Bridal Shower Etiquette...SO Upset - LONG!

Yesterday I found out about some problems with my shower...all of which center around FMIL (who many of you know, is a pain in my azz.)

I learned that she wanted to invite 5-6 of her friends. First of all, is that proper for HER friends to be at MY shower? I really don't know, so just be truthful about that.

After a lot of bickering, the person planning the shower just let it go and told FMIL she could have her friends there. But I also know of another problem...FH's extended family cannot make the date that the shower is planned for. And that's causing another problem and FH is siding with his mother. I hate that our parents disagreements have turned into (or feels like) my entire family vs. his entire family...the two of us included!

I gave it some thought and suspect my shower is April 8 - - my friend's b-day. I think this because she lives in cali and was planning a b-day party and has suddenly decided to celebrate in NY (her family is here so that could make sense.) According to FH, the person planning the shower told his mother (when she said her family couldn't be there) 'well, some people can't always come to parties.' Today I told FH my suspicions about my friend from cali and asked him, 'if it comes down to your aunts or bridget (my friend -- also a BM), who would you want - for me - to be there?' He said, 'Bridget of course. Don't worry. But sometimes people can't go to parties.' Very sacastic.

This has me so upset...this is the one thing my father wanted to do without any aggrivation and now that's what we're getting with everything. I almost don't even want a shower at all now.

How do I handle this???

oh lordy! well you can't rearrange a shower b/c one or 2 people cannot make it. at that rate, you'd never have a shower. let them have it the day they planned and whatever happens, will happen.

as far as your fmil's friends, imo, no, they really don't have a need to be there. i am in the same boat. my fmil wants to have her friends and HER cousins, not fh's cousins, but her own cousins. i feel they are too far removed to be invited to my shower. but, is she paying for anything? if she is contributing, she should have a say in her side, but not to the point where its all her friends there.

hth

I agree that if you actually tried to set a date that worked for everyone you'd never ever have a shower. So there is some truth in the notion that there will be some people who can't make it. As for my personal beliefs, I would at least try to accommodate family members before friends but in your case you seem to be very close to this girl so it's a tough call. I guess I would say go for the date that works for the most people... Kind of a 'majority rules' thing.

As for your FMIL wanting to invite her friends I would say that it's fine. I'm assuming these women are invited to the wedding so in that case I would think she must be pretty close with them, kinda like they are family. I wouldn't sweat that, what's a few more people at your shower?


ETA: As for feeling like the fighting winds up being his family vs. yours.... Well, I hate to say it, but in this instance it is. They want certain things and your family wants certain things and obviously they're not agreeing. It's no stretch that your FI is going to side with his family and you with yours... My best advice that I could give you in this situation, is to stay out of it! This is one of the only aspects of the wedding that you and honestly your FI should stay out of. Let everyone else handle it b/c I guarentee they will figure out a way to make it work. The fact that you and your FI are getting dragged into it is really not fair. It's supposed to be a surprise and as such you should know NOTHING about it. Hang in there, it will all work out just fine...

No, FMIL is not paying a dime. My father wanted it that way - they are spliting the wedding and we hate how they now have a say in EVERYTHING - so he thought it would run perfectly if he paid, and she had no say. The ironic thing? I absolutely HATE one of the friends she's inviting.

We're not talking about one or two people...we're talking about 7 - FH's entire extended family. And apparently, FH's Grandma called the shower planner to express her unhappiness...in addition to FMIL.

ANd I am almost positive that my Cali friend won't be able to come if the date is switched. That will make me miserable.

But at the same time, this is causing problems between me & FH. He's siding with his mom, and I'm siding with my family.

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Posted by carlsbride

Don't try to handle it, let the people who are hosting & planning the shower deal with it.

Stuff went on with the planning of my shower and I found out afterwards-at first I was very upset and defensive-then I realized it was not worth getting upset about - this will be my family - don't let it get started on a bad note because of something that will not matter in 5 years.
It will work out - just let it go.

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Very well put!

If your FMIL is inviting ladies to the shower that are invited to the wedding the usually it is ok, (unless they are people you have never met before, and they are being invited over others that you want to be there but they didnt invite)

Some people want to keep their showers simple, others want to invite everyone they know and then some, so you have to speak up and let your family know what is important to you. I know that sounds soo hard and it probably is going to be, but honesty is the best way to go in these situations because then there are no hidden wonders.

I wish you the best, and maybe you can talk some sense into these crazy people!! haha

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Posted by robynlevy

No, FMIL is not paying a dime. My father wanted it that way - they are spliting the wedding and we hate how they now have a say in EVERYTHING - so he thought it would run perfectly if he paid, and she had no say.

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Please don't take this offensively because I'm not trying to be mean...

When my brother got married my SIL and her family had the same attitude... We pay we say and to be honest it was a little hurtful. My parents were very willing to pay half of everything but they wouldn't accept it. Please remember that this woman's SON is also getting married and it's an important day for her as well. The fact that you're saying you 'hate how they now have a say in EVERYTHING' is kinda hurtful on your part and maybe this woman feels like she needs to be a bit pushy so that her side of the family isn't left out. Try to remember that you're not the only one getting married here... There are TWO families involved. Compromise is really key in this situation...

thanks for the advice, and i don't take offense to anything that was said.

However, isn't inviting her friends a fair comprimise? I want her family there - and they were of course on the original invite list - but at the sake of my BM from Cali not being there, well....then its not worth it.

=(

First off, I'd like to say that I think it stinks you are getting pulled into a shower debate... you are supposed to be surprised! not stressed....

As for party dates/inviting... why don't they just do 2 if its gonne be a problem finding 1 date... this way your friend from Cali come go, and your dad will pay and be happy, and then FH's family can host one and FMIL can invite the whole town if she wants too... just think... more presents for you!

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Posted by robynlevy

thanks for the advice, and i don't take offense to anything that was said.

However, isn't inviting her friends a fair comprimise? I want her family there - and they were of course on the original invite list - but at the sake of my BM from Cali not being there, well....then its not worth it.

=(

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I agree that it would totally stink to not have your friend at your shower so is there any possiblity that your friend can change her flight?

I will never in all my life understand why the Groom's family, beyond mother, sisters, and Grandmothers, need to even be invited to a BRIDAL SHOWER.

It is a party for the BRIDE. We invited my MIL and her mother, and that was IT. I think we also invited DH's cousin, because I think she's a doll, but she didn't come (or bother to RSVP for that matter). It's inappropriate to have to worry about inviting everyone and their mother, IMO. Unless you know these women well and want them at your shower, they don't belong there.

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Posted by PrincessRose

I will never in all my life understand why the Groom's family, beyond mother, sisters, and Grandmothers, need to even be invited to a BRIDAL SHOWER.

It is a party for the BRIDE. We invited my MIL and her mother, and that was IT. I think we also invited DH's cousin, because I think she's a doll, but she didn't come (or bother to RSVP for that matter). It's inappropriate to have to worry about inviting everyone and their mother, IMO. Unless you know these women well and want them at your shower, they don't belong there.

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Me neither! I have six people on my shower list from FMIL I have NEVER met. I don't mind inviting FH's mom, sister, aunts and even cousins, but these are like second cousins. I am gonna feel kind of weird opening a gift from people I never met.

I feel your pain, I am feeling this way about the wedding after the CR@P we were put through for our eparty, the wedding guest list, when the std's go out..etc. etc.. FMIL has immaturely insulted me (to my face and behind my back) many times for not having things HER way.. Luckly FH is NOT blind to it and is VERY supportive!!!

Just remember you cant please everyone he will get over it, dont let it bother you!

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Posted by SuzBride

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Posted by PrincessRose

I will never in all my life understand why the Groom's family, beyond mother, sisters, and Grandmothers, need to even be invited to a BRIDAL SHOWER.

It is a party for the BRIDE. We invited my MIL and her mother, and that was IT. I think we also invited DH's cousin, because I think she's a doll, but she didn't come (or bother to RSVP for that matter). It's inappropriate to have to worry about inviting everyone and their mother, IMO. Unless you know these women well and want them at your shower, they don't belong there.

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Me neither! I have six people on my shower list from FMIL I have NEVER met. I don't mind inviting FH's mom, sister, aunts and even cousins, but these are like second cousins. I am gonna feel kind of weird opening a gift from people I never met.

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I had to add to this one, I told FH he is going to the shower, cause i know FMIL will want ALL her guests invited that means i will not know about half if not more than half the people at my own shower!!! FMIL threw her other DIL a seperate shower just with her (FH's moms) friends (about 40-50 people), i would be SOOOO embarassed!! i already told him if she does that i will be very pissed and possibly walk out!!! Her reasoning...she gives her friends kids gifts so she wants her kids to get them back in return..