Chicas: JOTD for TGIF!!!!!!!!!
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Application To Date My Daughter
REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______
If NO, explain: _______________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does 'Late' mean to you? _________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does 'DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? _________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? _________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
C. A women's place is in the __________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to 'E' begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
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A Day At The Fair
Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, 'Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane.'
And every year, Ethel would say, 'I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.'
One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, 'Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance.'
'Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars,' Ethel replied.
The pilot happened to overhear them and said, 'Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars.'
Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, 'Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word.'
'Well,' Fred replied, 'I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Argument Rules
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word.
Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
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Always By My Side
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'
'What dear?' She asked gently.
'I think you bring me bad luck.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Compare The Genders
NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of 'Love, American Style.'
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$1000 Competition
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ' I'd like to try the bet'
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man 'what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?'
The scrawny little man replied 'I work for the IRS.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mouse Tattoo
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.
The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, 'Well, I have a tattoo, too!'
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, 'I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?'
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, 'What's wrong, sweet lady?'
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, 'Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My pussy must have eaten it.'
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Hope U like them!!!
