Dear _________________

Dear Client,

WHY DO YOU SEND ME STOCK CERTIFICATES THAT ARE DATED 1960 AND EXPECT THEM TO STILL HAVE VALUE!?!?!? Now, I call you back to inform you they have been escheated from the state and you flip on ME? Half of these bonds have matured in 1975 and the remaining ones are valueless?!??!?



shoot me now

dear paychex rep,

thanks for coming to our office with HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

dont you realize that i need to fit into my gown on SATURDAY!!!

all i can say is im glad that theyre bite size

Dear salesman,

Thanks so much for the large chocolate frozen yogurt you just brought me. You must realize that ever since we had that “fight”, I have not been the same with you. So, you are sucking up to me with chocolate…It’s soooo working, I am a sucka for chocolate & this is delish!!!!

Love,

The girl who looks like a 3 yr old with chocolate ALL around her mouth!!!

Dear Director of HR,

I just did evaluations for the staff and your daughter was one of them. I am so sorry for pointing out to you that your daughter doesn't listen, doesn't act professionally, and doesn't understand what she's doing. Thank you for getting angry at me and blowing up at me. And also for telling me that I am the only one who has these comments about your daughter. We are now not friends and you wonder why I stopped telling you things about my wedding and my life.

From,
Your Former Friend

Dear Family I am mediating tonight,

It is raining and I have to drive from Queens to Lynbrook. If I get there you don't show up, I am going to start sending Domino's to your house every night.
And if you DO show up and no one wants to talk, I am egging anf toilet papering your house on Halloween.
Do not waste my time.


Thanks,

Your mediatior.

Dear Time:

COME ON ALREADY!!!!!!!!! Why isn't it even 4 yet???
ughhhhh

Sincerely,

I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS PLACE AND IN MY BED!!!


eta for typo

dear digusting unknown critter,

you have completely ruined the grass in our yard. please STOP chewing, digging, turning our grass upside down and destroying the yard. It does not look pretty and now we may have to plant new grass in the spring. Also, stop being a f'n coward and reveal yourself so we know who you are and if you are a mole or raccoon.

sincerely,
disgruntled homeowner