Bridal Party Problems... And some venting thrown in.

Ok so I have a serious problem here. I was just a bm for my fsil's wedding this past February. She included me for two reasons, one she needed a partner for her brother and two because she felt obligated for whatever reason. At the time of the actual wedding I was still only his gf, although we had been dating for 3 and a half years.

Now the problem that I see is that my fsil and I have had maybe four conversations the entire time that I have been with her brother. And three of those were after I was TOLD, not asked, to be one of her bm's.

The backstory here is that during one of my breaks from school I went up to visit the then bf and I'm sitting around with him and his family and then my fmil asked when I was going to start looking for dresses, so of course since the wedding was about a year away I figured what was the point in looking for a dress that early. She then started telling me that I couldn't wait much longer because the dress had to be ordered and it had to be sized and that was going to take a long time. Once I had a confused face I guess she realized that I had no idea what she was talking about and finally said she didn't tell you did she. You're in the bp! Normally I'd be flattered that someone would want me to be in their bp but, I'm in college I can't drop everything for someone that isn't even a friend and who didn't even ask me to do it. Being a part of a bp as many of you know is quite expensive when you factor in the dress, shoes, jewelry (that she didn't give us), makeup, mani/pedi, hair, and my plane ticket from school plus the presents that you have to get them.

So that was the first problem. Second problem was that her moh was a complete and total ***** to me. For absolutely no reason.

So my real problem now, because that whole nonsense is over is that during the process of her wedding planning. She made a statement that she EXPECTS to be in her brothers' bp.

After all the crap that I went through with her wedding she EXPECTS to be in my bp just because I'm marrying her brother... I don't think it works that way.

Basically after my rant I'm looking for you ladies to give me your opinion.

hell no! I'd tell FH straight out why you don't want her and have him tell his mom. ridiculous.

better yet, have a really small BP and then you don't have to make up an excuse not to have her.

OR...if you cant avoid it, make her miserable during it. pick out the most unflattering dress for her.

ffffffffffffffffffuckkkkk thatttttt

it's YOUR bridal party!!! you are supposed to pick YOUR closest friends regardless of relation and obviously she is not one of them.

Please please please do not let anyone else influence your decision - I wouldn't even announce anything yet or even say that you've already chosen your girls...

If she or your fmil ask just say you haven't decided how many girls you want and that you and your FH will make a formal announcement once you have chosen.

Oh gosh i am SO sorry you had to deal with that BS but TRUST ME you will NOT want to deal with her on your day!!!

You do not have to have anyone in your BP you don't want to be in it. I agree with Amy that you should maybe just try and keep your BP small. I personally could have had another 10 people on my side alone if I wanted to put everyone I wanted in but FH and I both decided to keep our WP relatively small (5 on my side, 4 on his).

Also, do you really want to have someone in your BP that is going to cause you problems or make the whole process for you not as much fun as it should be? I understand the flip side of it that by not putting her in you may cause some tension with his family but bottom line it, it's you and FH's wedding and it's your decision alone.

I will admit that at the time I was a little upset that I was not in my brother's wedding because they literally only had her sister as the MOH and my brother had 2 BM but seeing how much weddings cost and you have to factor in a gift for every single one of those people in your WP, I completely understand why they did what they did (esp. since they paid for the whole thing themselves just like FH and I are doing now).

You really need to weigh the pros and cons here and it seems to me you have more cons about putting her in the BP. Definitely do not do it out of obligation.

How is her relationship with FH? Do they have a good one? I can understand how she would want to be in the BP out of support for her brother.

However, if having her in your BP would be an issue, then I would say don't have her.

I was supposed to be my SIL's MOH (mind you she asked me after 5 months of knowing her); UNTIL she basically told me I had to go somewhere with her on a day I already had an appointment and was told it was about HER. So I backed out.

So, when DH and I got engaged, I contemplated asking her to be a BM because over time our relationship got better.

That was until she insisted my MIL was happy for us, even though she told DH the night before he proposed she wasn't going to our wedding and that she was telling her friends not to go.

So that squashed her being in our BP and it was the best decision I ever made.

Point is...this day is about you and FH. Sit down with FH and discuss how you feel about FSIL being in the BP. If she can't respect you as a person, then she is disrespecting her brother. And therefore, she should be a guest.

To be quite honest she doesn't have a close relationship at all with her brother. She left to college a few years ago but then came back because that school wasn't for her and then the time that she was home while he was she was always with her bf at the time who is now her husband. My entire senior year of high school that while I was dating him I saw her maybe twice. After I graduated hs and went off to college she moved with the bf to Indiana and the fh and his family moved to Tennessee. She has made it quite clear that her husband and her life are more important than being close to her family. She's extremely independent and strong-willed. Not that these are bad qualities but I feel like she may have put me in her bp just so that I would feel obligated to put her in mine. If that makes sense.

I know a lot of people are like this and I'm not trying to bash her decision but to me family is very important and I do want a small bp, I'm having my best friend and one of my cousins as co-maids of honor. (I cant choose between the two) and my other cousin will be a bm. I might have my college roommate it depends on whether or not she wants to be a part of it, she lives in Louisiana full time and I know it's a lot to ask. But at most I will have four and they will be two best friends and two cousins that I grew up with.

Well, if her DH and her life alone is more important than maintaining a relationship with her own family she should have no problem not being part of the BP.

I chose people who were my true and honest friends. And it seems like you have that sorted out already, minus her.

Personally, I'd make it a no and if she has problems with it, oh well.

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Posted by EmilieAnn

I know a lot of people are like this and I'm not trying to bash her decision but to me family is very important and I do want a small bp, I'm having my best friend and one of my cousins as co-maids of honor. (I cant choose between the two) and my other cousin will be a bm. I might have my college roommate it depends on whether or not she wants to be a part of it, she lives in Louisiana full time and I know it's a lot to ask. But at most I will have four and they will be two best friends and two cousins that I grew up with.

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you answered yourself right there. It seems to me you are very clear about who you want in your BP so that should be your final decision. I am 100% agreement with you about the small BP and fmaily coming first. My BP consists of Matron of Honor (friends for 24 years), my Maid of Honor (best friend for 9 years and I found out in the process is actually my 4th cousin - crazy right?), my 2 other cousins and FH's sister (but I am close friends with her). Also, anyone else involved in the actual wedding (like readers, gift presenters, etc) are all going to be family of very close friends.

Maybe a solution for you may be to include her in another way, like a reader at the ceremony.

I just really feel strongly that you should not seem forced to have someone in your BP. If you have that feeling at all, that person should not be included. These are the people who are going to be your hsoulder to lean on and your helping hands throughout this entire planning process and you want people you are going to be able to rely on and you know will be there for you and not cause you problems.

I'm feeling your pain on this one because I know when it comes down to picking my bridal party, my FH has already asked me if I would consider his sister AND his sister-in-law.

FML....FML!!!!!

I really wouldn't want to put either of them in BUT I guess out of respect for your FH and your future family, you can ask her HOPING she'll say NO!!!

Good luck and keep us posted.

p.s. If FH doesn't even have a good relationship with his sister(I know my FH doesn't get along with his sister most of the time)then maybe he'll understand.

You ladies are so great... THANK YOU.

I do basically have my mind made up but I'm just looking for a little reassurance. LOL.

I wish this were an easy decision to make. But the hard part is still ahead. Telling the FH, FMIL, and telling the FSIL that she's definitely not in the bp.

I'm pretty confidant that the FH will be ok with it because he's made it very clear that I'm in charge of pretty much everything to do with the wedding. Plus he had a front row show for all the drama that went on during her wedding planning process. And he knows that I'm not a fan of her. We're oil and water. I know I can be stubborn and hard-headed at time but so is she and when you have two people that are strong-willed it's a recipe for disaster.