feeling dumb...gift related

Ok, I don't mean to sound nasty, but this has been on my mind for a while.

I have several step cousin's who got married in 2001. They are my father's wife's neices.

For their showers, I gave them EACH a $100 bill. I did not even attend one of the showers because I was in Spain. (those 2 weddings were 3 weeks apart, so their showers were also very close date) My father's wife gave them approx $300 each.

Anyway, my shower was over 3 weeks ago. NO ONE from my Dad or his wife's side attended.

My aunt's and cousins on my Dad's side all chipped in together and bought 'group' gifts. So, 3 people contributed to a $100 gift.

I received NOTHING from the step cousin's who I gave $100 a piece to.

Then, a box arrived yesterday. It was from one of the step cousins ( the one whose shower I did not go to) who chipped in with her mom and SIL for an $85 gift.

And, I did not even receive a CARD from the other step cousin.

One of my cousin's sent $20 for a wedding gift because she can't attend. Another one sent nothing (maybe she'll send it later?)

I am just sad because I ALWAYS send gifts to these people.

I am starting to feel like maybe I am TOO generous when I give gifts to others and I really HATE that I am upset about this, but I can't help it...

Please don't be hard on yourself for being upset about this issue. It sounds like what you're upset about isn't so much the money/gift itself, but the idea that YOU make an effort to be thoughtful and other people don't seem to make as much of an effort. And that's a natural thing to feel hurt and disappointed about.

I'm in a similar situation right now. People are not RSVP-ing on time for my wedding, and I keep remembering (a) all those weddings I schlepped to over the past few years and (b) the effort I always make to get my response in on time. Last night, I was feeling hurt about this, saying stuff like, 'I'm gonna stop making an effort -- we'll see how THEY like it!' Then, FH reminded me that people's flakiness is not meant as a judgement about me and how much they care/don't care about me -- it's just flakiness. Some people have different ideas about politeness and decorum than others. Some people don't even realize that what they're doing may be construed as hurtful.

I think you could probably say the same about the people you described in your post. Just try to remember that it was great of YOU to make the effort in the past. Also, I'm sure that a lot of your friends and family are supporting you and showing how much they care about you. There are more sweet and attentive folks than there are flaky ones!

Sometimes when people(you) are generous, you expect people to be generous back, but some people are just not that way. Don't take this the wrong way, but just b/c you want to give, doesn't mean they want to.

well, now you know for next time, but i'm sorry that happened.
and i don't think you are being petty or anything. i know exactly where you are coming from.

I would feel the same way as you do. But dont feel too bad because first (not to sound mean) but its done now and you cant take the $100's back. It shows me you are a generous person and that is a good thing. From now on, whenever you send someone a gift, your situation will be on your mind. But I think you will still do whats in your heart.

It's tricky giving gifts. I am sorry this is going on right now for you!

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Posted by Stacey04

Sometimes when people(you) are generous, you expect people to be generous back, but some people are just not that way. Don't take this the wrong way, but just b/c you want to give, doesn't mean they want to.

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agree...

sometimes when i see numbers floating around on these boards i go because to me, it's a lot of $$$. i find myself to be generous, but i am beginning to think my standards are a bit different than those of other people...

i just sometimes don't see how everything adds up. with rent, car payments, and all other monthly expenses, i can't afford to drop $100 here and $100 there like it's no problem. through kids into the equation and forget it! attend a couple weddings a year and one can go broke!

i'm sorry you feel like this, but maybe it's time to cut back a bit if you really expect to get the same amount in return. i used to feel very uncomfortable with my FSIL because she is so generous and i can't always return the monetary amount, but i always attempt to 'be there' for her and help out in other ways. i don't think she expects $$$ back from me and is happy she can 'share the wealth'...