Bil/Sil few questions..what would you do? what do you think?

Dh's brother is asking him questions about rings lately...YAY! I think he is going to propose to his long time girlfriend in a few months.

Here's the LONG story...

They have been dating for almost 7 years on and off. During the planning of my wedding, they were broken up- She was not involved in anything at all because everyone thought it was official... well, almost a year later my wedding came, and he invited her to our wedding with him- since then, they have been back together.

She gave us a Precious Moments figurine when we got engaged/for christmas (since we got engaged at christmas time)

She was not invited to the shower-because they were broken up

For the wedding, apparently she gave BIL $$ to give us for the wedding, but we never saw that... we never got a card or gift from BIL/Girlfriend... However, BIL paid for the BAR BILL at the rehearsal dinner-which Dh says was $800.00....not sure about this figure being accurate.

We did not have an e-party...

We get along, we are friendly, we talk through im/email every day and call eachother every few weeks... we go out as couples together, in the past have been on vacation together...as a side note...she is NOT generous with $$$, however comes from a lot of $$$ and has a lot of $$$

1. Would you expect that I would be asked to be a bridesmaid in their wedding?

2. They will probably have an e-party... plus shower/wedding/bach. party- all the normal stuff...Whether I am BM or not, I will be invited to everything

What would you do as far as gifts go?

I want to try to keep my opinions out of it and get third party opinions! So any thoughts would be welcomed!

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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I would do the same.

Just give like you normally would. Despite what has happened in the past, the situation is a bit different now.

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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i say the same thing. give what you would normally give. i'm sure that even if she is thrifty with money, she would have given to you if they had been together during your wedding, shower, etc.

I know we 'should' but it just makes me a bit ticked off, because as much as I like her, she is FAR from generous and now we have to be...

Do you think I would be asked to be a bridesmaid?

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Posted by Audreygirl

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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i say the same thing. give what you would normally give. i'm sure that even if she is thrifty with money, she would have given to you if they had been together during your wedding, shower, etc.

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that's the thing...she did come to the wedding and we didn't even get a card!


oh well.. I guess there's not much I can do about it....I don't HAVE to be overly generous though... right??

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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I agreee. Like you said they weren't together when you planned your wedding and all. But I am sure she would have given a gift. Even if it's not alot of $$ It's still a gift. Just give something that you normally would.

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Posted by july06bride

I know we 'should' but it just makes me a bit ticked off, because as much as I like her, she is FAR from generous and now we have to be...

Do you think I would be asked to be a bridesmaid?

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You might be being you are the sister in law. So your Dh brother might want you in it. And epicically if you are close and do alot together.

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Posted by RadioLau

I don't think that your gifts, etc should be affected by the on and off again relationship they had. If it's a go now, do it up. I wouldn't think about what she did or didn't do for you. It was just bad luck they were broken up during all of your activities. It's a shame actually since it looks like she will be part of the family! HTH good luck!

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It is a shame, because we both started dating the brothers at the same time and have been around eachother for a long time and it's sad she wasn't around for the planning...I would have made her involved...

I guess I was just hurt that we never even got a card from BIL or girlfriend... a gift would have been nice since neither have financial difficulties, however, a card I 'thought' was a no brainer....

I will just give 'the norm'

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Posted by Shorty McBride

Do it for DH's brother. It will make family life a lot easier in the future if you just stick to the norm.

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agree...

as far as being a BM, you never know... i didnt have my FH ask my BIL to be in our BP.. it all depends how big she wants her party to be...

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Posted by july06bride

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Posted by Audreygirl

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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i say the same thing. give what you would normally give. i'm sure that even if she is thrifty with money, she would have given to you if they had been together during your wedding, shower, etc.

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that's the thing...she did come to the wedding and we didn't even get a card!


oh well.. I guess there's not much I can do about it....I don't HAVE to be overly generous though... right??

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Oops - I missed that part. That really stinks. But we all have had people that showed up empty handed - the one me was a BM who actually introduced me and DH and she is not lacking funds (no card or gift either).

I think just do the NORM. You are a better person and maybe it will show her some manners if you treat her with the respect she should have treated you. I know easier said than done.

I do think you might be asked to be bm if you guys have hung out so much, sounds like you are pretty close when they are together and now you'll be family, so that's even more reason.

the details in this are complcated, but the basic answer remains the same.

It doesn't really matter what this one or that one gave and how much each spent. And, the fact that they were BROKEN UP during your wedding.......how can you expect a gift from her?
You cannot expect a gift when they were broken up.

It sounds like she is very thoughtful to have given you the xmas figurine, and BIL sounds VERY GENEROUS to have paid for the bar at RD.

Regardless of whether or not she asks you to be in the BP, you are going to be her sister in law.

Generosity has nothing to do with how much money you have or come from.....it really doesn't. I had millionaires at my wedding who gave me stingy innapropriate garbage $20 gifts, and people with NO money that were surprisingly generous.

You give them what you feel like giving them, depending on how you feel about them and how generous you are.

If you don't have any feelings one way or the other, then give them the equivalent of what you got from them, plus some extra b/c you must take into consderation that they werent married (or even together ) when you got married.

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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ditto, and seriously I'm kinda surprised you are debating it.

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Posted by Future Mrs.

the details in this are complcated, but the basic answer remains the same.

It doesn't really matter what this one or that one gave and how much each spent. And, the fact that they were BROKEN UP during your wedding.......how can you expect a gift from her?
You cannot expect a gift when they were broken up.

It sounds like she is very thoughtful to have given you the xmas figurine, and BIL sounds VERY GENEROUS to have paid for the bar at RD.

Regardless of whether or not she asks you to be in the BP, you are going to be her sister in law.

Generosity has nothing to do with how much money you have or come from.....it really doesn't. I had millionaires at my wedding who gave me stingy innapropriate garbage $20 gifts, and people with NO money that were surprisingly generous.

You give them what you feel like giving them, depending on how you feel about them and how generous you are.

If you don't have any feelings one way or the other, then give them the equivalent of what you got from them, plus some extra b/c you must take into consderation that they werent married (or even together ) when you got married.

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they were together at our wedding...I said I was hurt because we didn't even get a card...

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Posted by Kerrycec

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Posted by Shorty McBride

IMO, you should just give normal gifts (your usual amounts, etc.). Things have changed since your wedding, so even though she didn't give to you, you have to give to her.

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ditto, and seriously I'm kinda surprised you are debating it.

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I wasn't really debating it.. I asked for opinions and got some good ones and actually saw other people's pov -which is what I asked for.. I was never debating anything