I'm having a problem and wondering if anyone else has experienced this since they've been engaged...
I have a good friend who is very unhappy, very unattached and very bitter. When she's dating someone, everything is fine. But she hasn't been seeing anyone since I started dating FH and has been incredibly 'snarky' anytime I mention him- being sarcastic and making faces. Now that I'm engaged, she doesn't ask a single question about the planning or how I'm doing. She didn't even congratulate me.
All that being said... you might think I should just write her off. Thing is, she HAS seen me through some rough times. I think she's just profoundly unhappy- even clinically depressed- and I feel so badly for her that I can't even get angry. Still, it hurts and makes for a very awkward friendship.
Anyone have a similar experience? Any advice on how to save the friendship and keep my feelings intact?
Lauren
CherylandCliff
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
Hi Lauren,
I feel your pain. I have experienced the same thing with someone who I have considered a good friend for 14 years, and she was even my BM. I don't know if there is anything you can really do, and some people might suggest talking it out, but I think that really depends on your friend. I know that I could never have done that in my situation because I know how she is and it might have changed our relationship forever. DH can't stand her now, and it's because he sees her negative attitude and wants nothing to do with her. All I can suggest is that you make time for her once in a while that does not include FH or wedding talk because it sounds like she needs a reminder once in a while that you are still her good friend and there for her even though your life is changing. Good luck to you! And if YOU come up with anything, please let ME know because I'm still working on it on my end!
sr081906
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
My sister had a similar situation but not wedding related. She was friend with this girl for years. They were both dating guys that were friends. Both were miserable with their relationship.
My sister ended up out of her relationship. She met a wonderful guy and married him. She was having problems getting pregnant and got a miscarriage. All this time, she was still friend with this girl. Then my sister got pregnant again and was on bed rest but everything was going fine.
This is what the friend did. She told my sister that they had to stop being friends. Why? She told her she could not be around her now that she was happy and pregnant. It was not fair to her, blah blah blah. What??? I guess she wanted my sister to still be miserable that way her life did not look that bad afterall. They had been 'friends' for like 10 years or more.
What kind of friend is so selfish and not wishing you the best?
maria5-6-05
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
I'm actually in the same situation. My best friend for 22 years has always been self-oriented (to put it mildly). Although I must say we have little in common we remained the closest of friends. When I started to date my FH she felt threatened because I think here long time going-out partner would be gone. I even felt guilty about not hanging out with her as much. When I told her that I thought we might get engaged she flipped out about it. Just the thought of it made her a little nuts.
Anyway, when the day of our engagement finally came and she went out with us to celebrate.
Although throughout the past few months it's hurt quite a bit that she hadn't asked me much at all about the wedding I've realized that I knew the type of friend she was all along. I have to accept it or not. I thought about telling her how I felt about it but soon realized it would get me nowhere. I'm still friends with her and she is in my bridal party but in my eyes our friendship won't be the same. I don't think it's me personally I just think it's the jelousy that she had hoped she would be in my shoes at this point. She can't look past that to be happy for me.
My eyes have opened quite a bit since wedding planning has started and I've truly seen how selfish people really are. I will definitely be less generous with myself in the future.
Good luck with your situation. It's really your call as to whether you think it makes sense to talk to her about it or let it go. I know a lot of women who have ended the friendship over this but you have to feel in your heart that it's the right thing.
Please FM me if you need to talk.
Dina
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
Hi Lauren~ I'm kinda going through the same thing now too. I had been friends with this girl since the 7th grade who never had a bf and was pretty bitter about it. When FH and I first started dating 5 years ago, she was so rude to him! When we'd see her, she wouldn't even acknowledge his existence, no hi or anything. He always made an effort to be nice to her, so I finally distanced myself from her and hadn't spoken to her since.
Recently, she emailed me out of the blue wanting to catch up. She now was in a relationship, so I figured maybe she lightened up or something. We spoke a few times on the phone and I told her I was engaged, and although she didn't outright congratulate me, she seemed pretty interested in hearing about wedding plans, etc.
We finally met on Friday for dinner, and had fun but it wasn't until I got home that I realized she never even asked to see my ring, ask ONE question about my relationship, nothing! I'm torn too about whether or not I should rekindle this friendship, but I'm leaning towards no. If she can't accept my FH then I have no room for her in my life. She may be a friend, but he is going to be the father of my children for god's sakes!!
It's a difficult situation to be in and I wish you all the best working it out!
Summer101
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
I am in a similar situation. My cousin is very bitter about the engagement. She had been engaged once and called off the wedding a few months before because she met someone else. Then it did not work out with the other person and she hasnt found anyone really serious since. She is in my bridal party and doesnt talk about the wedding and when she is emailed about upcoming events like the bachelorette party, she doesnt email back. It is really sad and I feel really bad for her and I wish she would find someone great too. On the other hand, it took me a while to find the right one and I had some bad experiences and was single when I was in 3 bridal parties and never acted bitter. I dont think you can change the situation, I think you just have to accept it unfortunately.
LaurenR
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
Thank you so much, ladies. Glad- and sorry- to hear I'm not alone.
I think the most infuriating thing about it all is that I am always her 'cheerleader' - encouraging her, consoling her, convincing her that she can find the right guy/job/life. I am the second of her friends to have found someone unexpectedly in a short period of time and I'm sure she's really frustrated. I won't have her in my wedding- I think it'd be hypocritical for her to stand for me- but I'm going to invite her to attend. She's here in Minnesota and I'll be married on LI so likely she'll decline anyway. It's just SUCH a shame. It didn't have to be this way.... Lauren
IslandPrincess
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
Hi! I had that same kind of friend ALL through college. In high school everything was great, but once we were in college, things started getting weird. She would be so bitter and mean towards me when I had a b/f all through college and she didn't and she would make fun of my ex b/fs, etc, but once I broke up with them, she would try to go out with them. It was just a bad situation and it got me so mad b/c it just put me in a bad mood ALL the time. I finally realized that I didn't want her as a friend, I was just hoping that she would change back into the normal friend she was in high school, I think I was thinking more along the lines of I liked the memory of us as friends and once I got past that, I was able to move on and not care (that sounds so mean, but she was just a mean person towards me) Maybe you should just talk to her! Good luck
chansmom
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Re: Bitter friends after engagement
I have a really interesting perspective on this topic...I was once pretty bitter....and I am now on the other side. My little sister got married and I really truly was happy for her, but I was just really unhappy fo me. I am older than she is (obviously) and I felt that it was strange to be the second to marry (if I should one day meet someone). I was feeling left out, and so many people said hurtful things to me. It was a beautiful wedding, but it was a hard day for me...and I defintely did not handle it the way I should have. If only I had known then what I know now.
A few months later, I thought it would all die down but it did not...instead of getting annoyed I moved on even though my family could not they were totally obsessed with her wedding even afterwards ..so as my sister settled down into her wedded bliss....I met the greatest thng ever to happen to me! If I had known I was one day going to be as happy as I am now, I would not have acted or reacted that way.
I guess I am saying that even though you are close to these 'bitters', and it does not seem that they care...they do. They want good things for you as you want good things for them. They are just having a little difficulty seeing that they are hurting you. Until you are engaged, you really have no idea what it is like to plan a wedding and to know what is not 'acceptable' in terms of behavior. You are just trying to get through it without breaking down yourself.
So, smile at them and continue to stick with them they are important to you and even if they throw bad things your way...they are not themselves and not thinking.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP ENDURES!
They have no idea what the impact of their actions are and they wont until they are standing in your shoes!
