FIL - vent (long - very sorry about that)

Ok. FH's family is very different than mine. His parents are a bit older, and have a different set of values. They firmly believe that we shouldn't go away together unless we are married. When he was still living at home, we weren't allowed in his room w/the door shut. We couldn't lay on his bed to watch tv, regarless of whether the door was open or closed. We couldn't lay down together on the couch. You get my drift. Mind you, he is now 30 and I am 27. We began dating when he was 27, so it's not like we were kids at all.

The enforcement of their values has caused some real problems for us. Not between us, but to keep them happy we've forgone a lot of things we've wanted to do. It has gotten really upsetting for FH at time.

We finally found a house. FH moved in. I wasn't going to move in until after the wedding for obvious reasons but events happened in my family (nothing bad) that caused me to not be able to stay at my mom's any longer. All good things, but I had to give up my bedroom. So I moved into the house I bought with FH. Yes, we live together. OH NO!

We've hid it from FH's parents bc we believe if they knew, they wouldn't come to the wedding. FFIL didn't go to another son's wedding for that reason. (He moved in with his then girlfriend before they got married.) FH is deathly afraid his parents would boycott our wedding the same way, which would kill him bc he already feels slighted by them for other things.

So I've been living there for a few months. FFIL rarely comes over. We invited FIL over for brunch on Mother's Day. Only FMIL came. For the first time in a long time I enjoyed her presence and thought it went well.

FH's brother said to him this week that FMIL was talking to his wife asking if I lived there. FBIL's wife said she didn't know. (Regardless of whether she knows or not, I don't think she cares.) At any rate, FMIL said she was just going to ask FH.

I want to tell her off so badly!! FH is so upset, bc he is afraid this means they are boycotting the wedding. If I tell her to mind her own f&^#ing business, they will. But it's what she deserves. If we explain the circumstances of why I live there, it won't be acceptable to them. We can lie, which we most likely will have to do, but FH is a terrible liar (he doesn't like to do it and hardly ever does, and when he does, you can tell).

I want these people at my wedding only for my FH. They've treated us poorly in the past, but I can move beyond that for him, but if they don't come to the wedding, it will ruin it because FH won't be happy, he'll be crushed and feel abandoned, which I understand, and that's why I try to make them happy until the wedding. (Then h e l l breaks loose is they try to enforce their rules on us.)

HELP!

I understand why you feel so cornered & frustrated! MY FMIL was the same way at first until my FH told them to basically 'get over it.' The difference being that they had 4 years to get over it before we announced our engagement (and she still isn't thrilled yet!)

I wish I had some great advice to give you, but people become unpredictable when their beliefs are being challenged.

I wish you luck & grant you hugs

Wow, I'm sorry to read that, this is a bad situation. When is your wedding? Soon? Only suggestion I have, which kinda sux, is FH move back in w/his parents & you stay in the house - IF your wedding is in the very near future. Other than that, I dunno. Good luck I hope it all works out! FH is lucky to have you, most women wouldn't be so understanding about something like this.

Jeez, I don't know what to tell you! It is ultimately up to your FH what he decides to do. I would stand back and let him know you support any decision he makes. This could be a hard time for him. I would recommend that he not lie to his parents, that could only make it worse and will be very stressful for the two of you. Perhaps his parents won't come to the wedding, perhaps they will. The worst thing that could happen is for him to lie and his parents to find out from someone at the the wedding. That would be a nightmare.

A long time ago, I dated a man who was of another race. When my mother found out she didn't speak to me for 2 months. I never hid it, I told her straight out. I think if I had lied to her it would have been worse. Eventually, she did get over it because she knew that any man who treated me well and loved me was worth her time and her appreciation. Perhaps they will see the light themselves.

They'll eventually get over it. They did with the brother I mentioned. But they will make sure we are hurt by it. I just don't know what to do. I want to rescue my FH! I want to give him a family that loves unconditionally. I AM giving him that, but that doesn't take away the pain his family doles out.

And it's really mean, but if they hurt him anymore, I want to hurt them back. Of course, I won't. I'm a bit more mature than that, but they deserve it!

Actually I pity them. They have alienated one of their sons, and THAT is far worse punishment than anyone can give.

This is very similar to my situation with my FH's family. We are a few years younger, but regardless, it's just as ridiculous. My family has always been all about being happy. If living with FH is what I want, then that is what I should do. FH's family, on the other hand, are Irish immigrants and also would not allow us in his bedroom with the door shut. They would lock him out of the house if he came home after midnight, which was his 'curfew' at 23 yrs old! I broke my ankle last year and ALL of my family was out of town. I had just started grad school and had no one to help me around the house but FH. I was in complete pain and could not get around or drive or anything. FH's family promised to disown him if he stayed with me over night while my family was away. This was a source of extreme stress for our relationship. I took it as him not loving me and choosing his overbearing mother over me. But we finally took a stand and said, no, this is not how we are going to live our lives. They do not help him financially, emotionally or anything. When he went to college, they told him that real men get jobs and that if he went to school they would never help him in life again, and they haven't. 10 months ago we decided to move to Boston together to better our lives and his parents have since learned to except that we live together and there is nothing they can do about it, but his father still thought that we had SEPARATE BEDROOMS BECAUSE HIS MOTHER WOULDN'T TELL HIM THE TRUTH! People are nuts and parents like this eventually either choose anyway to disown their children or they just get over it. I feel for you and your future husband as I know that it will be and is a difficult time, but you two should not hide your lives, they are going to do what they want to do anyway. It seems as though they already suspect, or know, that you live there. Maybe talk to your FBIL and find out how he approached it with his parents. Maybe if you sit them down and say, you don't have a say, we don't want your opinion, this is what it is, they will get the picture. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

Wow, what a horrible situation.
I wish I had some great advice for you, just wanted to send .

Good luck.

Thank you for your girls! I need them!!!

I think if FMIL does ask FH, he is just going to ask her why she is even asking, and leave it at that.

It's really none of business what goes on in OUR HOUSE that we paid for (or will pay for over the next 30 years) with no help from them.

ARGH!!! Why does she always try to stir up trouble then blame it on us???!