BM DILEMA Please read if you have time lol

So ladies, here is the whole story kinda squished into a smaller version..

I had a best friend since kindergarten. We've been super super super close ever since then and the relationship between the two of us is just 'not normal' LoL, it's kinda hard to explain, but its a thing that 'best friends' only get. We only get each others sence of humor, and we have jokes beyond anything in the world.

We are both 27 - going to be 28 in July. On our 24th birthdays, we had a joint party (we are 10 days a part) with so many people. Someone told me that she said something to the effect 'Wow there are 300 people here, and only 20 came for Sarah'. This really made me upset (at 24, anything will LOL) and this started a whole line of drama. My sister was forced into the hospital the eday of my birthday bc of drinking at the time so that was stressing me beyond anything, and to hear something that my BEST friend had said about me just pushed me over the edge. I left the party with my FH (boyfriend at the time ha) and cried the whole night. I would not pick up any of her phone calls or answer her emails or texts for a whole week. This killd me inside, but I was just so hurt by the whole thing. It was not just that comment, but a whole slue (sp?) of other things that was going on between us over the last couple of months before our party. We were both at fault, and I know things were said between our mutual friedns about each other, so I decided to cut her out of my life. We did not talk or see each other for FOUR YEARS. It was like the worst breakup with a boyfriend you could ever imagine. Not only did we not talk, our mutual friends broke apart and I rarely saw them anymore, she lives literally around theb lock from me, so when I saw her my heart would stop. (how nuts!?) If we saw each other at a bar, we would just walk by and not even look at each other. HOW TERRIBLE?! This really stressed me out and it got to the point that I was too afraid to pick up the phone or email her because the more I waited, the longer the time we hadn't spoken, the worse it was getting for me.

When I first got enaged, the first thing I thought was 'Wow, she isn't a part of this celebration, she's not going to be my bridesmaid like we promised when we were little (yes, we movie'd it up and even put notes saying our promise to each other and a mix tape and buried it) LOL I was so stressed bc I wanted to tell her so badly, but never did. This was May.

In December, I saw that she had a picture on her FB (I took her off my friends list way back but her picture just happend to pop up on my page on 'people you may know') of a kid who passed away that we both used to counsel with at a camp. I wanted to talk to her so bad over the years, and I felt this was the best time to. I was SOOOOOOO NERVOUS to message her! So I did and started with 'Hey I see you have a picture of *** up, we were just talking about him at work' (he attended the school in which I teach at now) and just simply wrote 'Hope all is well'. Having anxiety for a couple of days on if she was going to write back and what she was going to write was killing me! (this sounds like an ex boyfriend, no? LOL) So she finally writes back and it was so friendly! I was so relieved, so we were writing back and forth for a few weeks. Not just hey how was your day, but literally PARAGRAPHS to each other. PAGES even! IT was so nice to open up and catch up over the lost years weve had. We enede up getting each others numbers and texted for a long time and finally hung out. It was like we never stopped talking. I feel that is the beauty of a real friendship. No matter waht the drama, no matter how long you do not talk, if you get together and its exactly yhe same, even better, then that is a true friendship you need to cherish for your lifetime.

Now. here is the dilema. 3 of my bridesmaids are 3 girls we went to grammer schol with and they all have their opinions on this girl. Everyone else in the bp knows the story between us, ect. Me and this girl hung out on St Pat's and she cried to me on how happy she was that we are hanging out and talking again. She cried that she wanted to call me to congratulate me so bad when I got engaged but thought I hated her. We cried together and even though it was sad, it was all 4 years of stress and buildup between us that was just let go. We talked and talked and she was saying she always thought she'd be there helping me with my wedding and vis versa. In the back of my mind since I knew I was getting engaged, I wanted her a part of my day. We've gotten close and talk even more now, and I'm really thinking of asking her to be a BM.

If I do ask her though, (and I know its about me and Fh's day, and whatever makes us happy) will my other BM's have a problem and be mad with me?

If I don't, I know in my heart (as well as my head) that I will regret this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if any of you can relate to this with such a great best friend, but I'm really losing sleep over this.

sorry its so long, but I needed to vent here before confronting my bridesmaids about this. Thank you girls I love you with all my heart!

It's your wedding day. It's a day you'll always remember.

Bridal parties can get completely out of control. I've seen bridal parties with 15-20 girls and think to myself, 'Does that person really have 20 best friends?' You're talking about someone who obviously means a lot to you. If you want to include her, and it sounds like you truly do, don't let others' opinions sway you.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting (easy to do via the net), but it sounds as though you're worried that your current BMs are going to be angry if you include this person. It reminds me of jr. high/HS years. You know, when if I was angry with so and so, you had to be angry with her also.

WHen you tell them that you've asked her to be a BM, if they offer negative reactions, simply say that she's your friend, it means a lot to you to include her, and that while they don't have to be friends with her, you expect that they'll be polite and not make her feel uncomfortable.

One of my friends was just retelling a story about something that happened before her wedding day. One of her BMs was acting strangely and eventually said, 'I just really don't agree with a lot of the decisions you're making about your wedding.' Your BP doesn't have to agree with anything you choose for your day (unless you're putting them in Little Bo Peep dresses). She ended up not having that person in the wedding party.

You're moving on from what happened between you (at a time when you two were still quite young) and you need to do what will make you happy.

Crashing...

I can totally relate to how you feel. I went through something like that with a family member. We didn't leave things at a good note and just didn't talk for years. I know the anxiety of thinking that they may hate you, but really you just end up missing each other.

You already know that you would regret not asking her so you have an answer. Ask her to be your BM. The other girls should be understanding. Now I don't know if some of your BM's think really poorly of her and if its because of the situation you went through. Either way I don't think they will get upset and especially if they are good friends to you. This is a good chance for everyone to get along again.

Good luck!

You're story just brought tears to my eyes...how can you not include her in your day, who cares what the rest of the BM want or think, it's your day and you need to do what makes you happy. Not all of my BM's get along, but they suk it up because they want to keep me as happy and stress-free as possible, and I love them for it.

I went through something very similar to this.

I've known this girl for almost 10 yrs and she got married 2 yrs ago and I was in her bp. She helped FH plan my surprise party back in August and I won't get into full details but we got into this huge fight over the phone and didn't talk for months.


I got engaged on Xmas Eve and she was the bigger person and texted me. Since then we talk every now and then and we try and meet up for dinner/drinks at least once a week now.

My bp consist of all family right now and she's trying to get pregnant this girl. In fact she's been trying to get pregnant for a year now and the only reason I wouldn't ask her to be in my bp is because I definitely wouldn't want to put anymore pressure on her...emotionally and financially.

As far as the other girls in your party.....who cares!! It's YOUR day and it's what YOU want. Your bp can deal with it for ONE day. Just make sure that she'll put you in hers when she gets married.

never have regrets!!

so if you are going to regret not having her in your BP, then do it!

no one knows your friendship but you, don't let others make decisions for you

I have been in this situation. Actually going through it now. You have to remember that this is your day. You, hopefully, will only being doing this once. Who cares what anyone has to say, you guys have been friends forever. We all go through our ups and downs with friends, but that is what makes the relationship stronger. True friends are able to pick up right where they left off. A friend like that doesn't come very often.
PUT HER IN THE WEDDING!

Ugh breaking up with a best friend can be wayyy worse than breaking up with a boyfriend. ESPECIALLY when you'd been so close for so long! It feels like someone has died.

My best advice would be to consider WHY your current bridesmaids would be upset... you said there were other things that contributed to the 'break-up'

are your bridesmaids going to be upset because they care about you and don't trust her not to hurt you again?

or are they going to be upset because they've been more involved in your relationship with FH and with the wedding planning and they don't feel like it's fair for her to waltz right back into 'best friend status'

IF you're sure they'd only be 'upset' for the second reason then ask her!!! If you think it may be because of the first reason, then I'd really think hard before asking her. IF there's a chance of a big falling out again your bridesmaids may be right... and they probably only want the best for you, since they've stuck by you from the beginning.

I know it's a though decision, good luck!!! I really hope it all works out!

If you want here there, put her in!! It's about happiness be tween you and FH and if having her there will make you happy, go for it!!!!!

Have no regrets!!! Good luck!!!

lt honestly sounds like you already have the answer. It is your day, and you have to do what will make you happiest. You shouldn't let other people's opinions influence you.

I personally think you should ask her - if you feel that she will continue to be a part of your life for quite some time after your wedding.


Good Luck - you WILL make the right decision for you!!!!

Your other BMs are part of your day because they love you. They should want the best for you. For you to be happy! Its you and future hubby's wedding. If you cant imagine your day without her by your side ... DONT! Dont worry about uneven bridal parties or what other members of the party will think. They all have a common purpose ... to be there for you and future hubby! Thats it lol

Future hubby and I vowed to one another that we would pick bridal party members with the knowledge that in ten years from now we will know exactly where they are ... at our house for dinner! I personally have been in so many bridal parties and when it was all said and done I was lucky we even saw one another until their child's baptism! We didnt want that for us. So much happens with friendships when things are good, bad, indifferent in one's life - its perplexing but it just is! I stopped trying to find reasons for it!

It seems to me the two of you came into eachother's life again for a reason! You cut through the bs, sorted out your differences and moved on like friends, like BEST friends do! Dont hesitate another minute ... she has a bridesmaids dress to order! <3

You girls made my cry! Your answers were just what I needed to hear! I actually talked to the majority of BMs about it n they all said that it's about me being happy on thtat day but also said to be careful bc of what happened between us. I have three girls left to ask today, these are thte ones we grew up with. I will update tonight! Thanks again so much for your advice

Ok... your post made me cry. It's amazing to have such an amazing friend that you feel so connected to. You need to do what you feel is right. I had one girl I didn't end up putting in for silly reasons and I regret it. DO WHAT YOU WANT. The girls don't need to be best friends with her. It's your day! Make it perfect for you!

aww I didn't mean to make anyone cry!! It's just been sitting in the back of my mind for years on how a friendship could just end poof. just like that. so sad :( but happy times now that we are friends again. I think I will ask her, but soon like one of you said, to order the dress lol