Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

missK Posted: Jun 12, 2007 11:42 PM

Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

Even before I was engaged I had picked my bridal party out.Then when it happened I re-thought who I would ask based on who is really in my life now. My MOH has been with me thru thick and thin. 2 things happened this week. One BM asked me who was who in the bridal party and when I told her she was a BM not the MOH she looked so disappointed. I dont know why she would assume that she would be the MOH when we have had an on again off again relationship. I didnt know what to say so I just left it at that. Then my cousin who is close to me but not as big a part of my life straight out asks me why I didnt ask her to be a BM. I told her that I wanted to have my close friends and keep it at 4 + Flowergirl because FH has a few friends and he would have 4 plus a ring bearer.
My cousin says if you were asking good friends what about X and Y. My answer to that is while they are good friends (one I know 20+yrs) they live out of state and If I asked they probably would say yes. I just think its unfair to them to have to spend $$ and time running around for me when they will be sharing my day as a guest with no responsibilities. Now I feel like a bad person because I didnt think that she would expect to be asked to participate. Cuz tells me that I should call X and Y and tell them they are not in the party because they are probably wondering like her why I havent asked yet. I asked my FSIL and not either one of them. I dont want to hurt their feelings. Now I am stuck If I ask them then I am uneven numbered,cousin will be hurt and FH will have to find fillers and that is just not right either. I cant do that. Am I a bad person I almost wish I had just one person in my bridal party shes the only one whos actively interested.

bemyyoko Posted: Jun 12, 2007 11:53 PM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

I'm sorry hun. This is not a fun situation for you to be in.
One major thing I can tell you is this...
You and FH do not need to have the same # of people in your BP. It can be uneven without a problem. He wouldnt need to find fillers.

If you want to ask your OOT friends to be BM's do it! Let them decide if they live too far away. Talk to them about it and explain that you would love for them to participate but that you'd also be 100% fine if they decided to just come as guests.

As far as your cousin goes... She really had no right to put you on the spot like that. I wish i had some advice for that but unfortunately what's done is done. If you want her to be a BM and you ask her now, she may be offended and decline. If you ask your two OOT friends and not her she might be even more upset.

I'm sorry, this situation *****.

missK Posted: Jun 13, 2007 12:05 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

Thanks. I was unecessarily put on the spot while I am glad she spoke up to what was bothering her, I thought it was unfair to consiously or unconsiously do that to me. Exactly why I didnt ask her to take a part Otherwise there may be another Zilla show..... Bridesmaid-zilla.

bemyyoko Posted: Jun 13, 2007 12:21 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

Posted by missK

Thanks. I was unecessarily put on the spot while I am glad she spoke up to what was bothering her, I thought it was unfair to consiously or unconsiously do that to me. Exactly why I didnt ask her to take a part Otherwise there may be another Zilla show..... Bridesmaid-zilla.

I have a cousin like that! And that's why didnt ask her. lol

Luvbsb4eva Posted: Jun 13, 2007 01:15 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I don't think it was right of your cousin to do that at all... it's your wedding and your bridal party, and you should pick who you want in it! And you shouldn't have to explain to others why they aren't in it! I think you should go with what you originally planned... you obviously picked the people most important to you now, and that's the way it should be!

But just in case you do decide to include the others from OOT... most of my BP is from OOT and they all seem fine with the fact that they have to travel and all... so if you were ever worried about that, I know my BP has been great, and they are all so excited for the wedding and to be coming to NY!

Hang in there!

MrsD71208 Posted: Jun 13, 2007 06:40 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with good friends that live out of the state. They are married and looking to start families soon. I do not want to burden them with the expenses of traveling here, finding a place to stay, paying for their gown and stuff and then a present. I'd rather, like you, invite them as guests so they can sit back and relax. Listen, those who give a hard time really aren't all that great of friends...that's how I look at it.

dream426 Posted: Jun 13, 2007 07:15 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

I am sorry you have to go through this. But it is your wedding and you have your reasons for picking your BM. Everyone should understand this ad not make you feel guilty. It is your wedding and you should have fun planning it instead of feeling guilty. You shouldn't have to explain yourself but thats how girls are. :) We like drama some of us. Hope it all works out for you.

loislane Posted: Jun 13, 2007 09:16 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

It's hard to be put on the spot. It really hard to ask people and have to leave out people. I mean it's your wedding and it's totally up to you so don't let anyone make that choice for you. I am supposed to be in a wedding out of state and I don't mind any traveling expenses because I love this girl as if she was my own sister. It is way more of a hassle for her to try to get me involved in any of her planing etc. and I feel really bad about that. I love her so much for going out of her way and it really is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. A true friend will travel for a wedding and a true friend will understand if you can't ask them. Whatever you decide to what is best for you and your fh. It's your day and don't let anyone dictate it.

TommysWife08 Posted: Jun 13, 2007 09:25 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

honestly, you do what makes you and FH happy!! i had a silular BM issue and did what made us happy (even tho it didnt make this particular girl happy) but you cant please EVERYONE!

dont worry - things will work out!!

SoVic08 Posted: Jun 13, 2007 09:55 AM

Re: Catch 22- Need BM advice ( long)

Posted by missK

Even before I was engaged I had picked my bridal party out.Then when it happened I re-thought who I would ask based on who is really in my life now. My MOH has been with me thru thick and thin. 2 things happened this week. One BM asked me who was who in the bridal party and when I told her she was a BM not the MOH she looked so disappointed. I dont know why she would assume that she would be the MOH when we have had an on again off again relationship. I didnt know what to say so I just left it at that. Then my cousin who is close to me but not as big a part of my life straight out asks me why I didnt ask her to be a BM. I told her that I wanted to have my close friends and keep it at 4 + Flowergirl because FH has a few friends and he would have 4 plus a ring bearer.
My cousin says if you were asking good friends what about X and Y. My answer to that is while they are good friends (one I know 20+yrs) they live out of state and If I asked they probably would say yes. I just think its unfair to them to have to spend $$ and time running around for me when they will be sharing my day as a guest with no responsibilities. Now I feel like a bad person because I didnt think that she would expect to be asked to participate. Cuz tells me that I should call X and Y and tell them they are not in the party because they are probably wondering like her why I havent asked yet. I asked my FSIL and not either one of them. I dont want to hurt their feelings. Now I am stuck If I ask them then I am uneven numbered,cousin will be hurt and FH will have to find fillers and that is just not right either. I cant do that. Am I a bad person I almost wish I had just one person in my bridal party shes the only one whos actively interested.

I say you should absolutley NOT call to tell anyone they are not in the bridal party. If they never get asked they will obviously realize it. Don't stress out over this, you have who you want and who is MOST important to you and who is the most supportive and in you day to day life. This is your day, don't let anyone (cousin or not) make you feel guilty. Why don't you have the people you didn't ask do other things for you? Readings and so on. This is JMO.