bridesmaid drama/confusion

so I have this friend I've known since we were like 5 but in the past few years we had a few issues (I could write a novel about that but basically she hung out with my ex behind my back, but supposedly didn't hook up, and she lied about it) and we just haven't been as close as we used to. when me and fh started looking at rings in January he told me I should go check out a few halls just so when we got engaged we'd basically know where we'd get married. I dragged her to Fox hollow to see the new room which when we actually got engaged and everything it's where we ended up booking. (just from the past when I was engaged to someone else I saw every single hall on long island lol)

anyway besides that I had probably not seen her in a year. then when we had remodeling problems (the dudes never came back!) she jumped in for $$ of course and patched up our ceiling they left cut open. that was in February. then she basically disappeared.

when we got engaged I of course texted everyone how we got engaged (called only 1 friend after my family, we were in Canada! lol) anyway my friend never said congrats claiming later on she was so busy with her mom, that her phone is horrible, whatever. I also messaged her on FB just incase she didn't get text. which she claims her internet doesn't work properly? yet I saw her posting all this stuff daily on fb, and even was told by one of our mutual friends how he was just talking to her but she claimed she didn't see my fb im and never sees my posts. with all our mutual friends you'd think it'd keep popping up as everyone kept commenting? whatever

skip to almost 3 weeks later she finally ims me on aim saying congrats and that she's been so busy etc. by then I had basically picked my bridal party and she was not included since come on not even a congrats? with all the technology nowadays? I don't even know anyone who isn't glued to their phone lol.

anyway then she tells me how excited she is for me and that she'll help me with wedding planning etc and disappears. doesn't ask to see my ring, or want to meet up, nothing. all my friends the second we got back from vacation came over lol. minus 1 who is in med school and actually really busy so I left her alone but I'm sure she would have come if I asked her.

then skip to over a week later when she sees I asked my bridal party (fb lol) she comes basically yelling at me. saying how insulted she is how I didn't ask her. that how could I not. that she was going to help me with everything. that we've known each other since we were 5 years old. that just because she was busy for a few weeks she doesn't understand and that to her even though we never see each other are still best friends. I tried to explain I just wanted to ask the girls I see and hang out with all the time. who know my fh. she has met fh maybe 3 times? and he's not a fan of her. he finds her in his words 'sneaky' and 'shady' he even now thinks she only wants to come around so she can have the title of being a bridesmaid and get a gift (I don't entirely think that's true because it cost money to be a bm). of course due to past issues most of my girls dislike her, my mom hates her I mean really like loathes her. then of course she was telling me how she had been crying for days over this, not being asked. and reminded me of what I wrote about above, going to fox hollow, helping patch up ceiling. reminding me of when I was engaged 6 years how much she helped, etc. even last night she said she found her speech from years ago.

I don't know what to do now. am I supposed to ask her now? I feel bad especially when she's telling me she's been crying for days. which fh says is BS lol. actually it made him dislike her even more just over that. of course she has no desire to help me now since she isn't a bridesmaid telling me that's their job. she couldn't seem less interested in my wedding now. even telling me how she wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid one day well saying how she'd just ask guys I guess she didn't exactly say I won't be asking you lol. which I don't really care about because to be honest I'm not dying to be anyone's bm lol, nor do I think it's supposed to be a value on your friendship. I have helped anyone who has ever asked on where to go dress shopping, etc. to me it's just being a nice person. anyway it just seems awkward now like I already had a dinner and asked all my girls. now what do I send her a text and ask her? I don't even know what to do. if I should even bother.

she's claiming all these mutual friends of hers were asking her why I didn't make her a bm and I'm sure I'm seen as some evil heartless person now lol. that how could I not ask my dearest friend in the world who is always there. but I mean helping and getting paid to patch up a ceiling isn't being there for me. that's wanting money. I don't think she's come to my birthday since I was 25? actually maybe 24. it's like we basically do not hang out anymore. to me talking on the internet all the time doesn't make us best friends anymore. it's actually weird like she only talks to me super late at night like when she must have nothing better to do? this isn't even bridesmaid drama this is bridesmaid confusion lol. I have no idea what to do. do I ask her now out of guilt? she is good with planning but is that the reason I am supposed to ask her? I've known her forever but like I feel distant from her. of course she goes on and on how people ask people to be bms even if they move away but she hasn't moved away she literally lives 5 minutes away from me.

it's like she just chooses not to hang out with me but now claims she'd be free all the time and she could get to know fh. claiming that her lawsuit is over, and her mother is now better. I don't even understand how a lawsuit can keep you busy? one of my bms had one and she never had to do anything except really collect money at the end lol. I think she did a deposition but that's like 1 day. and yes years ago she was always there for me, helped a lot, etc. but do I just go on that? or maybe I am wrong and just because we haven't seen each other I should still consider her a really great friend? if anyone actually reads all of this and has any advice I'll be forever grateful!

none of my friends are real help since they all extremely dislike her lol. so I figured I'd try to get an unbiased opinion.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't want her in your BP. That's fine. I'd tell her just that you appreciate her friendship but the fact of the matter is you're not as close as you used to be. I would not ask her out of guilt.

I will say this though, I don't like to measure my friendships in how often I see someone. I have a very, very dear friend who I don't see nearly often enough. But when I see her, it's like no time at all has passed. I made the mistake of not making her a BM and I regret it whole heartedly. I haven't seen her in months, but that doesn't make her any less of a friend to me.

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Posted by jilliibabii

Honestly, it sounds like you don't want her in your BP. That's fine. I'd tell her just that you appreciate her friendship but the fact of the matter is you're not as close as you used to be. I would not ask her out of guilt.

I will say this though, I don't like to measure my friendships in how often I see someone. I have a very, very dear friend who I don't see nearly often enough. But when I see her, it's like no time at all has passed. I made the mistake of not making her a BM and I regret it whole heartedly. I haven't seen her in months, but that doesn't make her any less of a friend to me.

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I totally understand the not seeing a friend in awhile but still considering them a great friend. one of my bms I probably only see once a month if even that. she is insanely busy though with roller derby, work. my friend I didn't ask has no job so to me it's like what makes her so busy? plus the living only 5 mins away from me. it just makes me feel like I'm the person she talks to when she has nothing better to do lol. and she figured she'd just be a bm even though she makes no real attempts to really talk to me or see me anymore. not that I expect all this stuff from a friend but 3 weeks to say congrats?

when I saw her posting nonsense stuff on fb almost daily but she was too busy to tell me just a congrats? that alone really upset me and basically had changed my mind back then. because originally I had planned to ask her until this past month. and when I told her how I felt last night she suddenly had her internet working properly to be able to leave me like 60 ims.

maybe I'm being too hard about things because maybe she really was busy but anytime I think of her random posts, or pictures of rainbows I'm like she couldn't just text me a congrats while she did any of those things? she obviously had some spare time. I think it would have just made all the difference.

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Posted by Diorprincess

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Posted by jilliibabii

Honestly, it sounds like you don't want her in your BP. That's fine. I'd tell her just that you appreciate her friendship but the fact of the matter is you're not as close as you used to be. I would not ask her out of guilt.

I will say this though, I don't like to measure my friendships in how often I see someone. I have a very, very dear friend who I don't see nearly often enough. But when I see her, it's like no time at all has passed. I made the mistake of not making her a BM and I regret it whole heartedly. I haven't seen her in months, but that doesn't make her any less of a friend to me.

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I totally understand the not seeing a friend in awhile but still considering them a great friend. one of my bms I probably only see once a month if even that. she is insanely busy though with roller derby, work. my friend I didn't ask has no job so to me it's like what makes her so busy? plus the living only 5 mins away from me. it just makes me feel like I'm the person she talks to when she has nothing better to do lol. and she figured she'd just be a bm even though she makes no real attempts to really talk to me or see me anymore. not that I expect all this stuff from a friend but 3 weeks to say congrats?

when I saw her posting nonsense stuff on fb almost daily but she was too busy to tell me just a congrats? that alone really upset me and basically had changed my mind back then. because originally I had planned to ask her until this past month. and when I told her how I felt last night she suddenly had her internet working properly to be able to leave me like 60 ims.

maybe I'm being too hard about things because maybe she really was busy but anytime I think of her random posts, or pictures of rainbows I'm like she couldn't just text me a congrats while she did any of those things? she obviously had some spare time. I think it would have just made all the difference.

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I agree that you don't have to see someone all the time to consider them one of your best friends, BUT either someone is one of your best friends or they aren't. It sounds like you don't trust this girl and you have doubted her friendship more then once over the past couple years. It is nice to acknowledge that you used to be really close, but I don't think you are required to ask someone to be in your bridal party just because you used to be close with them. You have to ask who you are close with right now and who you know and trust will be there for you on your special day. She should understand that. You can try to just nicely explain to her that even though you value her friendship a lot you just had to draw the line somewhere, so you just went with girls who you are more recently very close with.

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Posted by youmewe

Its easy to be unbiased but I think only you can decide...its how you measure the friendship and the importance of a bm...for me I don't get the whole bm thing...not having one friend its all family for us..so its hard because we all measure things differently..but you have to try and do what make you happy

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this. do what makes you happy!

WOW DEJA VU! Im going through this lol!!! Almost the same, except my MOH did nothing. I just demoted her from being in the bridal party and now she 'wont be my friend' unless shes my MOH. Too bad! Its your wedding, your money, so you choose who you want and explain to her its a budget thing- its too expensive to have everyone u know a bm. And come on, a true friend is happy for you whether theyre a bridesmaid or not. You pick who you want and is TRULY happy for you and wants to help and celebrate this special time in your life. I cant believe some people make such a fuss about being a bridesmaid, like its some high school popularity nonsense.

My friend did the same too...not too busy to be posting on facebook but 'too busy' to get back to me if she was going to show for my wedding... so i TOTALLY know how your feeling. Hope that makes u feel better and your not the only one with flakey friends! Trust your gut!! I wish i did. Lots of luck hun I know its a really tough decision. xoxo

I agree that you shouldn't measure friendships based on the amount of time you see someone, but I also believe it works the other way - that someone doesn't have to be your BM just because you've known them a long time.

I've known one of my best friends since high school. We don't talk nearly enough, but we're still close. She didn't ask me to be her BM when she got married and she asked someone she met in college to be her BM. The rest was family. The girl she met in college introduced her to her husband. There's a million reasons why people ask people to be BMs, but the bottom line is that it's your wedding and you need to be happy. Don't include someone only out of guilt because you'll resent it years later when you're thinking back on your wedding day and looking at your wedding pics.

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Posted by Lauren579

WOW DEJA VU! Im going through this lol!!! Almost the same, except my MOH did nothing. I just demoted her from being in the bridal party and now she 'wont be my friend' unless shes my MOH. Too bad! Its your wedding, your money, so you choose who you want and explain to her its a budget thing- its too expensive to have everyone u know a bm. And come on, a true friend is happy for you whether theyre a bridesmaid or not. You pick who you want and is TRULY happy for you and wants to help and celebrate this special time in your life. I cant believe some people make such a fuss about being a bridesmaid, like its some high school popularity nonsense.

My friend did the same too...not too busy to be posting on facebook but 'too busy' to get back to me if she was going to show for my wedding... so i TOTALLY know how your feeling. Hope that makes u feel better and your not the only one with flakey friends! Trust your gut!! I wish i did. Lots of luck hun I know its a really tough decision. xoxo

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I feel so much better now reading all this stuff. I can't even blame the budget thing because she knows my mom inherited all this money recently and she got me a brand new car lol. so she'd be like come on your mom is probably helping. which is true in a way she is paying for the wedding but she is NOT paying for gifts for my girls. that's all on me. my mom offered to pay for my 2 cousins since they are family but 4 girls paying on my own is a lot when I'm just freelancing for work right now which isn't steady money everyday.

she also claimed to be too busy years ago when she was hanging with my ex behind my back so that's probably another reason I just don't truly believe her. because if she wasn't really busy back then and just lying who is to say she isn't lying again now? and seeing what other people posted I think it just must show how I must not really trust her. but I mean all of this is her own doing basically because I never did anything to her. I didn't even care if she hung with my ex because we were all friends and I don't think they hooked up. but the fact she kept calling me crazy/paranoid, and getting mad at me for asking her about it bothered me a lot. I mean she legit had me thinking I was going crazy lol. that my intuition was messed up and I was a paranoid big mess. and she claimed afterwards how it was to help get us back together but I had already started seeing someone else so that doesn't make sense. even if it was innocent lying is never a good idea with something like that.

I also hate how everyone acts like a bridal party is a popularity contest! my moh is one of my best friends in the world that I don't see all the time esp with her moving to massapequa (not that it's really far lol) I still see her at least a couple of times a month and we text all the time. besides that she's the one I've always gone on vacation with, who I tell everything to. who has been there through all the years and maybe I didn't meet her at 5 lol.

I mean I picked my girls based on how close I feel to them now in my life. all our inside jokes we have, all these things we laugh and joke about, our memories. when someone disappears for like 5 years only jumping in twice or three times a year I don't get how they can still be considered such a best close friend. a few ims at 1 am once in awhile don't count lol. I will always consider her a friend though.

all my bridesmaids when we had our dinner we had funny jokes about things we've done, my exs(they kept bringing them up!) and future wedding stuff. even my girl who had lived in Aruba for school kept in touch with me almost every single day through text/ims. she moved back just in time :) but she kept in touch more and she was actually far away! the only real memories I have with her I can't even remember because it was that long ago! I know one of my bms was like when you put us in order I want to be like #2 or #2 I don't want to be last because to her that means like I like he the least? no idea where people get this stuff from!

anyway after all this I don't even know what she wants like does she really want me to ask her to be a bm out of pity? I didn't even think she'd care until she got all upset and started yelling at me. even a few days before I asked my girls I tried talking to her and she kept saying her internet wasn't working work so she couldn't look at photographers. like how does your internet not work right? maybe I just don't know about computers but I never heard of that happening. maybe a comp being slow but that's it. even my dad who loves everyone was like you can't have everyone in your bridal party somewhere the line has to be drawn. he was like people drift apart and you might still be friends but you aren't best friends anymore. I'd want to take blame on myself but I ask her to hang out all the time and she always has an excuse.

even the engagement party she was going on and on about my mom's friend being there (they hate each other) she kept saying how she hoped she wouldn't start a fight. I can't imagine my mom's 52 year old friend attacking this young 25 year old? just out of sheer hate. anyway she just went on and on about that, and how she hoped people were nice to her. not for one second asking me about anything involving the actual party or if we needed help or what did I have planned. just her drama and nonsense. I finally was like it's our engagement party it's about US not you and other people. as much as people don't like her I can't see anyone attacking her or getting crazy with her at our engagement party lol. it's probably just her way of finding an excuse not to come.