dilemma about being a bm

cantwait84 Posted: Mar 09, 2007 06:59 PM

dilemma about being a bm

i am getting married in late august. a good friend is getting married in early oct. she asked me to be a bm. i said yes, but really regret doing so. i love her, but she lives upstate and i just dont have the time or money to commit myself. (what with new job, looking for a new apt, and my own wedding stuff). she asked me about 3-4 months ago. is it too late to back out?

Princess Cut Bride Posted: Mar 09, 2007 07:04 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

Have you ordered your bm dress yet?

stephanielyse Posted: Mar 09, 2007 07:06 PM

.

HelenZ Posted: Mar 09, 2007 07:07 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

well 3-4 months can be a long period of time in the wedding planning world, your friend could have already got BM gifts or made arrangements that could possibly involve the # of people in her BP. BUT if you really think its too much for you (especially being upstate), maybe you can just tell her that as it gets closer to your own wedding, your just feeling really overwhelmed and you're not sure if you can still commit yourself 100% to being a BM for her.

BTW- how close are you? good luck deciding!!

cantwait84 Posted: Mar 09, 2007 07:17 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

she is about 4-5 hours away. i did not order my dress yet. also, i am starting a new job in a month and there is a 6 month waiting period before you are aloud to take vacation. they are of course allowing me to take off for my own wedding and honeymoon, but i dont want to take anymore time than i have too. also my fiances brother is also getting married in october.

Princess Cut Bride Posted: Mar 09, 2007 07:32 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

This is a very hard decision to make. Being a BM will require a big commitment on your part. (Dress fittings, bridal shower planning, rehearsal, bachelorette party...etc) If you will not be able to do that I think you should explain your reasons to your friend and maybe offer to take part in her special day in another way.

Good luck.

snydl40 Posted: Mar 09, 2007 08:11 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

I would be honest and back out now. Explain that you really don't have the $$, and your new job said you can't take off, besides for your own wedding. Tell her you don't want to commit to being in the wedding, if you think you might not make it to the rehearsal, dress fittings, etc.

luvabul Posted: Mar 09, 2007 08:35 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

i agree, i would not want a BM that couldnt commite herself or was too busy, ... talk to her and explain your situation!

LaurenluvsTJ Posted: Mar 09, 2007 08:50 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

If you really feel you can't then tell her now. I think it is do-able though, and she if she is in your wedding then she might be really upset that she is doing it all for you but you not for her.
I was a BM in my friends wedding 3 months after mine and it was fine.
I would really try to make the effort if you can!

Kara and Todd Posted: Mar 09, 2007 10:03 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

If you are either not close enough to this girl to figure out a way to get to her wedding or too strapped for cash to be able to afford to go to a wedding for someone you're really that close to, then definitely explain and back out... but if she's in your BP and you're REALLY that close to her, you should find a way to be there.

jtgarsik Posted: Mar 09, 2007 10:49 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

Okay - you're a bride....think of everything in the world you'd want to hear from one of your bridesmaids if they had to drop out. The best thing you can do is just be honest if your 150% sure you want to do this. If you're that good of friends she should understand as long as u talk with an open & honest heart

erdbeere Posted: Mar 10, 2007 02:23 AM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

Honestly, I think if you explain your situation, she would understand that you wouldn't be bale to be as committed as the other BMs.... that doesn't mean you have to back out though.... both of my BMs are OOT (one is out of the country), so I'm not expecting them to help much with planning..bu tI know they will help on the big day...and for me its more important just to have them standing next to me at the altar than planning parties for me. JMO.

Mooshyboo Posted: Mar 10, 2007 07:53 AM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

me and my best friend (she is my moh) and I am a BM in her wedding ~ 3 weeks apart... it is going to be hard but doable... She lives here though ~ if you feel like this now I would just talk to her about the situation ~ since she knows you live far & you have your own wedding she is probably not expecting you to be involved in all the pre wedding activities ~ I had two of my OOT BM bale on me a couple of weeks ago... a couple of days before the dresses had to be ordered... I made a trip to see them in NC last October and do wedding and BM stuff with them... plus I purchased BM gifts that I cannot return... (just from a bride's point of view) I told all my OOT bridesmaids I know it is an expense and if they cannot attend the Pre wedding activities that is fine with me as long as they are standing by my side on my wedding day... but annyyhooo what ever you have decide to do Good Luck!

siobhanB Posted: Mar 10, 2007 11:32 AM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

I actually had a BM back out of my bridal party.. it was kinda sad, but it has worked out better for the two of us... she was in a tight money situation and looking to move (she has since moved to NC) and i had kinda regretted not asking my FSIL (now SIL) she had kinda put off telling me, which made thigns more complicated for me, but in the end she backed out, i was able to ask my SIL and all in all we are all in a better spot.

If you aren't able to commit yourself as much as you can than i think it would be best to back off now, this way if there is someone who has since been a big help to her, maybe she can ask them to 'take your place' and you can just be there for her as a friend and a guest, but not neessarily have the pressure of a BM.

jessruth9 Posted: Mar 10, 2007 12:13 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

I would be completely honest. You must be important to her if she asked you. Maybe you can just attend the wedding and not take part in the parties and etc.?

cantwait84 Posted: Mar 10, 2007 01:03 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

actually she is not a bm in my bridal party... we have not been that close for a few a years

waterspout4 Posted: Mar 10, 2007 01:33 PM

Re: dilemma about being a bm

I would call her now and decline gracefully. If you think you'd still like to attend, let her know you'll try everything to do that. I had 2 BMs try to hang on as long as they could, without telling me a damn thing. One dropped out with 11 weeks to go and the other dropped out with 6 weeks to go. The latter only sent me an email. I thought I would kill. You've got plenty of time, so be honest.