Dilemma - Need Your Opinions!

Have any of you had trouble figuring out what amount of gift is appropriate for weddings that take place outside of the NY metro area? I live in DC, and have found that most people here have never heard of 'covering the plate.'

Here is my dilemma: I have a friend who is originally from NY who now lives in DC and is getting married in DC in March. She wasn't able to make it to my DC shower or to my wedding, but she sent us some goblets from our registry for our wedding present (about $60 worth).

I can't make her shower either, but my DH and I plan to attend the wedding and I am trying to figure out what type of gift to get her. I figure I should get her a shower gift too since I was invited, but I thought I would maybe combine the two into 1 larger gift.

QUESTION: Do my DH and I try to cover our plate in case she may be expecting that (she being from NY and all), or go with what most people in DC do - give a gift off of the registry. And if so, what amount do you think would be appropriate for a combo shower/wedding gift (remember, DH and I plan to attend the wedding).

Thanks for the help!

Hi, as a New Yorker living in DC I'll try to answer that one.... I have given my NY/NJ friends getting married here pretty much the same as I would in NY no matter what. I think less would also be appropriate though --what is your gut saying? OK, I probably didn't help you but I was just trying to think it out!

and FYI, DC weddings may cost a little less than NY but not by much!

I'm not sure how it ever came up that people should cover their plates

IMO, you give what you can afford. if I were invited to a wedding at Oheka Castle, I would not be able to afford a gift of $600 (or more) to cover my and DH's plate.

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Posted by jeanla4c

--what is your gut saying? OK, I probably didn't help you but I was just trying to think it out!

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I agree, go with your gut. I think it depends on how close you are to her also. I have given more to my really close friends in the past.

ETA: we just went to a wedding in Boston last year & we gave the same as we would have given in NY. Maybe that helps? DC & Boston seem kinda similar.

My gut is telling me I should send her a gift off of her registry in lieu of money that covers 'the plate' for DH and I because:
- She didn't go to our wedding and her gift was a $60 registry gift (I am not saying this was inappropriate at all - it was nice of her to do that)
- She is a good friend but not among my closest friends
- Her DC guests won't be giving cash
- I don't want her to feel bad about not giving us more

I was thinking maybe a $100-150 gift, but am not sure what to do about the shower.

Give what you can afford. Yes, weddings are different in different parts of the country, but that shouldn't matter to you.

My friend is getting married in DC where open bars are not the norm. He told me last night that they are having a 5 hour open bar! I said, oh, that's great. Then I realized, that he said it with the intention of impressing me. I started laughing at first (and he's very familiar with NY stuff)-I told him that is the norm here, but I realized it's not there. He laughed too and said in DC is almost never a 5 hour open bar...it's a cash bar.

Anyway-it's almost impossible to tell what somebody paid per plate-and that cover your plate thing is bogus.

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Posted by Nautical bride

My gut is telling me I should send her a gift off of her registry in lieu of money that covers 'the plate' for DH and I because:
- She didn't go to our wedding and her gift was a $60 registry gift (I am not saying this was inappropriate at all - it was nice of her to do that)
- She is a good friend but not among my closest friends
- Her DC guests won't be giving cash
- I don't want her to feel bad about not giving us more

I was thinking maybe a $100-150 gift, but am not sure what to do about the shower.

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On one hand, I think you could send a separate shower gift, timed to arrive about a week after the shower, and spend under $40. On the other hand, since she didn't go to your shower or give you a shower gift, I think you could skip the shower gift entirely.

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Posted by Nautical bride

My gut is telling me I should send her a gift off of her registry in lieu of money that covers 'the plate' for DH and I because:
- She didn't go to our wedding and her gift was a $60 registry gift (I am not saying this was inappropriate at all - it was nice of her to do that)
- She is a good friend but not among my closest friends
- Her DC guests won't be giving cash
- I don't want her to feel bad about not giving us more

I was thinking maybe a $100-150 gift, but am not sure what to do about the shower.

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like my last post, i think $100- $150 is appropriate- its more than she gave you ( which is right, because you're actually going to the wedding), but its not too much more that will make her feel awkward..... i would forget about a shower gift, since she didn't send you one or come to your shower...

also wanted to add a story from my wedding- my parents have friends and their daughter got married about a year before i did.... she had a small wedding,basically just family, my parents werent' invited, but my mom still sent the couple $50 and a card anyway.... very nice of her. well, my mom wanted to invite the girls parents to my wedding, and they came... and they gave us $50 from both of them, i guess because thats what my mom had given their daughter... and it was very nice of them, but at the same time it was like
' well wait a second, you acutally came to the wedding and ate the food and drank the drinks, you hvae to take that into account' so i think its good that you're taking that into consideration with your situation....

Thanks for your ideas everyone! I went onto her registry and decided that we are going to buy her a very nice gift off of the registry. Based on what we got from our DC friends for our wedding, I think our gift will be very generous.

Regarding the shower, I think I will either treat her to lunch before the wedding since I can't make the shower or give her a pretty frame or wedding album as a token shower gift.

I would send a nice shower gift and then 'cover the plate'.

I'm the same situation wtih a lot of NYers who live in MD now.