divorced parents at wedding, help :(

girls, once again, i need your advice.

i doubt any of you have a similar situation, but...

my dad left my mom 10 years ago. i know we should be over it by now, but it was still very sad and shocking.

he has told me he is now seeing someone and wants to bring her to my wedding. he lives far from ny so they will be staying at the hotel with me and other guests. my mom is very uncomfortable with the situation because he isn't married to this woman and nobody has met her really.

we feel it's really uncool for everyone to be meeting this person for the very first time at my wedding. i waited 35 years for this day. my family is very old fashioned.

i'm very upset about all of this. i am sure my family will be whispering and staring if she is there and i don't want this to be the focus of the wedding weekend.

how can i tell him to leave her home? i know this all sounds very selfish. my mom said she will not attend the brunch the next day if this woman is there. i don't blame her. i personally do not want her there. if they were married or she had been in the picture for years, it'd be a diff. story.

what do i say? i wish i could send him an email but i know that's not the right way to handle it.

honestly---i know its your wedding, but i don't think you have the right to tell your dad he can't bring this woman. i understand its very uncomfortable--but 10 years have passed...and everyone just has to be an adult about it. i totally get that your mom feels weird....but telling him he can't bring his girlfriend--well things are going to get worse.

believe it or not--this issue has come up sooo many times on these boards---so don't feel like you are alone. but i think that you have to all respect that this is his girlfriend....i know it doesn't seem fair....but the whole 'if he brings her...i'm not going to attend this function..' threat by your mom (even though you understand it)...really is not fair to you. because she is basically asking you to make sure that she is not there ....and of COURSE you dont' want to have to 'choose' between the girlfriend and your mom. to me that is kind of selfish....she shouldn't put you in that kind of situation. like i said, i know you say you understand it---but it doesn't mean she isn't being fair to you.

Its not as uncommon as you think.

My dad left my mother over 20 years ago for another woman, although my mother got over it, I am now starting to do so. I invited him, offered to pay for airplane tix for him and my sister (who live in another country), but mentioned nothing of his wife. Had he mentioned anything about brining her I'd told him a resinating NO.

Think of it like this...its your special day and not him, your mom, his new woman or anyone else should ruin it. If you want him and not his new girl there , tell him just that. If he really wants to be there he will understand, otherwise he doesnt deserve the privilage of comming to his daughters wedding.

Good luck.

P.S. also has your mom been there more than he has? Becuase if that's so...not to be selfish, but her feelings come before his, after all he left not her.

Yes, my mom has been there for me big time. It's nice to know someone else out there feels the same way. My mom had to reinvent herself and start over and she takes care of everyone.

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Posted by kat124

Its not as uncommon as you think.

My dad left my mother over 20 years ago for another woman, although my mother got over it, I am now starting to do so. I invited him, offered to pay for airplane tix for him and my sister (who live in another country), but mentioned nothing of his wife. Had he mentioned anything about brining her I'd told him a resinating NO.

Think of it like this...its your special day and not him, your mom, his new woman or anyone else should ruin it. If you want him and not his new girl there , tell him just that. If he really wants to be there he will understand, otherwise he doesnt deserve the privilage of comming to his daughters wedding.

Good luck.

P.S. also has your mom been there more than he has? Becuase if that's so...not to be selfish, but her feelings come before his, after all he left not her.

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I went through a similar situation with my brother. He had an affair and went back and forth between this girl and his wife, it was a horrible mess. I didn't want this new girl at the wedding cuz i thought it would be a big spectacle. My family has never seen my brother with anyone other than his ex-wife since they were 16! I told my brohter exactly how i felt. I also didn't want her there because i felt bad for his ex-wife, my SIL (known her for 20 years). My parents hate her now (for no reason) so she couldn't come to the wedding. Long story short, he brought the new girl anyway cuz he didn' t want her to feel left out (like i give a ****) but there was nothing i could do. Honestly i had a feeling he would bring her. It didn't ruin the day at all and everyone was so happy for us. I would tell your dad exactly how you feel, but i wouldn't let it be something that ruins your relationship with him. Tell him that you just want the people there that know you and love you.

I know - that last line totally summed it up. I don't random newbies in my photos too. Ha ha!

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Posted by jeanyus27

I went through a similar situation with my brother. He had an affair and went back and forth between this girl and his wife, it was a horrible mess. I didn't want this new girl at the wedding cuz i thought it would be a big spectacle. My family has never seen my brother with anyone other than his ex-wife since they were 16! I told my brohter exactly how i felt. I also didn't want her there because i felt bad for his ex-wife, my SIL (known her for 20 years). My parents hate her now (for no reason) so she couldn't come to the wedding. Long story short, he brought the new girl anyway cuz he didn' t want her to feel left out (like i give a ****) but there was nothing i could do. Honestly i had a feeling he would bring her. It didn't ruin the day at all and everyone was so happy for us. I would tell your dad exactly how you feel, but i wouldn't let it be something that ruins your relationship with him. Tell him that you just want the people there that know you and love you.

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I just think you need to do what feels right for you. My mother is a very forgiving person, but I still would have felt like I was betraying her if I invited the new wife. You say your mom does everything for everyone, put yourself in her shoes, if after decades of marriage your husband left, now your daughter is getting married (even if its 10 years later, there are some wonds that never heal), how would you feel if your daughter allowed her dad to bring the new woman?

I know for many people this position sounds petty, and I admire those who have the ability to forgive certain things and to be the 'bigger person,' but its too painful, specially for your mom.

Think of her, and I would not invite the new woman. He needs to understand your position.

Although I am inviting my dad, I am saving my 'father daughter dance' for my mom. She is walking my FH down the isle, and his dad is walking me (his mom is dead, and my dad is now begining to be a dad, so he cant expect much).

I really feel for you, and dont know the details of the split between your parents, but i think you need to side with the person whose been there through everything....and it sounds like that's your mom.