bridesmaid problem.. need help ASAP!!!

I am getting married this week and am having an issue with a bridesmaid that is causing massive amounts of unnecessary stress.
This is a friend from grad school who had a wedding out of the country followed by a second reception that was out of state. Aside from attending both as a bridesmaid, I also threw her bachelorette party with one other girl. All in all, I ended up spending close to $7,000 in total for travel, gifts and other wedding expenses including Vera Wang dresses. Her wedding was two years ago.
I got engaged 2 1/2 years ago, and had expected her to play (some) role in my wedding. She was asked to be a bridesmaid at that time.
During the couse of my wedding planning, she has been completely un-reachable and uninvolved. This friend told me that she would be attending my engagment party and then cancelled the week before saying that her husband 'had a friend from work who was getting married'. Very shady, considering that she initially said she was coming. She did not attend my bridal shower stating that she had to work. She also did not attend my bachelorette part or take any part in the planning. The bachelorette party was an entire weekend event and she said she could attend at least one day and then never responded to the evite (although i sent it twice, saw that she read it ,and spoke to her about attending).
In addituon to her lack of participation, she has also caused problems with her bridesmaid dresses. I have to say that I thought i was the most easy-going bride around. I told the girls that I wanted dresses by a particular (affordable) designer in a specific color and told them to each pick their dress based on what they felt the most comfortable in. I told them they did not have to pay for hair and makeup and that they could wear whatever shoes they wanted. I would take care of picking up the dresses (since it was in eastern long island and they all live west). I did not even make her come to pick out the dress with me. This girl called her dress style in and told me later - weeks after the deadline set by the dress shop.
Needless to say the dress shop did a great job and got the dresses in 6 weeks ago. I called the girls that day and all had picked them up within one week. This bridesmaid did not even pick up her dress yet and the wedding is ONE WEEK AWAY! (she also needs massive alterations since she is 4'10')
At tis point, I feel completely let down and upset. She now wants to send her husband to pick up the dress 'sometime sunday'. I have absolutely no plans to sit around the weekend before my wedding, waiting for him to pick up her dress. In reality, i think that having her as part of my bridal party is just going to get me more angry. I feel like i will always look at the pictures and regret having her there almost as 'a placeholder'.
What do u girls think i should do... grin and bear it, or nicely 'boot her out'.
Sorry for the long post. Please help!!!

I am angry for you.

I would tell her to not even bother sending her husband to pick up the dress and that she is relieved of all BM responsibilities. As far as the money she lost on the dress, I would tell her thats cheap compared to the money shelled out for her wedding.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you don't plan on having her in your future, I would simply tell her not to bother sending her husband for the dress. People like her should just be left alone, and you should surround yourself with the people that love and care for you. She sounds beyond selfish and rude. I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with someone like this so close to your wedding. No matter what you do, just forget her. Don't let her get you down! Let her look sorry and pathetic, because everyone will see it.

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Posted by allegracristina

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you don't plan on having her in your future, I would simply tell her not to bother sending her husband for the dress. People like her should just be left alone, and you should surround yourself with the people that love and care for you. She sounds beyond selfish and rude. I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with someone like this so close to your wedding. No matter what you do, just forget her. Don't let her get you down! Let her look sorry and pathetic, because everyone will see it.

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ita fellow night owl!!!!

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Posted by allegracristina

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you don't plan on having her in your future, I would simply tell her not to bother sending her husband for the dress. People like her should just be left alone, and you should surround yourself with the people that love and care for you. She sounds beyond selfish and rude. I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with someone like this so close to your wedding. No matter what you do, just forget her. Don't let her get you down! Let her look sorry and pathetic, because everyone will see it.

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ita!!!!

how dissapointing and annoying. Have you talked to her about how she's let you down throughout the process? I don't know how open your relationship is, that's why I'm asking.

This should NOT be what you're doing a week before your wedding. I would just tell her clearly this is not something she's prioritizing and with that being said, perhaps it's better than she not take part in the wedding.

I'm so done-zo with this person and I don't even know her haha. Good luck to you and please focus on YOU instead of her!!!

Im sorry to say this this way, but she is telling you without words that she doesnt want to be a part of your day. Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. Trust her actions and her actions are SCREAMING that she doesnt want to be a part of your day or anything that has to do with it. I would just ask her to not be a part of the day because shes made it so clear that she doesnt want to be and thats just not fair to you.

Especially so close to your wedding to be feeling this, it TRULY sux =/ sorry hun, just make the bst of the situation and ALWAYS remember the wedding day is about you and your husband! =) Just be happy and enjoy YOUR wedding. Its YOUR day! =)) Dont let ANYONE take take that away from you. =))

best of luck to you and congrats.

So sorry to hear this. 1. you are the bride. anything you do to make yourself feel more comfortable the day of is justified. therefore kick her out of the team. 2. what she did to you is beyond outrageous. you have every reason to kick her out. she has several cancellaitons and noshows. what if she cancelled on your wedding?! 3. she seems like she doesn't care enough about your relationship...why should you?
sorry to hear what you have done for her.... the least you can do now is not to let her bother you and your big day any more

Thanks for all the advice girls.
Here is a little update. Since this posting I have spoken to this girl. She cried to me that her 'schedule is so difficult that she does not even see her family/husband'. I stated that I completely understand, since we work the same job and hours. However, duing this time i have had to plan my wedding and chase after delinquent bridesmaids. I told her point blank that I wanted to have her step down as a bridesmaid but would love for her to attend the wedding anyway. I told her I would reimburse her for the dress as well because I plan to have a family memebr fill in. She stated she was losing cell phone reception and would call me the next day. Guess what? She didnt call the following day. I got a call an hour ago from her stating that she wants to 'hang out and help' tomorrow. She said that she is available in the afternoon. I told her tomorrow was a bad day since I will be in and out all day with variuos appointments and random errands. It is TWO DAYS before my wedding. She says that she doesnt care and I could 'drag her around' all day.
I think I have been blunt enough that it is too little, too late. What do I do now? I feel guilty moving on and having a replacement - which is the easiest thing for me (and I have told her that) because she will probably throw that in my face stating that she tried to come help me but I turned her down. Thing is... im pretty through with her. Does it make me a horrible person to replace her 2 days before (with a very willing and eager, more helpful person)? UGGGGHHH I get nauseaous thinking about this.

I dont think you should feel guilty. Did she feel guilty all those times she bailed on you? Like you said its too little too late and it almost seems like shes trying now to make herself look good and to justify saying 'see I tried it was her not me' and thats BS!

Do what is going to make you most comfortable, trust me when I say the LAST THING you want the day of is another worry or stress or something you make you nervous, you have enough going on that day. You should be surrounded by people that love you and are looking our for your best interest and its clear this girl isnt. Shes only worried about herself... =/

Im sorry again that your going through this but remember your getting married in a few days!!! ITS ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AND THATS IT!!!!!!!!!! CELEBRATE! ENJOY! And most of all DONT LET ANYONE take that away from you!

BEST OF LUCK!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by 2009Bride2Be

Im sorry to say this this way, but she is telling you without words that she doesnt want to be a part of your day. Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. Trust her actions and her actions are SCREAMING that she doesnt want to be a part of your day or anything that has to do with it. I would just ask her to not be a part of the day because shes made it so clear that she doesnt want to be and thats just not fair to you.

Especially so close to your wedding to be feeling this, it TRULY sux =/ sorry hun, just make the bst of the situation and ALWAYS remember the wedding day is about you and your husband! =) Just be happy and enjoy YOUR wedding. Its YOUR day! =)) Dont let ANYONE take take that away from you. =))

best of luck to you and congrats.

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Agreed.

One of my BMs became totally absent from my life just before the wedding. It was because she had personal issues and could not handle seeing someone in a happy relationship. She didn't come to my shower, threw a fit because she had to help out at my engagement party and claimed I never thanked her (another BM was in the room with us when I did and confirmed I did), and ruined my bachelorette party because she got too drunk pre-gaming (alone) and we didn't even make it through dinner before we had to take her to the hospital. She also waited forever to get her dress and got it so late she never got it altered. She was lucky because it generally fit her, but it was a couple inches too long compared to everyone else. After the wedding I tried to be there for her during her rough time and she basically said I didn't know her, I was not her friend, and we haven't spoken since.

Sometimes when we want something to be perfect we ignore the signs and try to think the best, but at the end of the day some people are not worth it. It stinks that she caused you a lot of financial strain for her wedding, but if she can't be bothered to be there for you, again it's not worth it.

Do not let her guilt trip you, she has done nothing but put stress on you and this is her way of trying to make herself feel better for being a horrible friend. If she comes to the wedding, fine, if she doesn't, fine. After that, I wouldn't bother with her anymore. She clearly doesn't value you your friendship otherwise she wouldn't be like this. I'm definitely better off without my BM, at times I miss her, but my life is much less stressful and drama free. No more dead weight.

I had a bridesmaid who was from DC who came in the day before. Everything seemed great until the next morning when we were getting our hair done for the wedding. she told me that she had to leave at 9pm to catch a flight...the reception started at 8pm!!! I was so mad. She was starting her residency the next morning in DC. I understand that, she should have told me that she couldnt be in my wedding. While at the hair salon she leaves before getting her hair done and goes back to my house to do her own hair, because she 'didnt like the way the other girls hair came out.' WHO WAS THIS GIRL?? She was so different. She has been my close friend forever. I tried to be positive because it was the day of. At the reception and after the bridal party dance i told her she can go now...and she left. Not only that but she just seemed miserable and was rude to the other bridesmaids. She has met all of them before and has gotten along with them fine. She never called me after the wedding. I ended up calling her months after....she's busy

Anyway the moral of my story is that everytime i see my wedding pictures I wish that i didnt have her in my wedding. I had other cousins that deserved it more than her. I just thought that she was one of my besties...so if you have the opportunity to get rid of her as a bridesmaid and replace her...I would do it.