like since last summer, we've been short with each other a lot more and been having less fun. Recently I got a new job, which is work from home, so we had to move to a bigger place. Plus he just started a p/t grad program. And we're hitting wedding crunch time. Basically, there's a lot going on. He has this hobby that is really time intensive and there is a big tournament coming up (which he could have skipped this year). So after the move he's basically been in his own world getting ready for this tournament. Very little help unpacking, no cooking, cleaning, nothing. And I've been under a lot of pressure with the training for the new job.

If that's not enough, my mother is a control freak and has had one problem after another regarding the wedding. First she wanted my brother to be MOH, which just wasn't my thing. Then she wanted his girlfriend (they're very on again off again, so I don't know if they will be together on the wedding date) to be a BM (even my brother is against this given the problems in their relationship), then she insisted my 2 year old cousin be invited (we had planned adults only) (we gave in), then she didn't want my FBIL's in-laws invited (on FH's parents' list) because of a minor slight at FSIL's wedding. Every one of these incidents has been a huge fight, with her threatening not to come to the wedding if she didn't get her way.

For the last year she has HATED FMIL (who sometimes speaks without thinking and can be thoughtlessly (slightly) offensive - the thing is, it's never intentional). My mom keeps making these nasty comments about her (luckily only to me) and doing these little things to 'get back at her' (again has only affected me so far). I've asked my mom to just let it go and just not talk to/about her any more than is necessary for the wedding, but my mom feels that this is choosing his mom over mine, etc. and won't do it!! Recently she told me that she made a really insulting comment to FMIL (regarding religion) and I asked to stop, not cause trouble. Then she got really mad and started yelling about the fact that I thought she could actually say that sort of thing to FMIL. But my mom told me she said it! And now she claims that she didn't (she must not have b/c it was offensive enough that it would have gotten back to FH).

This is only a summary of what's gone on in the last year or so, and I don't want to bore you to tears here. The point is that I feel like FH has gone to a very selfish place, which seems to happen whenever there's a lot going on - and that scares me for the future. What happens when we have kids and sh** hits the fan? Is he just going to retreat into his own little world again? I really feel that if you love someone, you make an effort to take care of them when they have a lot going on. I'm just not sure that's the case with him. And I cannot handle the escalating fights with my mom. Prior to wedding insanity, I was very close to my family and it's really upsetting me that our relationship is deteriorating because my mom is so upset about the wedding (I think it's b/c everything's not exactly the way she wants it). I am so stressed out that I'm physically getting ill from it. I really don't think I want to get married if things keep going this way. It's been going on for a while now and I don't see any sign that it's going to resolve anytime soon.

So, what do you guys think? Am I being a drama queen here? I just don't know what to do and it seems like in the long run canceling the wedding just might make things a lot less stressful. The way things are going right now the wedding day is something I am absolutely dreading, and not at all looking forward to. Thanks!

I am so sorry all these crazy horrible things are happening to you. I think you need to, first and foremost, sit down and have a long hard discussion with FH. I really don't know what to say about your mother... are your parents paying for this wedding?

I'm sorry i couldn't be of more help... but i can only suggest having a LONG discussion with FH...

I agree. You NEED to talk before you make any harsh decisions.

Take some time..sit down and see how he feels. If you still feel the same after you talk then you can begin to make decisions.

I hope everything works out for you sweetie

Thanks Jennifer and Betty. I will have the long talk with FH as soon as this stupid tournament is over (it's this weekend).

oh, and everyone's contributing to the wedding, but my parents are contributing the least. (My dad's retired, so it's harder for them) And some of our fights have been over our cost saving efforts (I'm skipping a limo since no one, other than the bridal party, will see it and my mom was very unhappy about this).

You may even want to book a few sessions with a therapist, with your mom and FI...especially since you're considering a very life changing decision.

I hope everythings works out for the best.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you really need to sit down with your FH and tell him about your fears (ie. FH has gone to a very selfish place, which seems to happen whenever there's a lot going on - and that scares me for the future. What happens when we have kids and sh** hits the fan? Is he just going to retreat into his own little world again?).

But I think a lot of what you are goin through though is normal. This is a very stressfull time for everyone. Maybe you should stop telling your mom about the details of the wedding, and if she has a suggestion (like who you should choose to be in your BP) just tell her thank you for the suggestion, but do your own thing. Remember this is YOUR day, not hers.

I hope it all works out. We're all here for you.

Farah, one thing I suggest because FH and I will be doing this is pre marital counseling.

Awe Farah...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this... I agree with Applesfla that this is normal... and because we are so overwhelmed (being the bride and all) EVERY little thing is making us crazy... I was exactly like this last week... but when I actually thought about it and read everyone's responses, it made me feel like maybe, I'm reading too much into what others are feeling or doing... I'm sure your mom is not doing anything intentional to make you sad, maybe you just need to have a little heart to heart. And it seems like your FH likes to take his mind off of things that might be too much for him to handle. I do suggest that you speak with him about this too... Nrvbrd's, suggestion of pre-marital counseling might not be a bad idea here. All in all, please don't feel like you should call of the wedding! You've waited so long! Sometimes people don't know how to handle their excitement or anxiety... It will all come together and it will be the most beautiful and happy day of your life!

Cheer up sweetie!

Thanks everybody. Counseling really might be a good idea. I know things get really crazy as the wedding date gets closer, and I expected that. Throw in a new job, a move, and his new school schedule and we've upped the stakes. I expected that too. What I had hoped though, was that my mom would lay off since she knows how crazy things are. And also that FH might let his hobby go for a few months given all that's going on. It's that added drama that's driving me over the edge.

But as always, I am feeling much calmer having 'talked' to all of you. I really don't know what I would have done without this website and you guys! Thanks again.

while I believe couples counseling is important...i think you should go first...It seems that you have some doubts that you need to work out.

then when you have a clearer perspective I would bring in FH...


one thing is for sure...don't let your mother get you upset....tell her that she is upsetting you and that you don't want your relationship to be strained with her. There are consequences...like not seeing grandchildren...tension at holidays...

then of course talk with your FH...


feel better...take some deep breaths...and best of luck...

Hi sweetie, I totally agree with yabbobay- I think you should attend a few counseling sessions alone- just to air out all of your concerns and stresses to a totally objective person-other than us on LI weddings

I think this will help you prioritize your stress (you have a LOT going on right now), First talk to FH, see if he has the same stresses too- he might be getting hammered by his mom like you are by yours- after talking then bring FH into the sessions, I think it is important for the counselor to know you a bit first !! Good luck!!! Hang in there!!

Farah - I am so sorry you are going through this. Being so stressed out that you are physically ill is not good. I would say #1, talk to FH and find out exactly what is going through his head. It may truly be that he is retreating to his hobby because the stress is unbearable for him, too.
Seconds, your Mom needs a fierce talking to. Lovingly, but still stern. THis is YOUR day, not hers, and she needs to back off. She further needs to understand that you are uncomfortable when she makes nasty comments to FMIL and that you'd rather she keep all of her thoughts on that to herself. If she doesn't, I'm afraid she's being selfish...I'm sure she loves you dearly, but she may not realize the impact her behavior and comments are having.
And last - girl, start running (or some other form of intense exercise if you don't already) to pound out that stress and give it a place to go besides to your head and body, making you sick.
Good luck and be strong!

I am sorry you are going through this and I agree with the other girls regarding conseling. Just this weekend I read and article that a woman had written regarding pre-marital counseling. Pretty much she and her husband have been married forever and they have a good married, but it has been an extremely bumpy road. They entered the marriage without a clear understanding of each others views on household work, discipling children, handling stress and lots of other things that come up in a marriage. She said she wished someone had recommended pre-marital counseling to them. But so often people equate couseling with having an emotional disorder or what have you. Rather couples should take the opportunity to meet with third party to discuss the issues they will face in the future. Regarding your situation, I too would be a little worried about FH's dedication to you and your soon to be new family. Not to be a pessimist, but this could truly be a foreshadowing of how he will react when and if children come into your marriage. If he doesn't help now with household chores, etc, and doesn't respect all of your stress and your need for him, this could be bad news down the road. BUT, I don't think by any means you should immediately think to call off the wedding. Take to FH and put your thoughts and expectations out there so it is clear. (Remember, guys can't read our minds..unfortunately! )
But hang in there and resolve the issues now, because they won't go away they will just snowball and get worse as time goes on. Also, have a glass of wine...that always works for me!

Farah-
Oh my God sweetie!
I'm so sorry to hear everything you're going through. I wasn't on the boards this morning, but a friend wrote me and asked if I had an alter ego named Farah416? I have the EXACT same situation as you. I should say had (and getting better).

My FH too, has this hobby! Don't know if it's the same one, but it takes up a LOT of time. I know he loves it so much, but there's a lot going on right now, that the time and energy he puts into his hobby I wish he would put into finding a home for us. I don't expect him to want to pick out colors of flowers or most wedding related things, but my GOD.. can you help me pick up the slack in some other areas? Is this how you feel, b/c that's how I felt. We finally sat down and instead of yelling and getting no where in a hurry, I told him exactly what I just said. That, I was happy he had a hobby he loves, but it takes a lot of time. Plus, there are 4 events away this year, the tournament, another one, and the National's- along with the regular one's he goes to. I told him, that maybe this year, since we're saving, he could cut back? Maybe I would like to see that I don't have to ASK for this, but he would know to cut back a little bit anyway? This was the part that was hardest of all to say. I did tell him, that I was disappointed in him. That when we were dating and there were no serious 'life issues' do deal w/ discuss, handle, etc... that he's great. However, once the chips are down, he is unreliable. He is very selfish and only thinks of himself. I guess this hit home really hard, because I told him also, that I wouldn't expect him to pick up some wedding things, but I simply couldn't do everything and I did feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I gave him the project of finding a home, and he's made it his goal. He is really trying and he wants to make me happy and proud of him. I too, mentioned, what will happen when there are kids in the picture? Will he just run off to this hobby and forget I asked him to pick up medicine? I suggested couseling, but he's too proud and didn't feel that was necessary, so good luck. He made an effort for a while, but has slacked off again! I've decided not to say anything, just wait and see. I want to move in to our own place by April 1st. He knows that, so, needless to say, I will be more than disappointed if this does NOT happen.

As for your mother, ALMOST EXACT. I love my Mother of course! My Mom has raised me on her own and it's just me and her against the world. My father is not in the picture and we are better off w/ out him. That being said, she's been both my Mother and my Father and has a successful business now. However, that sterness she brings to her business sometimes comes home with her. That chip that sits on her shoulder comes out on me more than I would like it to. She was so negative with everthing I would tell her like, I like this color for BM dresses, response 'why so dark?' I like these flowers... response 'well, you know what I think is nicer' that-when she was mad at me and asked why the only thing we talk about is money, I had to kindly tell her 'BECUASE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS NEGATIVE' I did stop telling her things, and she is very upset that she feels like she's not a part of my planning. I simply don't care. She was stressing me out, so she got cut off. She will lay in the bed she made. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. I just don't have a Mom that is happy no matter what you do. No matter what I do, she can do it better, or likes a different style etc... so, I decided I can't fight city hall.

I certainly did not try to make this a vent session for myself, rather show you that these types of feelings are normal. (sad but true). I think all of us experience the vows before we actually take them... for better or for worse, sickness and in health, etc...

Really think about your approach for your heart to heart, and maybe talk about the reasons you wanted to get married to eachother in the first place. It's good to talk about the positive things too. (I learned that the hard way, trust me on this one)
If you ever need to talk, FM me- I can totally relate. I hope your talk goes well.

mv1003,