Family Stuff (Long)

I know I'm going to have to fight this battle sooner or later, so I thought I would ask for opinions now.

My grandfather (mom's dad) died when I was 17. FH's grandfather (dad's dad) died when he was 24. We are planning on having a memory candle for each of them because we were very close with our grandfathers.

Here is where the trouble comes in. My dad's father split when I was 2, I have no contact with him, doesn't bother me in the least. My grandmother had a relationship for 20+ years with a man who was NEVER a grandfatherly figure to any of us. We had to call him Mr. *******, even when we reached adulthood. He was never warm, kept to himself, but he made my grandmother happy so we put up with it. He filled the 'crochety old man' role very well. About a year ago, he passed away from cancer. My older cousin put on the program 'In memory of *************' at his wedding over the summer. I don't want to do this. He basically set the standard that this is what we all have to do, and I'm kind of aggrivated. This man was NOT a family figure to me. I know if my grandmother sees candles for the other two, she's going to want to know where her boyfriend's recognition is for his memory. I really don't want to memorialize someone who didn't really care about my family enough to be a part of it, but I don't want to make my grandmother feel bad.

We aren't doing programs, so we can't print a little blurb.

Okay...

you can do one memory candle each for the ones who are the DEAREST to you... and then one general one for everyone else who has passed. If there is only that one 'crotchety old man', then you may have to only do one for each side of the family, and throw him into your side's candle (could I say that any less tactfully?).

OR you can do the memory candle for just the ones you want, and then just have a rose on a chair representing all the loved ones who are 'no longer with us'. Or go light a candle in the middle of the ceremony in all of their honor or something in their honor, with just the other two memory candles separate.

This is the tough stuff, I know... I wanted to do two memory candles, but my FH didn't want one for his dad because he's not good with wearing his feelings on his sleeve, so that means that we can't do it for my Grandmother, like I wanted to, since people will assume I'm the b!tch for honoring her and not his late dad. It's such a tricky thing for something with such nice intentions. arrgghhh....

what kind of candles are you doing? just some set up or are you gonna do a little memorial for each.

i know it's hard to consider and aggrivating, but i'd probably do one for him as well. i'd be pissed about it, but if it makes your grandma happy, then go for it. you'd really be doing it for her anyway.

or you could perhaps just do one (maybe larger) memory candle with a blurb underneath it that's something like:

'in memory of those we've lost, especially our loving grandparents.'

something that still remembers your grandparents, but isn't specifically for your grandma's boyfriend but doesn't exclude him either.