BArbies Letter to SAnta
Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better
be some changes around here this Christmas,or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling
up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that
earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising
account exec. or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness
sake!
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe 'PMS Barbie', complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
and a bag of chips; 'Animal Rights Barbie', with my very own paint
gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or 'Stop
Smoking Barbie', sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve
it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better
be some changes around here this Christmas,or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling
up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that
earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising
account exec. or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness
sake!
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe 'PMS Barbie', complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
and a bag of chips; 'Animal Rights Barbie', with my very own paint
gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or 'Stop
Smoking Barbie', sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve
it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
