Children and Discipline...

I didnt want to hog up Claud's toddler post on this subject, but I thought it would be interesting to discuss what we read and hear about discplining children, and what we believe ourselves...

As parents, we will always try our best to raise respectful, considerate children.. Sometime's it's very hard to know if what you're doing is the 'right' thing.

A few weeks ago, I was shopping and a family was at the store and I couldnt believe the discussion...
The daughter was about 12-13.

MOM: 'Are you sure you want that cooler? Isnt this the last week of camp?'
GIRL:'Well, yes, but I really want it'
MOM:'Well do you WANT it or NEED it? Because if you NEED it, then im going to have to buy it. but if you WANT it, then it will come out of YOUR allowance... and you didnt tell me till now that you had a problem with shortness of breath, because if thats the case, then you do NEED it, and I will have to buy it for you, but do you really NEED it or are you just saying this?'
GIRL:(whining) 'I NEEEDDD ITTTTT'
DAD:'No you dont, put it down, lets go'
(Love those no-nonsense dads )

and this RIDICULOUS DISCUSSION WENT ON AND ON for about 15-20 minutes!!!!!!!

I was so sick of hearing them. I wanted to throw the cooler pack across the store, and smack the girl over the head to knock some respect into her.
At what point do the adults make the decisions???
I was NOT making all these decisions at 12 years old. There was no lengthy discussion on whether I would be getting a cooler for camp because I wanted one, but made up an excuse to say I NEEDED one... What is this world coming to ???
It sounded like this mom was reading WAY too many parenting books, and this girl had her mom wrapped around her little finger...

Dad wasnt having it, but mom bought the cooler..

What does everyone think about that story?
Is it just me?

Nahhh.... it's not just you. And I agree. Children have too much power of choice these days, at the parents expense. I see it all the time.

Last week while having dinner out, a child I was with (7 years old) wanted an appetizer sampler platter AND a steak (which was not on the kids menu) for herself, and after MUCH carrying on, got her way. How much did she eat?? About 4 bites total. If that were my child I would have said we would share the appetizer, and she could pick something off the children's menu for dinner. Case closed.

I see this at work as well. I am very specific that snack time is limited, and the children have time for 1 snack and a drink. Parents pack 3 or 4 snacks (chips, cookies, fruit snacks, pudding ~ nothing HEALTHY) so the child can decide what he/she wants at snack time. I then have to be the bad guy, and tell the child PICK ONE, and then the tears start. 'But my mom WANTS me to have it allllllll!!!!!!!' It happens ALL the time!
Why can't mom or dad say the night before or in the morning 'I'm getting your lunch together for school... what do you want for a snack?', and let the child pick it then?? The WORST is on trips, because the children can't carry things with them and actively participate on the trip, so whatever doesn't get eaten goes in the garbage. You couldn't even begin to imagine how much food gets wasted!!!

ANYWAY ~ (that was a he// of an tangent, wasn't it?? ) when my lima bean is old enough, he/she will be given choices (and teaching kindergarten, I have found that 2 choices are best... 'do you want A or B' is pretty much all a young child can handle) at times that lend themselves to it, and at other times will be told what to do ~ CASE CLOSED!

I agree, but I think alot it is the parents fault who allow the children to have the control and walk all over them. The parents need to let their kids who is the boss.
Jenn..I agree with limiting them choices. Whne you give them more than that it gets out of control.

Jenn - I have seen the restaurant disaster myself, and it's hysterical sometimes the way these parents act - forget the kids!

On a little tangent - I saw a family of 5 in the diner for breakfast. One little girl and two boys. The little girl walked in very happy-go-lucky, but her evil parents brought this poor child to tears over a darn menu item. She wanted pancakes and her parents incessantly berated her choice and muttered things to her about calories, fat, etc. They even humiliated in front of the wait staff, brushing her off as 'a problem child!' I swear, this child was not behaving as horribly as her PARENTS, nor was she old enough to be concerned with fat/calories and she did not have an obvious weight problem!! I just thought it was horrible to force the child to have a yogurt w/berries when her brothers (one of which DID have a weight problem!) chowed on bacon, eggs, ham and potatoes!!! This poor little girl will probably grow up to have an eating disorder of some kind - no doubt!

I am a firm believer in the 'choose A or B' tactic. It is sooo true about a kid not being able to handle more than that.

There are SO many stories I can tell about this subject.

I do believe that some kids these day are treated as adults WAY to early!! I swear the parents are dying to 'impress' people on how smart their child is. When I hear adult conversations & the kids chime in w/ their point of view. THERE'S A PROBLEM!!!! I was never given choices (I was the 5th kid I got what I got & SUPRISE I survived)

I was at a kiddie b-day party where there were these 2 brothers. OMG!!! They both should of been called Damien!!! They were just sneaky & obnoxious!! Everyone was muttering about them. And instead of setting ground rules. The mother just screamed like a lunatic. But, never set any rules. Which I think parents have to do.

A friend of mine said 'Well, they just reminded me to refill my birth control!!'

Claud --
What a great way to teach your child to have an eating disorder!

Tracy I resent the Damien comment

Jenn I totally can relate to the snack thing. At my center we serve lunch so that is no problem, but when we go on trips holy moly do the snacks come flying out I hello we are going to the pumpkin farm not on a trek across the Adirondacks!! I tell them a sandwich,2 drinks and one snack ,no glass bottles, and no lunch boxes. We are the ones who have to lug all this around all day! We end up throwing half of the food away! Sheesh!!

OMG, Claud, that story is SOO SAD !!!!! A child should NOT be concerned or even AWARE of fat and calories! Her mom will be sorry when that girl grows up and (Hopefully doesnt) have an eating disorder!

I really cant see children having so much SAY in what goes on! Jenn, I HATE Stories like the child in the restaurant who orders what they 'Want' and its WAY too much, and it goes to waste. That will NEVER happen, if I can help it.

Someone I know, she's about 10, and acts a bit prissy and spoiled, even in the things she says. Like Tracy said, when kids chime in to adult conversations, THERES A PROBLEM (BIGGGG Pet peeve of mine!!!) Well she hears WAYY too much of what adults say, and makes WAYYY too many comments about society, and salaries, and economic status, that one day, she will learn a lesson the hard way... Well there are a few girls down her block that she has had little fights with. These girls pass by her house, and make faces at her, when they see her in the window. Well this went on for a good half hour once, and I told her to ignore them, and not look out the window anymore.
Well she ignored ME , and responds with...(bigtime LI accent ) 'Ya know whhyyy they dont like me? Ya know whhyy?
Thea just jelluss, cuz they know how good I have it heeeyyaa' I wanted to DIE at what she said!' First of all a child doesnt know 'how good they have it' unless their mother compares them to other children and makes them aware of 'what they have'. (so those are obviously repeated words ) and second, if she says something like that in school, in the next few years, she's going to make QUITE a few enemies! Third, if they live down her block, they cant be THAT far off from the same living situation. Is it just me, or was that comment out of line ??????
She also makes comments like 'My friend Lisa, her family RENTS because they can AFFAWD a house, they cant AFFAWD to own a home, so they RENT'
She should NOT be concerned with this stuff!

As she speaks its WAYY obvious that she's involved in WAYYY too many adult conversations that she shouldnt be....

I had the bare minimum growing up, as far as 'just enough' toys, clothes (hey there were 4 of us!), and PLENTY of love, and I thought we were doing SOO WELLL, and my daddy was our Breadwinner and family champion! We couldnt be happier. I had no idea about brand names, and mortgage vs. rent, and what everyone else had...

Ugh, this topic can really hit a nerve with me..

wow this topic is a hot one for me. I dont know how my mom did it but just a LOOK would freeze us in our tracks. and YES they believed in coporal punishment. I was talking to my brother about this just this weekend and he was spanked qyuite a bit growing up - most of the time cuz he was bratty and spoiled...but it made me mad when he said that he didnt remember half the time WHY he was getting spanked. THAT ticked me off ..my parents SHOULD have explained a bit of WHY he was 'being bad'...and not just punish.
I guess this is the flip side of everyone's dicussion here......

yes, he admits he was spoiled ALOT by my mom and...allowed to sldie on a lot of the rules they had..and now thinks that he would have been a more responsible adult if they had NOT let him off the hook. (How is that for an eye opener!)

btw, kids should NOT be participating in adult conversations.....or making those judgemental statements listed in the earlier post...but she LEARNED it from SOMEONE!

Just my 2 cents..

I worked for a pediatricians office when I was in college, and I remember one night I was working reception, and there was a mother with her 6 year old son sitting in the waiting room. I noticed out of the corner of my eye the mother was trying to stop the child from throwing toys around and all of a sudden I hear SMACK SMACK SMACK. The child was smacking the mother in the face really hard!! My jaw dropped to the floor! What did the mother do? She said to the child 'You know that you hurt Mommy's feelings when you hit her'.

All I can say is it took every bit of my strength not to give this kid a spanking. If I would have done that to my mother, I would have gotten an a$$ beatin! Im sorry, but at 6 years old you know better, he11 even at 2 they know they should not hit.

ANNA!

The parents of the little girl should be ashamed of themselves! That story is AWFUL (no, it's not just you!) I am shocked and appalled!

What are parents thinking?

Interesting topic....

Question for everyone: Are you & your DH on the same page with child rearing methods? I am glad to say that Derek and I are. Of course we havent discussed every scenario out there but we are definitely united which I think is very important. Besides all the different things you all mentioned, I think it's terrible when a child plays one parent against the other. But we are trying to be flexible enough to realize that there's no perfect way to raise your child. I dont completely agree with the attachment parenting method but I also don't agree with the strong discipline method either. It's definitely more of an art than a science. I think we are doing a good job so far.

ETA: I should have said I think it's terrible when parents allow a child to play one parent against the other

I have a friend who has two boys and a NON hands on husband (more of a jerk but that's a whole different story)

He treats her like dirt, and he has taught the boys to do so and she takes it!

They were in McDonald's one day and she was getting them ready to leave. Her oldest son (4yrs old) had one nugget left and a fry. Now they were in a rush and she tells him to take it in his hand so they can go. He lets out a WAIL OF 'GO GET ME KETSUP NOW I WANT TO EAT IT WITH KETSUP RIGHT NOWWWWWWW' and she friggen GOES AND GETS KETSUP

She listens to her kids and does not discipline at all - she lets them run wild. I want to smack those kids in the tooshie or say no or SOMETHING but I won't step in obviously. THey need some MAJOR disciplne!!!!!!!

Stacey-I have a Damien in my family!! I LOVE the name!!! (I couldn't think of any other 'evil' kid character)