ethics question: your thoughts, please

Something just happened that left me feeling confused, like I did the wrong thing. What do you think I should have done in the following situation? (I'll try to keep it brief -- the upshot is that it's a question of interfering with other people's parenting.)

I was walking my dog in the park when two little kids (boy and girl, twins, age four or so) came running up to me. They asked if they could pet my dog, and I said yes. I looked up and saw their mother lagging behind them. She was walking a rambunctuous Rottweiler puppy and looking very sad and overwhelmed. I heard her say something to the kids about going back to the car to get something. Then she turned around, with her back to her kids (they were still with me, petting my dog.) She walked about 50 feet to her car, with her back to the kids the whole way.

The boy ran over to a nearby duck pond and started throwing large rocks at the ducks. The girl looked up at me and said, 'You have to stay with us now.' I was about to say something like, 'your mom's right over there,' but then I realized that was an awful thing to say, and that the girl was nervous. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until her mommy returned, and she said yes. Then she started yelling at her brother about being too close to the duck pond.

The mom came back a minute later, and told the kids to stay away from the duck pond. I kept walking with my dog, wondering the following things:

1. Should I have said something to the little boy about throwing rocks at the ducks? I started to, and then found myself stopping for some reason.

2. Should I have told the kids to stay away from the pond? It's not deep, but the edges are rocky and probably slippery.

3. Should I have said something to the mom about leaving her kids alone with me like that? I mean, I look completely harmless, but still...

I'm especially interested in hearing what parents have to say. If I had said something to you about leaving the kids alone, what might your reaction have been?

DH says it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd said anything, so it's just as well that I didn't. But I'm not so sure.

While I agree with your husband that it probably would not have made a difference. I do not have children myself, I feel that she (the mom) was very irresponsibe in doing that. You could have been some kook. I see things like this a lot with some of the parents in my neighborhood.... I just want to group them all together and smack them all upside the head.

i would have done the same thing you did - and i would have felt guilty about it also.

i don't think telling strangers things like that really helps because they probably won't listen to you and just think your'e interfering in their life....

I am a Mom of two and this is JMO. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child. I think your actions were appropriate (considering the mom did not even connect w/ you about going back to her car.
But, I know (even before I became a Mom) that I would have made a gentle suggestion to the children NOT to throw stones and to stand away from the pond.
Try not to loose sleep over this one. Your take on the situation is right on - Overwhelmed Mom!!! Sometimes we do not think clearly. Be grateful nothing bad happened . . .

I probably wouldn't have been able to control my maternal instincts. I probably would have told the kids to stay away and stop throwing rocks but that's probably bc i was a pre-k teacher and am constantly around my nieces and nephews and used to telling them what to do and what not to do. Sometimes I cross the line I'm sure, but my words travel faster than my brain sometimes.

I do, however, think that you were smart in staying quiet because all you need is the mother getting all pissed off at you that you are questioning her parenting skills (esp after the fact). IT's sad that this happened.

Just ysterday, I saw a woman leave her newborn in the back seat of her car while she went to the pizza place to order a pie.

Hello??? I know being a mom is hard but sometimes you just have to wonder....

this is like a catch 22 situation

if you say something, the mother turns around and says to mind your own business

if you don't say something and the kid falls in the pond, the mother will ask how you let that happen

there's nothing you can do about it to be honest.. paretns are either good examples or they stink.. and if you say something, a lot of times, you come off looking like the bad guy.
(ie.. who are you to tell me this.. or tell me that..) it's a bummer of a rule but it opens you up to the mind your own bizness thing.

i was once on the train and there's this little kid and he looks at me.. gets up from his seat.. and comes over to me (unprovocated).. then again how could I have provocated a 5 year old.. and the little ******* kicks me right in the shin. It didn't hurt.. but his family is sitting there laughing there heads off.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and unfortunately even if you say something.. it won't sink in. Some people are just ignorant.

Ok, now that we're on this topic, let me tell you what happened to me and my sister on our way home from Florida. This woman stumbles on the plane with a tight half shirt on and her pregnant belly sticking out. She's clearly 'messed up' somehow -- whether it was too much valium or drugs or alcohol ... I don't know ... but she was pregnant and drugged. She couldn't even keep her eyes straight. They were rolling in back of her head. And she really couldn't walk. The stewardess had to literally put her in her seat. Well .... a beautiful little girl, obviously not cared for (mangled hair and pajamas mid day) sits next to her wonderful mommy, calls the stewardess over, and orders mommy a coffee bc she needs that 'when she's sleepy.' 'Mommy's sleepy like this all the time...' So, the coffee comes, and she is putting the coffee up to her mom's lips, saying, 'Mommy, sip it. IT's ok...' Mom spills the coffee, pushes daughter's hands away, and daughter continues to try to care for mom. My sister and I were with my nephew, who was about her age. My nephew takes out his play-do and crayons and starts playing. The little girl looks over with longing, sad eyes. We give her markers (over her 'dead' mom) and play-do and lollipops and a juice box. She smiles from ear to ear and tells us she loves us. She played with us and talked to us over her 'dead' mom the entire flight. Then we watched the flight attendant shake (again and again) mom awake at the end of the flight. We watch Mom walk over to the pick up truck, where she's going to drive beautiful young girl away. we let her drive away. What's worse?

Oh my goodness. Both these stories are sickening (the second one being worse than the first).

Duck Pond - I find myself always telling kids 'no' or 'don't do that' - whether I know them or not. I can't help it, if I see some kid hitting another person or doing something dangerous, I gently always say 'be careful' because it just automatically comes out, even though I KNOW that would bother the crap out of me if I was that child's parent and someone did that to me. I would not, however, have said something directly to the mom.

Airplane - I am so saddened by this story, I think I would have cried on the plane seeing it happen. But I don't think there is anything you could have done to stop the mom (unless maybe there was a copy nearby that you could tip off to check her out before driving). She would have just become belligerent. That poor little girl.

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Posted by matron

Ok, now that we're on this topic, let me tell you what happened to me and my sister on our way home from Florida. This woman stumbles on the plane with a tight half shirt on and her pregnant belly sticking out. She's clearly 'messed up' somehow -- whether it was too much valium or drugs or alcohol ... I don't know ... but she was pregnant and drugged. She couldn't even keep her eyes straight. They were rolling in back of her head. And she really couldn't walk. The stewardess had to literally put her in her seat. Well .... a beautiful little girl, obviously not cared for (mangled hair and pajamas mid day) sits next to her wonderful mommy, calls the stewardess over, and orders mommy a coffee bc she needs that 'when she's sleepy.' 'Mommy's sleepy like this all the time...' So, the coffee comes, and she is putting the coffee up to her mom's lips, saying, 'Mommy, sip it. IT's ok...' Mom spills the coffee, pushes daughter's hands away, and daughter continues to try to care for mom. My sister and I were with my nephew, who was about her age. My nephew takes out his play-do and crayons and starts playing. The little girl looks over with longing, sad eyes. We give her markers (over her 'dead' mom) and play-do and lollipops and a juice box. She smiles from ear to ear and tells us she loves us. She played with us and talked to us over her 'dead' mom the entire flight. Then we watched the flight attendant shake (again and again) mom awake at the end of the flight. We watch Mom walk over to the pick up truck, where she's going to drive beautiful young girl away. we let her drive away. What's worse?

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Sounds like you met Courtney Love.

Honestly, sometimes I think people should be tested and licensed to become a parent.

Ok, the DuckPond thing....I don't know what I woulds have done, but I agree with a previous poster who said that by the little girl's response maybe this is not the first time mom did that. I do not think I would have said anything to the kids, but I may have said omething to the mom......which usually gets me in trouble.

The airplane thing...I would have gotten the license plate # & called the cops....I am super-fanatical about people who drive with kids in their car when they are unable....again probably getting myself into trouble.

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Posted by Kriss2c

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Posted by matron

Ok, now that we're on this topic, let me tell you what happened to me and my sister on our way home from Florida. This woman stumbles on the plane with a tight half shirt on and her pregnant belly sticking out. She's clearly 'messed up' somehow -- whether it was too much valium or drugs or alcohol ... I don't know ... but she was pregnant and drugged. She couldn't even keep her eyes straight. They were rolling in back of her head. And she really couldn't walk. The stewardess had to literally put her in her seat. Well .... a beautiful little girl, obviously not cared for (mangled hair and pajamas mid day) sits next to her wonderful mommy, calls the stewardess over, and orders mommy a coffee bc she needs that 'when she's sleepy.' 'Mommy's sleepy like this all the time...' So, the coffee comes, and she is putting the coffee up to her mom's lips, saying, 'Mommy, sip it. IT's ok...' Mom spills the coffee, pushes daughter's hands away, and daughter continues to try to care for mom. My sister and I were with my nephew, who was about her age. My nephew takes out his play-do and crayons and starts playing. The little girl looks over with longing, sad eyes. We give her markers (over her 'dead' mom) and play-do and lollipops and a juice box. She smiles from ear to ear and tells us she loves us. She played with us and talked to us over her 'dead' mom the entire flight. Then we watched the flight attendant shake (again and again) mom awake at the end of the flight. We watch Mom walk over to the pick up truck, where she's going to drive beautiful young girl away. we let her drive away. What's worse?

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Sounds like you met Courtney Love.

Honestly, sometimes I think people should be tested and licensed to become a parent.

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absolutely 100% agree with that.