Father of the bride passed away...

I'm getting married July 2008, and am having second thoughts about having a big wedding. My father passed away 10 years ago and I can't seem to get passed the fact that he will not be here. He was my world. Every plan I make, makes me breakdown because it makes me miss him. I'm trying so hard to just be happy about one of the most important days of my life, but lately all I do is cry. It feels so ridiculous beacuse I am so happy to have found the man of my dreams, we SHOULD have the wedding of our dreams... right?
I have already booked the hall and the photographer, and we are spending a lot of money to have a large wedding. I am just scared that if I am a mess now, I will be even worse that day! I just don't want to ruin what should be the happiest day of my life by crying all day. I am starting to wonder if I should just elope... but then I feel that our familes will be dissappointed and my fiance shouldn't have to suffer because I'm an emotional mess about this. I'm so confused...

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to not be so emotional?! How do I remeber and honor him at my wedding without it becoming about his absence... PLEASE HELP!!!

First of all I'm sorry to hear of your loss. . .

second, there are lots of ways you can incorporate him into your wedding without it being overbearing or obvious-

Mention him in the program
Use his favorite color in your color scheme
Wear a locket or attatch one to your bouquet with his picture in it
Have a memorial table with a candle and a picture
Play his favorite song

I'm sure there are many more!!

I think that your father would've wanted you to have the wedding of your dreams, and he would be upset if he thought his death was holding you back.

I'm sure its normal for you to cry about your loss on your wedding day-- but I think its going to be a day full of all kinds of emotions...and I'm not sure that that will be the dominating one.



Have you ever had professional counseling? If not, maybe you could look into it. PLanning a wedding is an extremely stressful time. . .it might be a great chance to get some help dealing with everything.

Thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions...

I have attempted counseling, but talking about just doesn't seem to help me. It hasn't for 10 years now... I feel so ridiculous!
I thought of a few of those ideas, which are all wonderful, but that just might be my problem. Everytime I see his picture or hear a song that reminds me of him is when I cry. I thought about eliminating the special dances all together, but that's not fair to my FH and his mother. That and to try to avoid my fathers memory just doesn't feel right either.

This just appears to be something I need to get over. I guess all I can do is hope it get's easier by the time next July rolls around... either that or pack extra mascara!!!

Thank you again!!!
( I will definitely use the locket idea you had, it was excellent)

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Posted by kahlua716

First of all I'm sorry to hear of your loss. . .

second, there are lots of ways you can incorporate him into your wedding without it being overbearing or obvious-

Mention him in the program
Use his favorite color in your color scheme
Wear a locket or attatch one to your bouquet with his picture in it
Have a memorial table with a candle and a picture
Play his favorite song

I'm sure there are many more!!

I think that your father would've wanted you to have the wedding of your dreams, and he would be upset if he thought his death was holding you back.

I'm sure its normal for you to cry about your loss on your wedding day-- but I think its going to be a day full of all kinds of emotions...and I'm not sure that that will be the dominating one.



Have you ever had professional counseling? If not, maybe you could look into it. PLanning a wedding is an extremely stressful time. . .it might be a great chance to get some help dealing with everything.

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I agree on all accounts..All wonderful suggestions to remember your father on what is bound to be a very emotional time.

I wouldn't suggest trying to mask your emotions...be yourself and whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal for you

Counseling could also be very helpful. I've been in therapy for our 2 years and it's the best thing I've ever done. We are here for you if you need to chat!

ETA: Just read you second post. The locket idea is wonderful isn't!?

I'm sorry to hear about your dad!

Sending 's for you!

I agree he would have wanted you to have the day of your dreams

Stay focused on the positive!

I am so sorry to hear about your father.

First, it sounds like you and your father had a great relationship. I think you should have the wedding of your dreams, because I bet that is what your father would have wanted more than anything! Your father would not want you to have something less than perfect for your wedding day.

I think all the suggestions of how to honor him are amazing. Another suggestion, which I'm not sure was mentioned earlier (I skimmed the other posts) is having a photo slideshow of you guys on a memorial table at your reception. You can make it yourself if you have a Mac or could borrow a Mac from someone else, using their iDVD and iMovie software. I made one for my Uncle, who passed away 2 years ago, and we played it at his wake and everyone loved it.

hey there!! my dad passed away 2 yrs ago this october.. i'm getting married in feb of 08 and it hurts soo much. the first time it hit me was at the florist when the florist asked if there were two sets of parents.. i said yes immediately then had to stop and say wait no.. one dad two moms.. she said okay and turned to her computer by the time she turned back to me i was bawling my eyes out.. i think i scared her.. lol. (it was nadia at pedestals..she was great despite my breakdown)

next breakdown was when my mom's mom (my grandma) found out i wasn't going to ask my mom's dad (my maternal grandfather) to walk me dowen the aisle.. i was contemplating doing it by myself or asking my younger brother to do it.. she got upset and informed me that she was going to 'boycott my wedding'.. i went off in a crying tizzy that day too..


so i cry a lot. but i'm going to go through with it.. i've also decided that for the father/daughter dance.. i'm going to have music playing and all themen in my life.. my brother, uncles, cousins, all of them will surround me in a circle and hand me a flower and say something they recall about my dad.. then they will open the circle up andmy fh will come in and take my hand and we'll dance together.. yes i will cry.. i'm crying writing this.. but afterwwards fh can do the dance with his mom and hopefully lighten the mood back up so everyone can get back to having fun..

try to focu on having a good time.. your dad would want you to!

i love the idea of having a locket with a picture in it of the loved one you lost. my sister died several years ago and thats exactly what i plan on doing for her.


your father will be there in spirit...you will feel his presence, and regardless of what kind of wedding you have... a big one, no one, a small one... whatever it is, your father will be there.

In that case, i think you should go for the big wedding... he'll invite all of his heaven friend to it and they'll all have a grand old time!

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Posted by iwannabmrsD

hey there!! my dad passed away 2 yrs ago this october.. i'm getting married in feb of 08 and it hurts soo much. the first time it hit me was at the florist when the florist asked if there were two sets of parents.. i said yes immediately then had to stop and say wait no.. one dad two moms.. she said okay and turned to her computer by the time she turned back to me i was bawling my eyes out.. i think i scared her.. lol. (it was nadia at pedestals..she was great despite my breakdown)

next breakdown was when my mom's mom (my grandma) found out i wasn't going to ask my mom's dad (my maternal grandfather) to walk me dowen the aisle.. i was contemplating doing it by myself or asking my younger brother to do it.. she got upset and informed me that she was going to 'boycott my wedding'.. i went off in a crying tizzy that day too..


so i cry a lot. but i'm going to go through with it.. i've also decided that for the father/daughter dance.. i'm going to have music playing and all themen in my life.. my brother, uncles, cousins, all of them will surround me in a circle and hand me a flower and say something they recall about my dad.. then they will open the circle up andmy fh will come in and take my hand and we'll dance together.. yes i will cry.. i'm crying writing this.. but afterwwards fh can do the dance with his mom and hopefully lighten the mood back up so everyone can get back to having fun..

try to focu on having a good time.. your dad would want you to!

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omg you have me bawling right now!

I lost my father 14 years ago and yes it is hard to think he will not be there that day. But really you need to get control of your emotions. It seems like you really have not accepted the loss. Maybe you should talk to someone.
Everytime I think of what I should do, I think of what my dad would say or want me to do. He wanted me to have everything, including a wedding. He is not here to meet my FH and that is hard to, but this is life. I would think your dad would want his beautiful daughter to wear the white dress he always pictured her in, walk down the ailse, marry the man she loves and dance her heart out.
If you think it would be too hard, then have a wedding, but away where it is only the two of you or a few other people.
I am really sorry that you are suffering so much. We are here for support! And so is he!

Wow... thank you all so much for your supportive words. I've been thinking all day and you are all right. I will have the wedding I've always dreamed of, the wedding he wanted me to have. Sure it will be hard not to have him there but like many of you stated, it is what he would want too.
It was just so strange for me, because I have delt with his passing. I accept the fact that he's not physically with me anymore, it's just this one day that is making it so hard. I don't cry easily, I'm not an overly emotional person at all, it's just this one day.
I am sorry for those of you who replied that have lost people close to you as well. I hope that you have found the comfort that you all have provided me

I especially loved the idea of dancing with all of the important men in my life that were close to my father as well, that is an amazing way to honor his memory and keep everyones spirits up!

Thank you all again so much!!!

ooh i'm glad u like it.. i'm hoping i can pull it off at my wedding wihtout sending everyone into a tear frenzy.. and i hope i can pully mself back together afterwards so i cna have a good time.. but yep.. i my moh suggested it and i'mma make it work.. i like the idea better than having a slide show playing.. that would certainly make everyone cry..

now back to the fun planning everyone!!! PRONTO!

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Posted by nrigolini

I'm getting married July 2008, and am having second thoughts about having a big wedding. My father passed away 10 years ago and I can't seem to get passed the fact that he will not be here. He was my world. Every plan I make, makes me breakdown because it makes me miss him. I'm trying so hard to just be happy about one of the most important days of my life, but lately all I do is cry. It feels so ridiculous beacuse I am so happy to have found the man of my dreams, we SHOULD have the wedding of our dreams... right?
I have already booked the hall and the photographer, and we are spending a lot of money to have a large wedding. I am just scared that if I am a mess now, I will be even worse that day! I just don't want to ruin what should be the happiest day of my life by crying all day. I am starting to wonder if I should just elope... but then I feel that our familes will be dissappointed and my fiance shouldn't have to suffer because I'm an emotional mess about this. I'm so confused...

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to not be so emotional?! How do I remeber and honor him at my wedding without it becoming about his absence... PLEASE HELP!!!

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My dad passed away eleven years ago due to cancer. I will be getting married to my love on September 29, 2007. My dad will be there in spirit.

We are getting married at West Sayville Country Club. That is where my dad worked for years and years. He would take care of the golf course and the greenhouse. We decided to get married in the autumn because it is so beautiful and the outside is beautiful. My dad loved the outdoors.

We will also play some music that he would love to listen to.

I am sure that your dad would like you to have a beautiful special day. You can remember him in many special ways during your special beautiful day. If you need anything else FM me.

~dancer and chef~
charlotte and michael

May I suggest for you to think about what your father would want for you if he were with you to celebrate?

My father passed away 6 months before my wedding after 9 months in a hospital setting. I got engaged when he was very ill and he was not concious. In fact, my father only met my DH (then FH) only maybe 3 or 4 times before he got sick and only knew him as my 'friend.'

In my culture, weddings are not to be planned when someone passes until the mourning period (one year) is over. If the wedding date is set before the person passes away, then the wedding goes on as planned. We knew the man my father was and we knew that he would never want us, his children, to put off our happiness to sit vigil for him. So on days we were not sitting with him at the hospital, we did our planning. I knew full well he was not going to live to see me married. It was a crappy year for us all. My mother had been ill as well and was very close to not being able to be at the wedding too.

Despite the sadness that year brought us, we continued to plan this wedding in his spirit. We went all out - the same way we would have had he been there and he would have been proud. Not one person passed judgement. Not one person commented or thought we did the wrong thing. It was a glorious day and I felt his presence many times.

I did not have pictures of him on a table. I did not have a candle burning for him. I did not have an empty chair for him. He would not have wanted this. The happiness was not to be clouded by sadness and again it would have upset him greatly if there were tears of sadness instead of tears of joy. We were still mourning and there were other people's feelings to consider - his wife, his other children, his grandchildren, his sister and his nieces and nephews. Nobody needed a tangible object to tell us he wasn't physically there. And it was all too fresh to have it staring us in the face.

We chose to honor him by having the wedding hosted by my mother as 'Mrs. Dad's First and Last name' as she still retains her name until and unless she remarries. His name was mentioned as the only one in loving memory in our program. And finally, my favorite and most private representation of my father had been attached to my bouquet. Very few people saw it - they didnt need to. It was for me only.


The bottom line is that you do what you are most comfortable with. I shared my experiences in hopes that it would help you. Please try to enjoy your wedding the best way you can. Your father will be there, but in a different way. I promise you.

hey nicole,

you have FM.

Angela

i am so sorry - i cant even imagine what you are going through
just know that you are surrounded by lots of other people that love you and want to share this special day

oh and P.S.....make sure you get on the 08 brides board too!!!!!!