BM help (LONG)

OK, here it goes. I have not asked all my BMs yet, but I asked three so far. One of them was constantly complaining to me (before I asked her) about being in another bridal party. Telling me the bride was driving her crazy wiht many issues. I thought to myself, maybe she is telling me this b/c she knows I am going to ask her and that is her way of letting me know she doesn't really want to do it. A few weeks later I ask her and she tells me she is more than honored. I tell her about the feelings I was having and she said no way, the other bride is just really nuts. So a few weeks goes by and I am on the phone with her and she is telling me they are planning the shower for this other bride and that since she is letting them have it at her house, she feels she does not need to chip in any money for the shower. She and the other BMs are also going to cut the guest list b/c they feel there are too many ladies being invited. IMO, I think that is so nervy. So of course, I start thinking about my own Bridal Party, shower, etc. I am in a wedding in Feb and it has cost me a fortune. When I accepted to be a BM, I knew what it was going to involve. I started to wonder if this girl was going to cause problems with my other BMs in regards to money.

BM #2. I was on the phone with her last night and she was asking me all about the bachlorette party and shower I just made (along with the rest of the Bridal party) for my friend. I told her everything and she asked how much everything cost. I said about 300 for the shower. She says to me, that is ridiculous. I have spent 80 in the past and I think that is totally nuts. She says, did you know it was going to be that much. I say of course, that is part of being in a Bridal Party. So we are talking a little more and she tells me she is going to tell my other friends that she is not paying that amount for my shower or bachlorette party.

So basically is what I am getting at is I do not want these girls to cause money issues with my other bridesmaids. I could not care if my shower was in the backyard of someones house, but I know my other BMs and they would not want that at all.

I was thinking of writing a really nice letter to the girls and explaing to them that I know being a BM could be a lot financially and I would totally understand if they are not able to do it.

What do you girls think?

I could be taking this all the wrong way. I am just a worrier! My FH says not to worry about it.

This is just a short verson of it all!

P.S. I have done a lot for BM #1. She was enaged, I bought her two engagement gifts, a shower gift and purchased the dress. And guess what, the wedding was cancelled and I got nothing back.

I hate cheap BMs!! I was in a wedding where the MOH argued with me over including the wishing well!! I was like HELLO!!! It only costs $20!! I told her I thought she was cutting corners and she got soooo mad at me but I didn't care! She was being cheap! I personally would give those girls an out b/c they can't be giving people a hard time over the cost of things - I've spent on average $300 per shower that I've thrown...thats just what it costs if you want to do it nicely IMO, and you deserve the best for your wedding!!

Make sure the other girls you ask are fully aware of the costs involved!

I would not write a letter to everyone. What I would do was brief the other girls so they can figure out how to deal with this 'problem' BM.

Showers and Bach. Parties are thrown FOR you and unfortunately, we have very little say in the planning of them. Just sit back and let them handle all of this. They can duke it out and decide how to deal with her best. This part was hard for me too. Something I said to my stepmother was taken out of context and she went and told my stepsisters (who were my bridesmaids.) All of a sudden, I got six emails from my bridal party accusing me of planning my own shower. Just let it go...

jms,

I totally agree with you. I was just looking our for the other BMs and did not want them to feel bad or have to pay more money b/c one or two girls do not want to do their share.

I wouldn't want someone like that near me! It doesn't sound that she has money problems, it sounds that simply 'she is cheap'. IMOP she is the type of person that does not like to give or share with other people, and let's face it, nice things cost money. If she were in a hard finacial situation, I am sure that her comments would be different as such as 'I cann't afford it, etc', but critizicing the amount of money that you or other people spend is just pettiness. If I was the one with the problem, I kindly would tell her that I can see how much of a burden it would be for her to be in my BP, and that I have decided not to put such heavy load on her shoulders.

Good luck!

Elena

This is awful, I specifically Excluded a friend of mine from the BP b/c I KNEW that she would cause money issues for the other girls b/c I was in a BP when she did this already, used every excuse in the book, and tried to stiff us in the end too.
So although I love her, I excluded her so the others wouldnt have the aggravation that we did.
It's a tough situation. I would do 2 things, since they are already part of the BP. Talk to the MOH and ask her if their cheapness would cause a problem. If the answer is yes, then I would def. give them an 'out'. Tell them it will most likely be costly and you fully understand if they are not ready to take the role of BM, b/c you cannot be unfair to the rest of your BP.

Good Luck

I think there is always a good chance there is going to be a 'problem BM'. I wouldn't worry about it now anyway- because 1- you don't know what is going to end up happening 2- It is out of your hands. In the end some BM's will always throw in extra $$- everything will end up working out.

I agree with everything the other girls have said, but I just want to point out (IMHO) that it really is a huge financial responsibility to be in a BP...My own BP only had the reponsibility of buying their dress and a shower gift (my mom paid for my shower and bach party) and I still heard people complain...I tried not to take it personally b/c people deal with these things differently...Just b/c I am generous with $$ and buy a friend a $300 gift for her shower, doesn't mean that she will or must to do the same for me. Maybe this BM loves you very much and definitely wants to be there for you but isn't ready to make the financial sacrifice. That doesn't mean she shouldn't be in your BP, it just means that the rest of the girls should be aware of this. Being in a BP isn't about how much $$ you spend, it's about being a supportive friend for the bride.

Yes, that comment of telling the other that she wouldn't give more than $80 no matter what is horrible

And it is not about the money, is the lack of love and friendship, if she were supportive money wouldn't matter, because I am sure someone in that situation of being truly bankrupted but caring about her friend, wouldn't behave like that. IMOP.

good luck!