Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:07 PM

Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

For complicated reasons, FH may not have health insurance coverage for much longer and will need to be put on my plan. My employer is required to cover domestic partners, however, only according to the guidelines of the individual carrier or HMO (we get to pick our insurance plan from a number of options). Unfortunately, my insurance plan, which also happens to be the best plan, only allows same sex domestic partner coverage. Therefore, FH and I may have to get married before our wedding in order get him on my plan.

I know it sounds silly, but I don't want to get married before my wedding. Somehow, I think it's going to change the entire tone of the wedding for me and it won't have the same impact. We'll both know that we're already married and it will be like going through the motions, and I really feel like the day will lose something. I mean, if I'm going to have a wedding, I don't want it to just be a party celebrating something that technically happened months before. I know it's about more than the wedding...it's about being married, but I can't help but feel that if we have to do this in order for FH to have health insurance and not because we planned it this way, I'll be missing out on something on my wedding day.

Am I crazy for feeling a little bummed about this? It sounds crazy to me, but I can't help the way I feel.

shelzyp Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:09 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

My friend did this, and she said it did not take away from her real wedding day. They don't celebrate the legal wedding day, jsut the church wedding day.

bridget&jimmy Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:11 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

If it is because he is getting laid off or losing his job uneployement offers free insurance.

Bridget

LIPrincess00 Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:14 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

I have two friends who did this for different reasons and they also celebrate the church day not the first one and neither one of them has ever complained about it taking away from the wedding day.

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:16 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

No, it's not because he's getting laid off or fired. It's actually kind of the opposite. Like I said, it's complicated and I'd rather not get into the specifics. If he were getting laid off or fired, he'd be covered under COBRA for 3 years and it wouldn't be a concern. But I appreciate the info nonetheless.

halloweenbride04 Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:20 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

He should still be covered under COBRA regardless. I left a job on my own accord and I paid COBRA for six months until my new coverage kicked in. Actually I paid COBRA twice when I left anothe job years back. It's the employer who keeps you on and you pay the COBRA through the former employer. I don't think they can deny him COBRA.

OctBride03 Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:21 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

My cousin did this for the same reasons and did NOT tell anyone but their parents. We of course found out later. They didn't live with each other (unless you already do) or anything until they made it official.

They never technically had a wedding, but we didn't find out until 2-3 years into it...

No one needs to know, go on and plan your wedding day!!!! You deserve it!

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:22 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

He's not leaving his job. Basically, he's changing the nature of it from being a salaried employee to them paying FH through FH's own company, which is a sole proprietorship and insurance just for himself is economically impractical. My health insurance is $12 per year...that's it. We do not want to spend thousands on his insurance if we can get it for almost free. COBRA will also cost more than he is currently paying, so again, not practical.

ETA: I don't know how we'd be able to keep it much of a secret. Someone is bound to slip to our parents and it will get out...trust me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being silly about the whole thing.

Thanks ladies.

Xelindrya Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:24 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Jann,
Jim & I will be your witness!

I know how you feel, we did the same remember? I'll be honest, we don't feel 'married' now. We don't even say husband and wife. Not exchanging rings or having family around made it somehow just a legality.

I know 'now' that next year we will both feel like it's the first time.

*Hugs*

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:30 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Ronie, I know...I actually thought about you when I found out. People in my office have already offered to be witnesses and throw us a party (I had to discuss it with several people to find out whether the plan covers us). It's kinda sweet, but that's not my issue.

I still haven't told FH yet, so I don't even know how he's going to feel about it. He can't keep a secret for sh*t, and if he tells his brother, 90% of our guests will know before our wedding. Same goes for his mother. Hell, I may have to keep it a secret from him!

Thanks for the support ladies. I have to go home now and talk to him about this. Maybe we'll find another way around it. Maybe it won't even be an issue for me when the time comes. Thanks again!

nehaliasz Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:30 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Jannshari, you have FM!

Xelindrya Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:32 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Stupid suggestion, but remember the reason I had to was that we (at the time) did not qualify for Domestic Partner status.

Does your office have this?

I'll do some research in my office see what I can find out for having him insure himself.

Jann.. seriously you do what you need to do. Remember this about the two of you spending your lives together for richer or poorer... hence why Jim and I both giggled. If we were richer we would have waited.

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 04:35 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

X, it's required under our union contract that we have to have coverage under the domestic partner guidelines of the individual health insurance provider that we have chosen. My office HAS to pay for it, IF it's allowed by the insurance provider. Unfortunately, domestic partner status for my provider is only given for same sex couples. There's no way around it except to change my insurance, and frankly, I'm not about to decrease the level of health insurance I have just to avoid getting married a little earlier.

OK, now really, I'm going home! LOL

molly25 Posted: Nov 06, 2003 05:36 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

MY FH GOT LAID OFF AND BEFORE HIS INSURANCE RAN OUT HE MADE SURE HE WENT TO ALL HIS DOCTORS. HE HAS HAD NO INSURANCE NOW FOR THE LAST 5 MONTHS. WE'RE TAKING OUR CHANCES AND HOPING FOR THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN'T COVER HIM UNDER MY PLAN TILL WE'RE MARRIED ,WHICH WON'T BE TILL JULY 31ST 2004. SO HOPEFULLY HE'LL GET SOMETHING SOON .

July2004Bride Posted: Nov 06, 2003 08:41 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Well, maybe - just maybe, it won't come down to you guys having to get married before October next year.. Hopefully, it will all work out for both of you. You are not crazy for feeling bummed out.. I'm sure we can all relate to how you are feeling right now but if this is something that you have to do, then do it and know that your wedding day will still be as special, even if you are married already.. but I am still keeping my fingers crossed for you and hoping that it works out in your favor. Good Luck!!

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 08:47 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

We talked about it. We're going to try to find a way around it. FH is all for it - he said the moment he put the ring on my finger, he already thought of us as being married. The only problem is that he doesn't like the idea of keeping it a secret, and if we tell his family, there's no way it will stay a secret and most of our guests will know way before the wedding. If we told people to keep it secret, that makes it 1000% more likely that they'll tell someone, so either way, people will know. I don't mind so much if our families know, but I wouldn't want all of our guests to know.

Also, Molly, that is exactly what I'm afraid of. There are too many reasons why FH needs to be covered and if he's not, we're royally screwed. It's the one thing that I'm afraid of not having for either of us. I hope you're able to get coverage soon!

July2004Bride Posted: Nov 06, 2003 08:50 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Well, either way, I'm sure in the end it will work out for you guys... Don't you just hate blabbermouths

jannshari Posted: Nov 06, 2003 08:52 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

Part of me is jealous that he's got such an open relationship with his parents, but the other part of me hates the fact that he's got such an open relationship with his parents! Apparently, very little is sacred.

sp04 Posted: Nov 06, 2003 08:53 PM

Re: Aw crud, I think I have to get married!

I think it is perfectly fine. If this is something the two of you need to do, then so be it. Don't worry about it... It will still be a wonderful day at church. We have actually talked about it. I started a new job in September, teaching. i do not have health insurance until december then our wedding is in february and i will take his coverage. however it has been a couple months since i have had coverage and there have been times i could have used it. People still have to pay a large amount of money for Cobra every month too.

If this is something you need to do, then by all means don't feel bad about it....