Brides Helping Brides ™ - Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Brendanzgirl Posted: Nov 21, 2008 11:45 PM

Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

The situation is complicated, I have 3 girls in my BP: my sis, his sis and his cousin.

I wanted to invite my best friends but felt wierd not inviting all of my friends so initially i chose to have a 'family' only BP.

All was well until a few months ago since i've been trying to get my girls to give some imput about the dresses. his sis, although very sweet, does not seem to care much about being in the BP. She's just indifferent to everything. It makes me feel stupid for not having one of my best friends in her place. I tried to discuss it with one of my friends and told her i wished she was in it, she didn't say anything about wanting to be in the BP.
Now I feel dumb asking b/c all my friends already know that i've said i want a small BP/family only...

I just want my BP to be filled with people who truely want to be there for me.

I am so upset, and my fiance always gets offended whenever i mention this. I tell him its nothing personal against his is, but we just dont know eachother that well and i want ppl in the BP who care about being in it.

any words of wisdom?

bubberflys Posted: Nov 21, 2008 11:52 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

It's your wedding and you will only have one chance to get it the way you want to remember it. If you want friends in it then I would ask them. They will understand you changed your mind, after all they are your friends and that is what people do!!! My bridal party became rather large pretty quickly b/c I wanted to share the day with them.

Looking at the date of your wedding, if you don't think It's too late, just ask your friends to join your bridal party. As for the sister in-law, maybe you can ask her if she really wants to be in the bridal party and tell her that it is up to her. If she stays, and you ask your friends you may be a bit happier because they can (not to sound mean) drown her out. Focus on them and let them help you pick dresses and such

hope this helps

BoxOfRocks Posted: Nov 22, 2008 01:24 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

If you want to ask your friend to be in the party, by all means, ask her.

But based on your description of you FSIL, there is no reason to kick her out. I think kicking out a BM should be reserved for only the most extreme cases, like she got in a physical altercation with you or something like that.

We are the ones who are going to be most interested in our own weddings. I don't think it's fair to hold someone else to the same standard.

If I were your FH, I too would be offended if my sister were going to be kicked out for no substantive reason. Please remember that you're going to be related to this woman for the rest of your life and kicking her out will create an awkward situation.

I think you should ask your friend, keep your FSIL, and just have uneven sides (if they were even before).

GL!

debzy Posted: Nov 22, 2008 08:21 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

You can ADD your friends. You canNOT ask his sister not to be in your BP. Uninviting her (even though she does not seem interested) will offend her - making a lifelong enemy you do not need.

Jennmolloy Posted: Nov 22, 2008 08:27 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

the one thing that I think you need to remember is that your FSIL will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Causing drama with her before you are even married is a silly thing to do.

I say go ahead and ask your friend and explain to her that you originaly wanted a small party but you realized that you want her by your side on this very special day.

GL

egem523 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 09:50 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Have you friend don't worry if your BP will be uneven I have 1 Moh 2 Bm and about 6 GM. It's going to be ok. I would definately ask your friend and keep his sister.

dutchessev Posted: Nov 22, 2008 10:09 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I think it is never too late to ask the other girl to be in your bridal party. They are your friends and will want to be a part of your day.
However, I don't think you can ask his sister not to be in the wedding. If she drops out that is one thing but you really can't ask her now not to be in your wedding. You don't want to start off on a wrong foot with his family because at this point you will offend his sister, his mom and everybody else in his family who thinks it's their business.
Family always looks for drama.

I personally would not do it. Just ask your friends to be in it and enjoy your day.

lizzie217 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 10:15 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Your wedding is next August which is plenty of time to add your friends I am sure they will flattered if you tell them what you told us like 'I thought I wanted just family but through the process I realized it was important to have myh friends involved bc I wanted to share this with you'

HTH

KSquared Posted: Nov 22, 2008 10:22 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

The fact that your FH is offended by you even bringing this up is your answer. You will most likely start uneccessary huge drama if you ask her to drop it. She's not doing anything to ruin it for you, not everyone reacts the same way to things. In my opinion you just need to get over these feelings because it's not worth it at all. This is your family now too - would you do that to your own sister?

You can definitly still ask your friend to be in the BP. If you feel you need more support, then ask her.

MnM182008 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 10:34 AM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Its ok to ask another girl to join the bridal party but you cannot ask his sister to drop out, that is family. Not to mention you will create a life long problem for yourself. She may not be really interested in every detail of your wedding but I am sure she loves her brother and wants to be in the bridal party. I wouldn't ask her to leave, that is me though, I think its easier to overlook little stuff and move forward. If you want your friend in the bp just ask her.

Shelleybean11 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 12:15 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I think you should add whomever you like but you should really think twice about kicking your FSIL out.... She may not seem excited about the wedding but it will hurt your FH if you do.

nessa09 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 12:37 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I totally agree with a lot of the other posts. don't kick out his sister. maybe its not that she is indifferent, maybe its just that she really doesn't mind what dress she is in and therefore whatever the other girls suggest is fine. I've been known to be the type to say 'I really don't know, whatever you want', and its not because I'm disinterested, its just because I want the other person to be happy and have no preference

erika99 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 02:30 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I don't think you should ask her to drop out. That's just gonna start some major dramallama between you and his family.

I think you should ask your friends to join. There's nothing wrong with asking now. If they're really your friends they will be honored to be in it. You should have people in your BP that care about you. Besides, you've got plenty of time for dresses to come in

Maria31 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 02:33 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

You cannot kick his sister out of your wedding!! If you want to invite your friends to be in your BP, then do that... Seriously consider it a blessing that your FSIL is not walking around like BMzilla demanding what SHE wants on YOUR wedding day.. I've heard stories at the other side of the spectrum. This is your FH's sister! How do you think it would make him feel if you kicked his sister out of his wedding?! I just don't think it's appropriate at all, but that is JMO.

xosweetiexo Posted: Nov 22, 2008 02:50 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Since you already asked her, it would cause TOO MUCH drama if you asked her to drop out. Why cant you just add on another bridesmaid? Dont worry about having uneven numbers.... a lot of people do.... I have 5 girls and there are only 4 groomsmen.

Espo22 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 03:17 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I would not ask your FSIL to drop out. It will cause ALOT of drama and you can obviously see that now bc when you bring it up to your fh, he already gets upset about it. So imagine if you kicked her out. I don't think you two should start your new life together and enter into his family by kicking his sister out. Not only will it cause problems with your Fh but with his parents and the rest of his family. You don't want to do that.

If you have a good friend that you feel bad for not asking then just ask her and add her to your bp. You don't have to kick somebody out to add someone.

MrsBtobe2009 Posted: Nov 22, 2008 04:36 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I feel that it is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. This passed week I BRAWLED and I mean really MOH. We no longer speak. I am pretty sure we never will again. We both said very very hurtful things. I was supposed to be the godmother to her baby which obviously I no longer am, and the christening is next month. I wanted to ask my friend from high school who I have always been very close to but never asked because she has two kids. I wouldnt ask her to be my MOH but I was thinking of asking her to be a BM but I didnt want to do anything drastic until the smoke clears from all this drama. I am in a similar situation because I wasnt sure if asking now is too late since I technically already have my BP.....Aside from my MOH, two of my BMs are both of our friends, so I was waiting to see if they were going to back out because of the awkwardness of the situation...... If that is the case then I am down to 2 BMs so I wanted to wait to ask to see if I would ask another friend who I am also close to and have been for 20 years just didnt ask because I know how busy her schedule is with work.

I say talk to your FH about it and explain it to him and then I would have him ask her about it to see if she definitely wants to be a part of it. This way if he mentions it it doesnt cause major drama with you and her and he can just ask her if she definitely wants to be involved and that he wouldnt be insulted if she didnt. My ex MOH had her SIL in her bridal party and they dont speak and it was very very awkward and still is.

Sorry so long and that I vented too......Good Luck and definitely let me know what you are going to do.

Brendanzgirl Posted: Nov 23, 2008 08:23 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

Thanks ladies, now after thinking about it,and reading the replies it seems obvious that 'of course' i wont ask her to drop out.
I have 3 best friends though and feel stupid asking them at this point but i think i will anyway b/c i want them to be in it.
I'll let u know what happens.

FutureMrsG Posted: Nov 23, 2008 10:44 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

I am in a similar situation...I have simply accepted the fact that my FSILS are not interested in my wedding (one of them actually told me her role is to show up ). I have a good friend who I would have liked to include in the bridal party but did not b/c of the family only thing and although she is not officially a BM she has heped me with a lot of important things for the wedding. She understands the situation and there are no hard feelings. You could talk to you friend and have her be involved without actually being in the wedding party.

JSG10506 Posted: Nov 23, 2008 11:23 PM

Re: Can i ask a bridesmaid to drop out?

If you want to add her, I say go for it, you still have time. When it comes to kick out your FSIL I would say not to do that unless something extreme and insane happens with her because more than anything kicking her out may cause an issue between you & your inlaws.