Difficult mother...vent...

Anyone's mother being difficult?

First she tells me show won't dance with either me or my FH at the wedding (my father's MIA and my mother raised me).

Second she tells me I cannot get ready at home the morning of the wedding. I always dreamed of having our traditional family breakfast before my wedding. I don't live at home and my grandmother and aunt live with her so it will be too much stress for them. So now I have to get ready at a hotel. I am trying let this one go...their needs before my wants.

And tonight she tells me she refuses to be announced at the reception. She doesn't want to be embarrassed to have her announced as my mother and walk in alone.

Grrr!!!! Shouldn't she be proud of her accomplishments? Is she too embarrassed to be known as my mother?

This all might seem trivial but what is she trying to do? I can't take a year of this. We've only been planning for a month.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Unfortunately, weddings seem to bring out all the insecurities and idiosyncracies in people that we never knew existed, especially when it comes to parents. My best advice is to just choose your battles. There are going to be moments of tension and disagreement. Let some go, and fight for the things that are most important to you.

Honestly, I'd let those things go for now. As hurtful as they are, they are not things that need to be worried about right now, and your mom just might be feeling overwhelmed. When I got engaged, my mother cried HYSTERICALLY...not because she was happy, but because it made her feel old Give me a break. People are weird with weddings. My mother did not seem interested at all in my wedding until the last few months. As you get closer and start planning more, you might be surprised at how your mom will change her tune. Good luck!

Since your only planning for a month now dont stress yet. She may come around once she see's how important this day is to you. Involve her in some of the planning and her tune will probably change. Family and Friends can stress anyone out during planning. My FMIL(we're not speaking right now)wouldnt even discuss it and if we started to she would literally get up and walk out of the room as if we weren't. I dont want to even tell you what she pulled this past May at FBIL's wedding My MOH and bestfriend for 10yrs. disappeared and stopped taking my calls once I started planning things. I didnt hear from her in almost 5months until an email a few weeks ago and a phone call last night. So we all go through it but we are all here for you when they start acting up

I am sorry your mother is being so difficult. This is supposed to be the happiest time for you but I totally understand my mother is being a pain also. She acts as if she wants me to elope....We just got engaged on Feb 12th and are planning a wedding for this september so things I think are going a little too fast for her...but fh and I have been together for 9 years.
I hate to say this but I find it easier when I don't talk to my mother...that way she can't upset me.

Totally understand where you're coming from...

When I started this wedding planning.. I asked her if she wanted me to dance with her and then my dad.. since parents have been divorced since I was 1, and I thought it would make her happy... She said no, so I decided to dance with my stepdad instead. (Still honoring my family with my mom and stepdad...) So two dances, both dads.. Ok..
Well, Mommy dearest comes home from work this Tuesday and asks ' Everyone at work keeps asking me if I'm doing a dance with you? Do you think I should?'....

****HELLO?!!! I asked you fifty times, and you didn't want to, and you thought it was nice that I wanted to dance with stepdad....Ofcousre all of this part of the conversation is in my head, and I would never SAY ANYTHING to upset her.... But I'm getting really worn down from keeping my mouth shut! Deep breath..... lol

Boy oh Boy do I truly understand what you are talking about. Rightnow I am going through the best and worst of times of my life at the same time.

The best part is that I am planning a future and a wedding with an incredible man who I share a mutual love and respect with. The worst part is that I have been watching my father die in the hospital for the past 5 months from illnesses he will not recover from.

I try to use my wedding as a positive distraction to help my mom and the rest of my family cope. Every once in a while she will say that she doesn't want to stand under the chuppah (we are Jewish) because she is disabled and needs to sit down. She would rather sit in the front row. Traditionally, the parents of the bride, and the parents of the groom stand with their children under the chuppah. I have seen such cases where a chair is placed for a disabled parent. It is COMPLETELY acceptable. However, mom does not want to be made a spectacle. I would not begrudge FH's parents the opportunity to stand with their son. She should be there with me as I do not want to be under the chuppah alone without either parent of mine.

I decided that we have a long ways to go before that day and that at this point in time, we have a lot more difficult issues at hand. You may wish to just give her the time to decide. You have a ways to go too.

I hope mom understands that I need her there and that nobody will pass judgement if she sits down. Any merciful G-d and/Rabbi would allow for her to be there in a chair.

Isn't it amazing how fast you go from being ecstatic about being engaged to all this BS?

From here on out, you are going to have to pick your battles. You just have to ignore the negative stuff. It's hard, but it's the only way to get through it without being miserable. You'd be surprised at how things work out in the end.

Just let your Mom spout out what she is or is not going to do. When things calm down talk to her and let her know how you feel about each thing, that is most important to you. If she doesn't change her opinion, don't let it ruin things for you.


PS When my Mom was announced she was escorted in by my Brother-in-law.

I thnk you're totally justified to be upset, your mom should bend a LITTLE to make YOUR day special. Can she come to the hotel to help you get dressed? Maybe you can have a family brunch at the hotel?

About being announced...usually when someone walks in withut aspouse they will have SOME escort. Do you have a nbrother or an uncle your mom would feel comfortable walking in with? Or maybe your mom and grandma can walk in together? Try to find a compromise. Tell her how important these things are to you, and see if there's some way you can both get what you want. Also, try to find out the *real* reason behind all of this, maybe she's really insecure, maybe it's an emotional thing because when you were a little girl she wouldn't be going through this day without your dad, etc, etc.. Try to reach a compromise. It's not too late!

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Posted by prncssrachel

Honestly, I'd let those things go for now. As hurtful as they are, they are not things that need to be worried about right now, and your mom just might be feeling overwhelmed. When I got engaged, my mother cried HYSTERICALLY...not because she was happy, but because it made her feel old Give me a break. People are weird with weddings. My mother did not seem interested at all in my wedding until the last few months. As you get closer and start planning more, you might be surprised at how your mom will change her tune. Good luck!

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I agree... she just is having feelings that she's unsure of... but that really doesn't excuse her from being so harsh This is supposed to be a happy time in both of your lives and why not celebrate it as best as you can!? Try to let it go for now, and try to include her as much as you can in the planning and maybe (hopefully) she'll come around.

But we're here for you We all hope it goes well for you.

Thanks for all your support and kind words. You are all great.

After a night full of nightmares about her not showing up at all, you all are right. It's still a year away and she can change her mind a million times. The most important thing is that I am marrying my best friend and soul mate. At the end of the day, that's what matters. What my mother decides to do or not to do won't change that.

to everyone.