Bachelor Party dilemma (loooong vent)

I do NOT think you're overreacting at all.

The fact that you guys discussed this time and time AGAIN and you were (supposedly) on the same page makes me angry for you.

It seems like your FH knew how you felt about it and just yes'd you to death so he wouldn't have to argue with you, and now, when it's time - he does the exact opposite?!?!?!

I happen to disagree with you about bach parties in general but REGARDLESS, this is what you two discussed and he just steamrolls you... And then YOU give in?????? He's just being completely and utterly manipulative with this.

I don't have any advice b/c it seems like he's going and there's nothing you can say or do about it. BUT, you do trust him so just try to accept that he's going...

But, IMO - it was a dicky move on his part.

I don't think you're overreacting. He agreed to something that he knew you wanted just to keep you quiet and to avoid having a fight. You're not a 5 year old child that can be given a piece of candy and expected to be quiet. You're an adult that deserves the respect of her fiance. This is the part that bothers me the most. He should not have gone along with you both not going away for your parties and should just have dealt with it when you first discussed it. Now you feel betrayed. I never had DH lie to me and I can only imagine how hurt I'd be if I ever found out that he did. This should be a compromise, just like everything else in a relationship is.

You have valid reasons for not wanting him to go away and he should listen to them and try to work out a reasonable solution that will make the both of you happy. Saying 'I'm GOING' is childish and insulting. Try explaining that to him. Then, why not pick something that you know he would not like you to do and ask him how he would feel if you did it and knew that he would be upset by your actions. Maybe he just needs an example to think about. He needs to realize that 'I'm GOING and I don't care how you feel about it' is never going to work in a healthy relationship.

GOOD LUCK

I agree, he should've been honest with you if his intentions were always to go away instead of just agreeing. I think he agreed to it bc he could've just turned around and said well im not planning it and the guys already put everything together so what can i do.

However, i also don't agree about bachelor/bachelorette parties being unnecessary. If its not your things that perfectly fine but I don't see anything wrong with them. I do agree that you have to trust him otherwise he will wonder why are you marrying him then...If a guy didn't trust me i would be like so why are you with me? Also if i were told i couldn't go away if its what i wanted to do then i would get very upset that I was being told what to do. Honestly, the fact that im being told I can't would make me want to go more.

That doesn't take away though from the fact that he lied, and instead of getting into a fight with you now he should apologize and say he was wrong.

I don't think you are over reacting, me and my FH also agreed on no going away. We both feel that bachelor/bachelotte parties are a stupid custom that was created when people would get married at 18. We actually weren't going to even do one but the BP kept asking so we are doing a joint and going to the vineyard for a weekend of drinking and partying together. Some of the BP were upset cause they wanted to go to strip clubs so i told them go ahead but we will be out on the island. . . . . .

Now as far as him lying to you i think that is a lie. . . . i think he agreed with you till his BM said AC then he was like yea that would be fun. . . . so stupid i feel with you and it has nothing to do with not trusting him but when single guys go out they look for trouble and they dont understand that he is getting married because he wants to not because you are making him . . . . . so the single guys want him to go out and get drunk and party and they always say you dont trust me. . . we trust them but not their friends or the liquor.....

You are definetly not over reacting. He should have been honest w/ you from the beginning. You might have been pi$$ed, but you could have talked it out and gotten past it by now.

I'm on the fence about bachelor/bachelorette parties. I've heard some REALLY crazy stories! On the other hand FH is one of the most brutally honest and loyal people I have ever met, so I'm never worried about cheating, but I don't think I'd be too thrilled about an overnight party.

Good Luck, I hope you two get things resolved so that your both happy w/ the outcome.

i agree, mine is going away in three weeks, i wasnt to happy, not sure what they are doing, but hope no stripper are involoved . but i think i gotten over it little by little , try not to think about to much, i going to schedule things around the time that he leaves, and mmake sure i have a pre bachelor getaway talk before he leaves., so nothing wild is going to happen since they will be flying out of state.

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Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

I do NOT think you're overreacting at all.

The fact that you guys discussed this time and time AGAIN and you were (supposedly) on the same page makes me angry for you.

It seems like your FH knew how you felt about it and just yes'd you to death so he wouldn't have to argue with you, and now, when it's time - he does the exact opposite?!?!?!

I happen to disagree with you about bach parties in general but REGARDLESS, this is what you two discussed and he just steamrolls you... And then YOU give in?????? He's just being completely and utterly manipulative with this.

I don't have any advice b/c it seems like he's going and there's nothing you can say or do about it. BUT, you do trust him so just try to accept that he's going...

But, IMO - it was a dicky move on his part.

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Thank you for your input.

I know it might not have been the best move on my part but I just couldn't stand us arguing and not talking. I just didn't want the silent treatment and fights to drag on all weekend long. Granted, he did apologize for lying to me but I still feel so hurt.

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Posted by EverlovingEv

I don't think you're overreacting. He agreed to something that he knew you wanted just to keep you quiet and to avoid having a fight. You're not a 5 year old child that can be given a piece of candy and expected to be quiet. You're an adult that deserves the respect of her fiance. This is the part that bothers me the most. He should not have gone along with you both not going away for your parties and should just have dealt with it when you first discussed it. Now you feel betrayed. I never had DH lie to me and I can only imagine how hurt I'd be if I ever found out that he did. This should be a compromise, just like everything else in a relationship is.

You have valid reasons for not wanting him to go away and he should listen to them and try to work out a reasonable solution that will make the both of you happy. Saying 'I'm GOING' is childish and insulting. Try explaining that to him. Then, why not pick something that you know he would not like you to do and ask him how he would feel if you did it and knew that he would be upset by your actions. Maybe he just needs an example to think about. He needs to realize that 'I'm GOING and I don't care how you feel about it' is never going to work in a healthy relationship.

GOOD LUCK

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Thank you for understanding

The party is scheduled for next weekend so I think it is too late to try to work something out that will make the both of us happy. I've considered going directly to his BM but my mom thinks I should not. I don't think there is anything I can do at this point.......and I feel that if I try to speak to him about NOT going, he will just get mad and say that I am trying to get my way, just like he says I have been getting my way throughout this entire wedding process.

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Posted by RGV07

i agree, mine is going away in three weeks, i wasnt to happy, not sure what they are doing, but hope no stripper are involoved . but i think i gotten over it little by little , try not to think about to much, i going to schedule things around the time that he leaves, and mmake sure i have a pre bachelor getaway talk before he leaves., so nothing wild is going to happen since they will be flying out of state.

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I plan on doing exactly what you said.......I hope I can get through it all.

First...he had no right to lie to you. I would be furious!!! He should have been open and honest with you from the beginning. At this point there really isnt anything you can do, but I would still make it clear to him that you are not happy.

Second...bachelor/bachelorette parties are an aquired taste. Just because it isn't for you doesn't mean you can stop him from having one. HOWEVER, he should have told you up front. My FH had his bachelor party in Florida for a week. and honestly, i loved it. we live together so i saw it as a vacation for myself. Plus, I trust my FH that he is only going there because half his GM are from florida. he called me 5 times a day and even the BM called me to keep me updated...even tho i didnt want to know. you have to trust that he just wants to have fun with his friends.

This is NOT about him going away and you trusting him to go away.

This is about him LYING TO YOU and NOT KEEPING PROMISES.

I'd be livid. If he can't understand why you are so upset and why he's doing the wrong thing, he needs some sense knocked into him.

Lying to you for months about something he planned to do anyway is immature and NOT how you treat the woman who is to be your wife. I'd be absolutely LIVID. Heck, I'm livid for you!

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Posted by Kara and Todd

This is NOT about him going away and you trusting him to go away.

This is about him LYING TO YOU and NOT KEEPING PROMISES.

I'd be livid. If he can't understand why you are so upset and why he's doing the wrong thing, he needs some sense knocked into him.

Lying to you for months about something he planned to do anyway is immature and NOT how you treat the woman who is to be your wife. I'd be absolutely LIVID. Heck, I'm livid for you!

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Thanks for the hugs and your input

Believe me, I was seeing red for like three days straight......I was sooo upset. Like I said in a previous post, he did apologize and I am trying to put the whole issue behind me. We had a somewhat normal day yesterday and at times I almost forget about what happened but there are moments when it all comes flooding back and I feel like I'm back at square one. Part of me wishes that he will call and say that he backed out of it all but another part of he thinks that I'm wasting my time.

i don't think you're overreacting...this wkend for me and my FH was pretty bad as well...lets just say it involved pics on the internet and me wanting to call off the wedding. Men dont understand that even though they think its not a big deal, and their 'spearing' your feelings...there actually making it more worst by lying to you. It makes you think 'what else have you like to me about?'

I don't think you overreacting at all. We are not too crazy for the bachelor/bachelorette parties either.
I know that for the bachelorette party we are going to have a spa day and then go out to eat at a nice restruant. My brother is the BM for my FH so he may do something at the house or go to a Mets game. There is three people in the grooms party so how crazy can it get. The guys are calm anyway.
You gave a little by letting him have bachelor party on Long Island/NYC. Now he needs to give a little by saying I am doing my bachelor party local and it's going to be calm. I am sorry that you are going through this. Here are some hugs. If you need to chat FM me.

~dancer and chef~
charlotte and michael

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Posted by monelwookie

i don't think you're overreacting...this wkend for me and my FH was pretty bad as well...lets just say it involved pics on the internet and me wanting to call off the wedding. Men dont understand that even though they think its not a big deal, and their 'spearing' your feelings...there actually making it more worst by lying to you. It makes you think 'what else have you like to me about?'

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Sorry for to hear that you didn't have a great weekend either

That's exactly what I'm thinking-----what else is he lying to me about??! Or is there stuff that he yes'es me about and then goes and does something else??