do you ever wonder...?

Do you ever wonder if this marriage will work? I mean, not that you want it or that you love each other or that you're making the right decision, but if, logistically speaking, it will work?

My fiance and I have been discussing a lot lately where we will go - he's basically decided that he absolutely must leave Long Island because it's too expensive here, and he wants to already start looking at places he could transfer to with his job and everything.
This time last year we were completely agreed that we wanted to stay on Long Island, and this change has been kind of hard for me. While I might like to live somewhere else, I also want to stay near my family, especially when I have kids, and his 'I want to get out of here asap' attitude lately has been really stressful for me, because if we do go, I don't want to move away at least until after the wedding, and I need a little time to get my life settled before I can even think about moving off the island. Besides which, my brother moved out today - and not just out, to California. For weeks I've been watching how hard this has been on my parents, and I just can't even think about inflicting that kind of pain on them any time soon. My dad even told me how glad he is that I want to stay on the island, because it's been so hard to watch my brother leave. The thing is, I can't tell my FH that because he'll just say that I need to start making decisions based on what I want, not what my parents want - he just doesn't get that part of what I want IS that - it's so important to me to be close to my family and not to cause them pain.

Also, lately he's been saying he's not sure if he wants to have kids... we used to talk all the time about having kids together, how many we wanted, what we would name them, how great it would be... I don't know when this change happened. I don't want kids for a little while, but I definitely want them some day in the future, maybe when I'm approaching my 30s. I can't imagine going through life without having a family. I think it would be so lonely and sad.

I don't know. I know these are things that we need to discuss, and we have been a bit, but it's just hard. I think maybe it's that for the first time in our relationship we're in different places in our lives - he's working full time, I'm in graduate school - so he's ready to think about things (like relocating) that are just not even on my radar yet.
I know it will work out. I know we'll figure it out. And I really believe that when he gets settled a little and grows up a bit he will want to have children again - I've seen him with kids, and I think he'll make an amazing dad. And some day I will be ready to talk about moving away, I'm just not there yet. We've been through too much together to give up now. I just worry, and there's so much crap going on in my life right now that I just don't need this extra stress.

oy... that was quite a novel! Sorry, and kudos to anybody who read all the way through!

Read it all the way through....

Normal.

But don't get worked up about it just yet. Seriously, people change their mind on a daily basis. And a lot can change in between then and now.

I am the same way. FH will go wherever I want to. Sometimes I say, we must go to NY, all his family is there, there is a family business, and I just love NY. But then I get flaky and think, geez, what people pay for a first time home there, I can have a mansion and an inground pool here. And I'll miss the desert sunsets and open land.

He gets frustrated. But you both just have to do what is beneficial for the both of you. Once you are married, its about the both of you. So you'll make the best decision.

But like I said, I think its normal to think that way. But don't think about it...just let things happen, and breathe

All is we have is here and now.....

for all we know...NY real estate can go through a bust and you'll be in hog heaven sweetie!!

i read it through too...it is definately normal...try not to stress about it too much, since you guys are in different parts of your lives, its very normal to change minds and have different wants with changes...you never know maybe after your done with school you may want to leave LI and he may want to stay...try to talk to him, but dont stress it too much...i go through the same thing...

---

Posted by Nina

for all we know...NY real estate can go through a bust and you'll be in hog heaven sweetie!!

---

man, I certainly hope so!

I really think that something needs to give on Long Island - the economy here is essentially driving out anybody young or lower-middle class - it's beyond difficult to get started here, so everybody leaves. Either something changes or it's going to turn into a place for rich people and summer homes, with a few pockets of less fortunate people here and there.

Oy. I know things change. That's how I see it - things change, and we need to just get our lives started a little bit and not worry about these major decisions right now. I mean, I CAN'T go anywhere until I finish my MA anyway, because I'm too far in to bother with transfering now!

He's impatient to move out of his parents' house, which I definitely get, and he doesn't want to spend money on the ridiculous rent around here, which I also get... but I can't go anywhere right now, and I don't want him to leave without me! We've done long distance for 4 years during college, and I don't want to do it again

---

Posted by Soon2BeMrsD

i read it through too...it is definately normal...try not to stress about it too much, since you guys are in different parts of your lives, its very normal to change minds and have different wants with changes...you never know maybe after your done with school you may want to leave LI and he may want to stay...try to talk to him, but dont stress it too much...i go through the same thing...

---

Thank you, it's really good to know I'm not the only one... that it isn't some horrible sign that my relationship ***** or something.

...READ IT ALL
DONT WORRY .. WE ALL GO THROUGHT THE SAME THING ... MY FH SAYS ... ' WE ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE ON LONG ISLAND FOREVER ..BLAH BLAH BLAH ... JUST OK HIM TO DEATH ... THE NEXT DAY HE WANT TO BUILD SOMETHING IN THE BACKYARD OR REDO THE KITCHEN ... MEN ARE VERY INDECISIVE INDIVIDUALS .... TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY ONLY .. IF HE IS THAT WAY ALL THE TIME ... DONT LISTEN TO EVERTHING HE TELLS YOU .... THE KIDS THING... RIGHT NOW HE ISNT READY ... JUST GET MARRIED FIRST ... AND WHAT HOW FAST HE MAKES A 360... I'VE SEEN MANY MEN GO THROUGH THAT ...
DONT WORRY SWEETIE .. DONT WORRY TOO MUCH .... BREATHE...

i think that it is sometimes hard for men to visualize their future. they always think of the here and now. so when they say they don't want kids............i take that is they don't want kids like tomorrow

i wish luck with everything, i think it will work itself out. you made it this far for a reason!

hey sweetie!
this is sooo normal. i wouldn't be too stressed over it. your brother moving out is probably causing you to be a bit sad, and this is bringing all the rest out. couples go thru this all the time.

plus--don't forget that your FH is still in a stress period himself with the new job! my FH is adjusting okay, but this is a big time for them! don't get too scared.

if things go on and in the next several months and you truly feel that you are not on the same page with your FH---THEN you might want to consider sitting down for some pre-marital counseling or with your a pastor/priest from your church. if as the wedding approaches, you definetely feel you want totally separate things--you have to figure out why that is and if you can overcome these things together.

for right now though--i think you guys are just going through a lot of transition and stress and you are becoming fearful of the future. but i think you'll be just fine!!

I agree I think everyone at times thinks the same thing. I think the biggest thing is that your love is strong enough to work through this. I have spoken to a few of my married girl friends about this and they say how things change as people grow up. Some of there husbands never wanted kids and now they want a football team. Your love is strong you will make it!!