Family Rant.

This question has been sort of irking me lately, because of drama that came up this weekend.

When it comes to paying for the wedding, my fiancee and I are footing most of the bill. My parents are giving us a chunk of money to help us with the expenses. My FMIL, on the other hand, is a single woman who really cannot afford to help us out. (She has been very helpful in other ways - letting us stay with her while we're in the city etc)

My fiancee and I had worked out the guest list together, putting all of the necessary family members on it and trying to keep our friends to enough of a minimum that we could keep it small.

This weekend, however, my FMIL mentioned to me that she had some friends she wanted to invite. When I had spoken to her before, she hadn't mentioned anyone except family that had to be invited, so I was frustrated that she had waited til 3 months before the wedding to talk to us about this, but that wasn't that big of a deal until she dropped the bomb on my FH this evening that it was about 20 people.

I'm not sure how to react to this. My FH and I invited all of the important family members and wanted to keep it to the people that were most important to us, but we also don't want his mother to feel like she doesn't have a part in the wedding.

Then again, she isn't offering to help pay for any of the expenses, so I don't think she has the right to drop this bomb on us at the last minute. As far as our guest list goes, 20 people is a lot, and I don't want to count on them to pay for themselves and get screwed when we didn't budget it in.

I am trying to be calm and diplomatic, but I'm not sure how to deal with this bomb 102 days until my wedding...

Ugh! This just happened to us recently... and FFIL thinks the guest list is a running list. So, when he runs into someone that he hasn't seen in 20 years he tells me to add them to the list.

I would let you FMIL that you are happy she would like to add to the guest list, but you and FH only budgeted for a certain amount of people and her 20 extras are pushing you over budget. If she'd like she could help you pay for them, she's more than welcome. But gently let her know that you can't afford to invite that many extras.

HTH! GL!

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Posted by queenofhaerts

Ugh! This just happened to us recently... and FFIL thinks the guest list is a running list. So, when he runs into someone that he hasn't seen in 20 years he tells me to add them to the list.

I would let you FMIL that you are happy she would like to add to the guest list, but you and FH only budgeted for a certain amount of people and her 20 extras are pushing you over budget. If she'd like she could help you pay for them, she's more than welcome. But gently let her know that you can't afford to invite that many extras.

HTH! GL!

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This!!! I would say you have a tight budget and you really wanted to keep your wedding small. But due to the fact that you want her to feel included you will try and accommodate her. Give her a number of people that you guys can afford to add. Say maybe we can squeeze 5 people but after that if you would like to invite more you would need to pay for them. Good luck!!!

Tough call because you don't want to ruffle family feather. We had this problem early one when FH's grandmother had a guest list of about 30-40 people. My parents are paying for half of the wedding, and FH & I are paying for the other half...FH's family is contributing zero dollars (they cannot afford to help out). We paired her list down to about 15 people...and we are hoping that they are too old to travel!!!! LOL

I mean, FH doesn't even have 40 friends he is inviting!!!!!

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Posted by kitt6katt

Tough call because you don't want to ruffle family feather. We had this problem early one when FH's grandmother had a guest list of about 30-40 people. My parents are paying for half of the wedding, and FH & I are paying for the other half...FH's family is contributing zero dollars (they cannot afford to help out). We paired her list down to about 15 people...and we are hoping that they are too old to travel!!!! LOL

I mean, FH doesn't even have 40 friends he is inviting!!!!!

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This! I am not angry that FH's family cannot contribute financially, but both he and I have less than 20 friends each we are inviting because we already have so many family members coming, and we're paying about half! It seems hardly fair that his mother, who isn't paying, would get more invites lol.

I want lots of people at our wedding so it can be fun, but you're right. Hopefully her friends will just be happy to receive an invitation and send a nice gift instead

Thanks for all the support everyone! I was told early on that a wedding has very little to do with the bride and groom but I didn't believe them until my FMIL said 'what? It isn't my wedding too?' hahaha

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Posted by pauladanielle

Thanks for all the support everyone! I was told early on that a wedding has very little to do with the bride and groom but I didn't believe them until my FMIL said 'what? It isn't my wedding too?' hahaha

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Its rather messed up that its nothing about the bride and groom. Even though everyone says its all about the bride. Its truly about the parents and its messed up!!!

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Posted by pauladanielle

This question has been sort of irking me lately, because of drama that came up this weekend.

When it comes to paying for the wedding, my fiancee and I are footing most of the bill. My parents are giving us a chunk of money to help us with the expenses. My FMIL, on the other hand, is a single woman who really cannot afford to help us out. (She has been very helpful in other ways - letting us stay with her while we're in the city etc)

My fiancee and I had worked out the guest list together, putting all of the necessary family members on it and trying to keep our friends to enough of a minimum that we could keep it small.

This weekend, however, my FMIL mentioned to me that she had some friends she wanted to invite. When I had spoken to her before, she hadn't mentioned anyone except family that had to be invited, so I was frustrated that she had waited til 3 months before the wedding to talk to us about this, but that wasn't that big of a deal until she dropped the bomb on my FH this evening that it was about 20 people.

I'm not sure how to react to this. My FH and I invited all of the important family members and wanted to keep it to the people that were most important to us, but we also don't want his mother to feel like she doesn't have a part in the wedding.

Then again, she isn't offering to help pay for any of the expenses, so I don't think she has the right to drop this bomb on us at the last minute. As far as our guest list goes, 20 people is a lot, and I don't want to count on them to pay for themselves and get screwed when we didn't budget it in.

I am trying to be calm and diplomatic, but I'm not sure how to deal with this bomb 102 days until my wedding...

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Crashing.... I know what you mean. I am dealing with this right now but with my mother. You may have to just put your foot down & let her know it's not within your budget as well as give her a maximum of like 10 people

Just from experience, parents are a pain in the a**. One way or the other. Both sides in one way or the other.

We're paying the entire thing ourselves too and my mom is pulling the same crappola. she's gotten on my nerves already on so many other occassions involving this wedding. I've come to the point where I'm so mad I want her to have as minimal involvement in this wedding as possible. I honestly will never forget how poorly she's acted throughout this wedding planning time. It's really hurtful and I can't believe I am seeing her true colors clearly now - without rose tinted glasses, and that's my own mother!

Anyway we ended up inviting extra couples to the wedding that I either don't know or I don't like one of them - well haven't seen them or heard from them in years and years but I never liked them as a child. but I told my parents they have to foot the bill for them if they actually say yes. She was like you'll get the money after the wedding from gifts... Screw that. I'm not paying for her guests! I don't consider them my guests. If they show, I want the money upfront at time of final guest count. I know its harsh, but she's gotten on my nerves for the last time... or so I hope!

I'd tell your fiance to deal with his mother. You shouldn't get too involved if possible. Probably not the best way to join 2 families. Just have him point out a limited financial aspect and limit her guest count if she's not contributing.

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Posted by PSP


Anyway we ended up inviting extra couples to the wedding that I either don't know or I don't like one of them - well haven't seen them or heard from them in years and years but I never liked them as a child. but I told my parents they have to foot the bill for them if they actually say yes. She was like you'll get the money after the wedding from gifts... Screw that. I'm not paying for her guests! I don't consider them my guests. If they show, I want the money upfront at time of final guest count. I know its harsh, but she's gotten on my nerves for the last time... or so I hope!

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That's what my FMIL said to me! And I was like... we are not inviting people we don't know on the chance that they might end up paying for themselves. You would think that if they weren't paying our parents would understand that they can't make decisions.

But yep. I am just going to leave her to my FH and make him deal with it for as long as possible.

Some family members just don't understand it's a WEDDING, not a freakin' backyard BBQ. It's not like you can just buy some extra groceries and be all set.

Aside from the cost per plate, everything has to be planned out around these people. Seating, favors, etc.