Being a SAHM is harder than we thought

Well, financially, it is hitting us harder than we thought. We overdrafted 3 times in 2 months!! I made a mistake, and forgot to leave some $$ in the account as a cushion so that we don't overdraft. We are only putting $200 into a savings account per month, and at this rate, it will take 10 years to buy a house. It's between buying a house and staying home I guess. Otherwise, we would be fine with living check to check.

Basically, it's been hard to completely eliminate things that we tried to 'sacrifice' so that I could SAH. It's impossible to say no to everything, if we did, we'd have no life. If we eliminated things like buying gifts for others and doing home improvements we might save some but it's hard! We don't eat out a lot, but other people take us out, and then you can't say no all the time, and we don't want others paying for us, so we have to pay sometimes too. I don't even get manicures and pedicures, so I thought that was something else that I eliminated, but I guess it's still not enough.

DH and I never go out together anymore, but we know it's important to. Now, we will have to say no to going to a movie or dinner??

I really, really don't want to work FT, and leave Lyla with a sitter, especially since I'm totally not prepared to do so. I think I will just have to find a PT job on weekends and evenings in retail maybe. I actually found a FT position at a local hospital that fits my qualifications perfectly, and last night I stayed up doing my resume. It can't hurt to send it in. I just want to see what the job is about, and maybe there's a chance that the hours might be flexible.

Anyway, just wanted to share since those that are going back to work are feeling bad, it's hard either way unless one spouse makes a TON of money!

I understand what you are going through. I did not plan on working until I finished having children and the youngest was in school. However, one of my old jobs fell into my lap (3 months pp) and I could not resist. It is PT, flexible hours/days, paid good $ by the hr., and my MIL watched Annalise. She lives near the office (until it recently moved) so I was able to leave and nurse Annalise on my lunch. I did not miss any feedings. How could I say no? After a few months of working we realized we could not survive if I did not work at least a little. We made some major changes in our lifestyle, but it was not enough. We decided to sell our land in AZ, but it took a few months. We close on the land the end of this month. Recently, we decided to sell our travel trailer also since we cannot use it much this summer. That extra money is really going to come in handy with a second child in the picture. It ia also allowing us one last vacation before the next baby and some $ in the bank. We also want to do an extension on our house and replenish Annalise's college fund. We already used most of the college fund to buy a used car. I hope I can stay home longer after the next baby due to the changes we have made. If I cannot, I realize that the $ I am making is going to allow our children to have a future like we envisioned - college pd, summer vacations, etc. We did find a nieghbor that watches Annalise two days a week and my MIL does one day. We are comfortable with the chilcare arrangement which helps me to leave her.
I hope you can see there are others in the same situation as you. I waitressed nights and weekends when I got laid off (before Annalise). You can make great $ in tips and arrange your shifts arund DH's job. Just thought I would mention another alternative so you do not need daycare. You must decide what is important to you for the future. If having a house is your goal, then get a plan on paper to save for the down pmnt. You may not have to work forever.

We were in the same boat as you until I found a PT job as a nanny. It doesn't pay too much but I am able to bring my daughter with me, which saves us the cost of childcare. We make enough extra to put in savings or go out occasionally. My 'employer' (she's more of a friend now than a boss!) even watches Maiah from time to time so FH and I can go on dates!!
Maybe this would work for you?!

Victoria, I'm so happy for you that you have a PT job that is flexible enough for you. My ideal job would be PT in my field (public health), but there aren't many out there.

Rainmama, I considered babysitting other babies/kids. At first I wasnt' sure if I was ready, since Lyla was so demanding, but I do think about it still. I have a few friends that are SAHMs too. I told them if they go back to work, I can watch their kids. I'm not sure how to advertise this, I guess I have to just meet people and tell them I'm available. I know Lyla would love to be around other children.

This has already been discussed with my husband. After my disabaility runs out I will have to go back to work. I would love to be a SAHM, but we want a house and it would be impossible to do on his salary alone.

We have been discussing my going to find work for some time. I would prefer to find a job that I can do at night so that my husband can watch Patrick. I was thinking of seeing if the local Pathmark need night cashiers or something. It won't be alot of extra money. But, it will help.

My problem is my husband is in construction/carpentry for himself. He's hours are NEVER the same. There are days he's home at 5:00 then there are some (but, rare) days that he gets home after 8:30.

My only thinking is then when do I see my husband?

It so hard to find the right job to take. I check the papers everyweek! Hopefully something will show up soon!

I think a lot of it has to do with where we live. Long Island is so ridiculously expensive. We are finding that a lot of our friends are moving down South and a lot of others are living day to day hoping for tons of overtime.

Niha maybe ypu could get babysitting jobs from here

We have so many preggos on this board you never know

You should of married RICH , Just kidding. I have to give it to you, it's not easy. Like I said to you the other day, going to WORK is the easy part , saying home with an infant all day is hard. Don't get me wrong I would love to stay home with my daughter but I need to work for full for our medical benefits (only in this country )

If you need to go back to work then just know you have the support of the ladies on these boards that have been doing it, I went back when Mia was 6 weeks old BUT you adjust, that's just the way it is and you certainly cherish the time you have with your daughter when you are home. Needless to say she is spoiled

Also remember you BOUGHT your apartment so you do have equity no matter what so maybe the 10 years is half of that. Good Luck and diffinitely send in that resume!

I feel for you. I really envy those who can stay home full time and NOT worry about money.

Niha
It is really hard to change your lifestyle so dramatically- even if it is for a good reason like being a SAHM.
Cutting coupons (da m Stop & Shop) can only go so far, as does cutting out your mani/pedi. And never buying gifts--- that gets hard to. I mean, you have nieces, nephews, special people in your lives.
Your right- seeing a movie once in a while, or going out with friends is not a luxury IMO- it is part of living.
Being home for 6 weeks unpaid even effected us. I mean, we were able to do it BUT with all the new baby expenses and the Christening we did feel the change.
There is NOTHING wrong NIha with needing to work in order to have be happy with your lifestyle. That does not make you bad mother!
You also are a very educated women who had a job that you really liked before being a Mom. Maybe you miss that a bit too? And that is totally okay too.
I am not sure of your husband's work schedule so is night work easy for you to schedule? I could never do that due to Scott's travel schedule for work.
You can also begin to see that maybe you want/need to work for a while, in order to even out your financial situation and save for a house. I know family child-care is not really option for you (from what I know of your family locations etc..) but that doesn't mean you cannot find a loving, caring, safe place for your daughter a few days a week.

Anyway- you have our support and understanding. You need to care for your child and your family in a way that is best for you.

I'm sorry Niha - this is what I am afraid of too. It breaks my heart just to think that when we do have kids - I won't be able to be a SAHM - at least not a FT SAHM.

We are struggling with this right now as we plan for the baby. If I stop working we can pay our bills and buy the necessities. But that is it. There is no play money left over. Things that don't even phase us right now like spending money at Target on things for the house, breakfast out on Saturday mornings, new $100 sneakers, my Pottery Barn addiction...will all come to an end. Yes, these things are not necessities, but there is something to be said about enjoying the little extras in life and no having to worry about finances down to the penny.

I struggle with going back to my current job or finding one closer to the house. If I do that i know I will only find a boring office job where I make $10-$12 an hour. Then I will just be miserable at work and feeling bad that my child is not with me.

At this point, it looks like I may work PT just to have some extra money so our lifestyle doesn't get turned upside down.

I totally understand how you feel! I have struggled with this for two years! I am the first to say that we were very lucky to have been able to save to buy a house before Paul was born, but having the house just brings other costs to the table (as you know).

We are not living paycheck to paycheck, BUT we still feel the pinch here and there. I even took a PT retail position briefly to help pay for things like groceries and also allow me to buy myself a new pair jeans or shoes and not feel guilty. We don't take 'fancy' vacations - we go to FLA to visit family and we cut costs by staying at their homes instead of in hotels. Might not be ideal, but at least we get to go somewhere.

I have to be honest with you Niha about the PT retail position. I was working nights on M,W,F and all day on Sat. It was not easy, but I chose a craft store b/c I LOVE crafts, and that made it easier to go to work. But, it DID effect Paul negatively (since I never left him in almost 2 years!). He had a crying fit everytime I put my coat on to leave, and his sleep habits became very disrupted...I'm guessing b/c he didn't get to say 'goodnight' to Mommy every nite and woke up wondering where I was.

However, I ultimately decided that working PT did not work out for me b/c the store manager was VERY annoyed anytime I needed to take a day off. Retail is VERY unforgiving about your schedule - they NEED you in that store and they will let you know it if you are inconveniencing them! To me, the headache of that was NOT worth the $8.25/hr. that they were paying me. The $135-150 per week was not helping us THAT much - but, maybe for you it might make a bigger difference.

You are not a bad mother for needing to work - even if it is PT! You are a great mother who understands that financial well-being in a family is just as important as mental, emotional and physical well-being. Yes, we all can learn to 'get by' with less, but the things that you are hoping to keep in your lifestyle are NOT unreasonable or extravagant.

You are not alone in navigating this very important issue! I hope you find something that not only helps your family, but something that makes you happy, too!

Not a mommy yet but I just wanted to say you touched on some of my deepest fears in your post. We could probably live on DH's salary if we ate tuna sandwiches every night, never bought anyone a gift ever again, and gave up all our home improvement plans. We're fortunate enough now that we vacation more than once a year, but even an annual trip would be something we'd have trouble with. That's not a life I want to live.

It doesn't sound like you have it as bad as I described but the truth is, it's hard to give up even some of the things all the ladies have mentioned.

I have no experience to speak from but as you can see from this board everyone finds their own solution somehow because there are certain things you just can't live without. We're considering leaving Long Island to raise a family so we can live much more comfortably. However, we don't have a lot of family here to keep us around. If we did, that option wouldn't be as viable because we're pretty family oriented people.

Claud, I appreciate your honest review about working mothers in retail. I worked retail in both high school and college and while I had two wonderfully flexible managers during that time, most of them don't give a hoot if you have a history paper due in two days and you need to leave early or come in late. I worked with several moms and if they had to leave early because their child was sick they weren't taken any more seriously than I was. And if they do give you the flexibility, you get a generous side dish of attitude and no mom needs that. I would avoid retail if at all possible because it just doesn't seem to be worth it. You're better off waitressing; there's more money (sometimes a lot more) and usually the hours are more flexible.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck finding a solution!

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We could probably live on DH's salary if we ate tuna sandwiches every night, never bought anyone a gift ever again, and gave up all our home improvement plans.

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Jenn- once someone said 'we just cut out the extras and I was able to stay home' my husband looked at me and said, 'Michele, food and lights are not really not extras' meaning....our lives would be so tight that I personally wouldn't sleep at night and neither would he. We chose to stay on LI because of MY family. DH offered to moved many times to a more rural and less expensive place so I could stay home. But for me, then I would just be home all the time and very lonely. There is NO easy answer to this problem on LI.

I am so happy you shared this with us. I've been going through some major guilt lately about becoming a SAHM. I just feel its the right thing for me to do, but I can't stop worrying about finances. I've always had my own cash to treat myself and what I have saved may not last me very long.

As someone else mentioned, we were fortunate enought to have our house before being married, but that doesn't mean the expenses stop. Hubby works 6 days a week as it is, so I worry he'll be working too hard to see his child's major milestone. However, I'm leaving the option open to return to work with my present company id I ever decide to.

It's a very hard decision - I am working full time now but my husband has just starting asking me to think about staying home but I am almost afraid to because I think it will be to tight and I would miss my own 'mad money'. He works 6 days 60 hrs a week now and he couldn't even begin to take on another job and I would have to find someone to watch the girls if I wanted to take a PT job on. So that is a heavy decision weighing in my mind right now. Why does LI have to be so damn expensive and no way am I moving off the island either

I have been a SAHM for the past 20 months now. And, yes its hard!! To make matters worse FH is self employeed so its not like we have a weekly paycheck from an employer. Luckly we're doing ok. We don't go out and spend money like we used to when there were 2 incomes but things are ok. Thankfully my brother just took over a business and I am going to be keeping the books for him on a percentage salary, I get a percentage of the profit from all jobs. That is 9 months out of the year but believe me... anything is going to help!

Leaving to go back to work didn't seem like the option for us even if we had to cut back on things we were used to. We didn't understand why we should go off to work to pay someone else to watch our child and teach her everything that we should be and experience all the milestones she has. As hard as it can be it was worth it 100 times over for me to stay home with her.

To all the mommies struggling with this... NY is a tough place to live on one income. If you can do it DO!!! If you can't make sure you have someone you trust 100% to teach your child the values you would like them to learn (Bad experience with a friends child)