I need some advice. One of my childhood friends is in my bridal party. We grew up together and she always liked to drink and be the life of the party but would usually end up a sloppy mess. As we got older it was apparent she has a drinking problem and me and her family has tried to get her help and it would last like a few days and she would be back drinking again. I stopped going out anywhere with her where we would end up in situations like that but we still consider eachother 'best friends' and I could not not put her in my bridal party. Anyway, she was even wasted at my eparty and FH family and friends were asking me the next day who was that and it was so embarassing. Recently she was at my BBQ at my house and again made a scene. Im getting really worried about the wedding. FH has told me he will not tolerate this and is afraid she will ruin our wedding.
I need advice!! TIA
JSG10506
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Re: BM dilemma
honestly, I would sit down and talk to her when she is sober and simply say to her when you are heavily intoxicated, which you never even realize that you are, you make a scene etc. and give her a few examples if need be. You can say, I love you and all as my friend but I'm really worried about all together in general, and I'm nervous about that possiblity that you could make yet another scene at my wedding which you know is very important to FH and I. I want to instill trust that you will keep your alcohol intake to a minimum since we all can have a fabulous time without the heavy drinking. Say this is a really special time for me, and you are a really special part of my life also, and I want you to be a huge part of the day also and remember every detail as I know I will. If she then turns it into a huge issue then you know what I hate to say it but maybe you shouldn't have her... all depending on how she reacts when you simply ask her to remain sober. This is such an important time for you, and I don't advocate on losing a friendship, but I also don't think it's acceptable for uncontrollably drink and ruin your important affairs. You shouldn't have to stress and worry anymore than you already know, ya know.
Hang in there, it'll get better!!
JCJinMay
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thanks...its just so hard because all it takes is one drink and she cant stop and I cant watch her all night at my wedding! I also dont want to punish everyone else in the BP and say no drinking in the limo,,,etc. It shouldnt have to come to that. FH thinks it will ultimately end in the friendship ending if she carries on at the wedding. I will have to talk to her.
curiousgeorge
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Re: BM dilemma
No advice here..I just wanted to say good luck!
JCJinMay
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thanks!! :)
JSG10506
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Personally, as an adult I feel like she should be able to know when to stop unless of course she has a problem of which apparently she does you all think. But even if she does have a problem, hopefully for just ONE day she can control herself and not have that one drink that will trigger more ya know. I absolutely do not think you should punish everyone else who can be respectable adult drinkers just because she doesn't know when to stop. I think you should address this issue since it is stressing you so much during one of her sober moments and if she flys off the deep end or wont make a conserted effort starting asap, then I would ask her to not be apart of your BP. You have enough on your plate without having to worry if someone is going to act in a ridiculous behavior that will embarrass you and make the entire day nothing but stressful... You should be able to enjoy every moment, not worry about it.
JCJinMay
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i agree...we will see what happens.
angels914
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Good Luck and do what needs to be done !!!!!!!! You don't need anyone to ruin your day !!!!!!!!!
PegaLega
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Re: BM dilemma
To be honest.....Make her a guest or tell her she cant drink.
A person in my BP who does NOT have a drinking problem did some things during my reception that are inexcusable and extremely innappropriate. If she can NOT agree to not drink then unfortunately I would move her down to guest.
You dont need someone that is your best friend to embarrass you or possibly worse the day of your wedding. I know it sounds harsh but if that is the way she is all the time its not going to change just b/c you ask her to calm it down.
Good Luck
JCJinMay
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Re: BM dilemma
thats exactly how I feel....she is not going to change 1 day for me esp. if she has a problem. this is such unecessary stress!!!
bluegreen08
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Re: BM dilemma
I would tell her you want her to stay sober on your wedding day, and if she can't agree to do so then she should be a guest.
I have a 'friend' (not a close friend, but a friend of one of my very close friends and BMs) who always gets sloppy drunk at events. She got us kicked out of the bar early on NYE, she always needs to be watched, and my friend the BM said she really didn't want to be stuck babysitting this girl at my wedding.
BM's mom was driving the girl to/from the wedding since they live nearby, and we thought this would make her a little more cautious but she was still absolutely wasted one hour into the reception. I had to tell my bridal attendant to try to have the bar cut her off but she was stumbling around on the dance floor, asked my dad to clear her plate (she thought he was a server since he was wearing a tux ) and then apparently made out with DH's little cousin.
I thought 'things would be different' because it's my wedding and she would know better, but when you have a problem one event is the same as any other. I don't really know what to tell you, but lots of hugs
mmm117
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Re: BM dilemma
Posted by JCJinMay
thats exactly how I feel....she is not going to change 1 day for me esp. if she has a problem. this is such unecessary stress!!!
I agree. It sounds like this girl has a serious problem that goes well beyond the risk to your wedding day. This might be a good opportunity to confront her on this bad behavior and help her see what she's doing to herself. That said, I think you're totally within your right to ask her not to be in your wedding party if she can't behave herself. Good luck!!!
Suzanner
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Re: BM dilemma
I hate to 'shade' honesty, but this is a very delicate situation, which may require some delicate fudging and careful manipulation. Not my first choice, but if you've dealt with addicts or alcoholics before, you know the terrain can be difficult. Honesty doesn't always work with people who won't be honest with themselves.
I would bring up a 'story you heard recently at work about a co-worker's relative who's wedding was destroyed by her sister getting drunk and making a scene at the wedding'.
I know, it sounds so tacky. But if you want to preserve the friendship and have her in your wedding, it may be the quickest and most painless way to go.
At that point, you'd probably have a laugh or two about the story, and maybe then you can mention that you have similar concerns about a particular relative, because your families will NOT tolerate it. Then maybe you can gently mention that she is also a concern to you, as you hoped the eparty could pass without incident.
Or, you could really do her a favor, and say 'I don't want you in my Bridal Party, or even as a guest, because I am afraid you will get drunk, like you did at my eparty, and ruin the most important day of my life. Even if you do NOT get drunk, I will spend precious moments of my wedding worried that you WILL.'
I think it depends on how you want to go. The first way may get your point across and cushion the blow. However, it also may not work, and you WILL spend precious moments of your wedding worrying about a likely scene. The second will definitely work, as she will not be in your party, or at the wedding to make a scene. However, she will probably not be in your life for some time, or at least until she gets to Step 9 sometime in the future.
I hope the situation gets resolved, and I hope your day is wonderful. And finally, I hope your friend gets the help she needs.
JCJinMay
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Re: BM dilemma
thanks everyone. It really is probably the hardest situation to be in. Im afraid either way I choose will end the friendship ultimately. FH obviously does not particularly like her because of the things that have happened in the past and he just wants the day to be carefree. I mean its sad when after your own eparty, everyone had fun but the main topic of convo was 'who was that?'
JenBill61210
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Re: BM dilemma
i agree w/ some other girls, i would sit down and have a heart-to heart talk with her about how her behavior made you feel at your eparty and that you do not want it to happen again at your wedding.
Suzanner
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Re: BM dilemma
You just answered your own dilemma.
After your own eparty, the main topic of conversation was her behavior.
Case closed. Do not allow her to be at your wedding, because it seems to me that as long as she is there, you cannot focus on yourself and your FH.
I just caution you to make sure you don't let FH's feelings force your decision. If this girl has been your friend for years, I'm not suggesting you abandon her, I think she needs your support. It's just that that behavior doesn't belong at your wedding.
