FIL's girlfriend

We have a dilemma... are we obligated to invite FIL's girlfriend to our engagement party & wedding?

Here's the back story... my fiance's parents divorced about 2 years ago after ~30 years of marriage. His father (future FIL) now has a girlfriend, but his mother (future MIL) has not dated at all. Future FIL wishes to bring his girlfriend to our wedding - and future MIL has indicated that she never wishes to meet that woman. (FFIL and FMIL still work together, so them being in the same room is not the problem).

My fiance and I have decided that we do not want to invite the girlfriend to our wedding festivities. This was not a decision we made lightly. However, it seems that future FFIL does not want to respect a decision that we, the Bride & Groom, has already made.

Our reasons are numerous. Primarily, we do not want to make my fiance's mother and siblings uncomfortable and hurt their feelings in any way - they have made it clear that they do not want to have a relationship with his girlfriend. Also, we think it would be a VERY AWKWARD situation for everyone, including the two of us - even FFIL's and FMIL's friends do not invite them both over at the same time, so FMIL does not have to meet or socialize with FFIL's girlfriend. Lastly, we are having a very small, intimate wedding, 80-90 guests, and have agreed only to invite family and closest mutual friends that have either supported our 7-year relationship, or been a big part of our lives (i.e. seen us grow up). There are many people that we like and respect that won't be invited to our wedding due to our small guest list.

FFIL is upset with us. He tried to 'compromise' with us by suggesting he bring her to the engagement party (I thought it was common knowledge that someone who is not invited to the wedding is also not invited to the engagement party, which is even more intimate; and in our case it is also the 'meeting of the families').

Next, FFIL suggested that he will bring the girlfriend 'only' to the ceremony, and then leave. I think he is trying to compromise, but we see this as crashing the wedding since he wants to bring someone that is not invited. And he's the father of the groom, not some random guest - we want him to stay for the entire wedding!!

We do not want to cause any additional family drama, but this invitation situation is stressing us out. It makes us very unhappy that FFIL does not care about our wishes. It is OUR wedding, shouldn't we be allowed to decide who is and who is not invited? And even though we have already made the decision that we are not inviting her, FFIL has asked my fiance if there have been any 'new developments' -- as if the subject is still up for debate, and he can still pressure us to change our minds (it is not up for debate! we made our minds! we do not want her to be there!)

We are happy that FFIL is happy, and that he has moved on to a new life with his new girlfriend -- but we see him as having two families now - his children are his 'old family' and his girlfriend and her children are his 'new family'. Isn't it possible for him to have two separate happy families?

Although we are friendly with his girlfriend now, the truth is that we had never agreed to meet her in the first place - when they first started dating, FFIL asked us several times if we wanted to meet her and we declined. Then one day, he met us for lunch (without asking if we wanted to meet her or if it would be ok that she was there) and we walk into the restaurant, and she was sitting next to him. So obviously we could not walk out and be rude. The girlfriend is outgoing and nice, and we do not dislike her - but the truth is that we never intended to meet her, and felt tricked into having lunch with her. We have met her many times since then - and again, we do not dislike her - but it feels like we are now being forced to invite her to our wedding, even though it makes us uncomfortable.

We see FFIL's point of view - we understand that she is very important to him; they have dated for nearly 2 years; some of our wedding guests have already met her; we think they are living together or practically living together. But the bottom line is that we do not consider her as family, and he is being very pushy against our wishes.

We really want FFIL to attend all of our wedding festivities and be happy -- we want him to be there to help out with the wedding, get ready with the guys, to make a toast, to take family photos. FFIL's relationship with my fiance's brother & sister has been rocky since the divorce, and we see this as a great opportunity for him to reconnect with his children again -- drink with his sons and daugther, dance with his grandkids, etc.

FFIL is very stubborn about bringing her, and we do not understand why he feels that he cannot show up without her. He mentioned that he doesn't want this to 'set a precedent' (I suppose he means for his daughter's wedding or his grandkids' birthdays?). But we think he should get used to attending some of these events alone if he wants to remain close with his children & grandchildren. Anyway, our engagement party and wedding is not the time or place for him to try to get people to get to know his girlfriend better, especially if they have no interest in doing so.

FFIL also told my fiance that it's not fair that he can't bring a date, and that he doesn't want to be 'alone' at our wedding (even though his children, grandchildren, brother, and nieces with be there). And he also said that he was afraid his girlfriend would be upset at him and will leave him if she's not invited -- we have a hard time believing this; even though we do not know her very well, she has been divorced for a long time, her own children are grown-up, and she seems to have a healthy perspective on divorce (it's one of the things we admire about her the most). We suspect that FFIL has not brought the subject up to her, because we think that she would agree not to attend, on her own, if she knew the situation (who would insist to attend a wedding that she is not invited to?)

What should we do? Has anyone faced something similar?

I had a similar situation with my mom and dad. They are divorced a few years and my father is already re-married. My mom hasn't dated at all since the divorce and gets very emotional around my father. My mom started some drama and almost ruined my bridal shower surprise because she found out my father's wife was going.

Your ffil seems a lot like my father...very stubborn! What if you called the girlfriend and had a woman to woman conversation about the wedding and how you really don't want to have to deal with an awkward situation on your wedding day.

Being that she has been divorced a longer time than your ffil she might be more understanding about your decision.

I'm sure everything in the end will work out fine.

I didn't even finish reading everything you wrote cause you are 100% right in not inviting her.
Two years is not a long time after 30 years of Marriage and if your FMIL doesn't want her there and the family doesn't and most of all you don't... she shouldn't be there.
My FH's cousin got Married and her Parents were divorced for YEARS and she wouldn't allow the Father (of the Bride) to have his GF there.
You are the Bride... He is the Groom... His father needs to get that and respect it!
Hope that helps!

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Posted by karebear

We are happy that FFIL is happy, and that he has moved on to a new life with his new girlfriend -- but we see him as having two families now - his children are his 'old family' and his girlfriend and her children are his 'new family'. Are we asking too much that he keep these families separate?

What should we do? Has anyone faced something similar?

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I agree that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but this is the part that got to me - it seems like FFIL's GF is a big part of his life and will continue to be. As you get married and holidays and other family events come up, it will continue to be difficult to always keep FFIL and his GF separate from FMIL. (Especially if there are grandchildren with school events, sports etc. in the future). Its much easier for FILs friends to keep them separate than it will be for immediate family. I am married to a man with children and I know that his ex and I will have to cross paths for the rest of our lives. If FH and his father are close, he might have to start accepting the GF as 'family' to maintain a good relationship with his father. I understand not wanting FMIL to feel uncomfortable, but both FILs should realize that this is YOUR day and not make any comments about who is and who isn't invited. Like I said at the beginning, you should do what makes both of YOU happy and not worry about anyone else, but I knwo that can be difficult. I would just consider that this woman may be around for a long time and if she's family to FFIL, then maybe she should be accepted by the rest of the family too.

ETA: Maybe 2 years isn't a very long time, but I've been married now for 2 months and my DH and I haven't even passed the 2 year anniversary of when we met.

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Posted by chilly313

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Posted by karebear

We are happy that FFIL is happy, and that he has moved on to a new life with his new girlfriend -- but we see him as having two families now - his children are his 'old family' and his girlfriend and her children are his 'new family'. Are we asking too much that he keep these families separate?

What should we do? Has anyone faced something similar?

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I agree that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but this is the part that got to me - it seems like FFIL's GF is a big part of his life and will continue to be. As you get married and holidays and other family events come up, it will continue to be difficult to always keep FFIL and his GF separate from FMIL. (Especially if there are grandchildren with school events, sports etc. in the future). Its much easier for FILs friends to keep them separate than it will be for immediate family. I am married to a man with children and I know that his ex and I will have to cross paths for the rest of our lives. If FH and his father are close, he might have to start accepting the GF as 'family' to maintain a good relationship with his father. I understand not wanting FMIL to feel uncomfortable, but both FILs should realize that this is YOUR day and not make any comments about who is and who isn't invited. Like I said at the beginning, you should do what makes both of YOU happy and not worry about anyone else, but I knwo that can be difficult. I would just consider that this woman may be around for a long time and if she's family to FFIL, then maybe she should be accepted by the rest of the family too.

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I kind of agree. This might be the first major event, but it's not the last. FMIL is going to have to learn to live with it. I wouldn't invite her to the shower, or eparty but I would probably invite her to the wedding.

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Posted by chilly313

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Posted by karebear

We are happy that FFIL is happy, and that he has moved on to a new life with his new girlfriend -- but we see him as having two families now - his children are his 'old family' and his girlfriend and her children are his 'new family'. Are we asking too much that he keep these families separate?

What should we do? Has anyone faced something similar?

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I agree that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but this is the part that got to me - it seems like FFIL's GF is a big part of his life and will continue to be. As you get married and holidays and other family events come up, it will continue to be difficult to always keep FFIL and his GF separate from FMIL. (Especially if there are grandchildren with school events, sports etc. in the future). Its much easier for FILs friends to keep them separate than it will be for immediate family. I am married to a man with children and I know that his ex and I will have to cross paths for the rest of our lives. If FH and his father are close, he might have to start accepting the GF as 'family' to maintain a good relationship with his father. I understand not wanting FMIL to feel uncomfortable, but both FILs should realize that this is YOUR day and not make any comments about who is and who isn't invited. Like I said at the beginning, you should do what makes both of YOU happy and not worry about anyone else, but I knwo that can be difficult. I would just consider that this woman may be around for a long time and if she's family to FFIL, then maybe she should be accepted by the rest of the family too.

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This is a sticky situation but I kind of agree with the above poster. Do they live together and/or planning on getting married down the road? Unfortunately, there will be occasions that they will cross paths in the future. Sorry you guys are stuck in the middle.

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Posted by chilly313

I agree that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but this is the part that got to me - it seems like FFIL's GF is a big part of his life and will continue to be. As you get married and holidays and other family events come up, it will continue to be difficult to always keep FFIL and his GF separate from FMIL. (Especially if there are grandchildren with school events, sports etc. in the future). Its much easier for FILs friends to keep them separate than it will be for immediate family. I am married to a man with children and I know that his ex and I will have to cross paths for the rest of our lives. If FH and his father are close, he might have to start accepting the GF as 'family' to maintain a good relationship with his father. I understand not wanting FMIL to feel uncomfortable, but both FILs should realize that this is YOUR day and not make any comments about who is and who isn't invited. Like I said at the beginning, you should do what makes both of YOU happy and not worry about anyone else, but I knwo that can be difficult. I would just consider that this woman may be around for a long time and if she's family to FFIL, then maybe she should be accepted by the rest of the family too.

ETA: Maybe 2 years isn't a very long time, but I've been married now for 2 months and my DH and I haven't even passed the 2 year anniversary of when we met.

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Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

It has been such a difficult decision to make bc we know that GF is a big part of his life now. However, we know my future BIL and future SIL do not want her to be a part of their lives/families, so as a consequence, FFIL had not seen his 3 year old granddaugther in over 2 years and did not meet his 3 month old grandchild until recently. Future BIL and FFIL recently put their differences aside and reconciled so that the kids could get to know their grandfather, and we are hoping that our wedding activities will bring them even closer - but we think that having his GF around will be a huge barrier because they do not want to get to know her or welcome her into their lives.

Ultimately, we do not want to break FMIL's heart during what is supposed to be a happy occassion - our engagement/wedding. If it was my own mother, I could never invite someone to my wedding if I knew it would hurt my mother -- even if she gave me permission to invite them! It wouldn't be worth it to me.

SIGH.

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Posted by Bride2Be78

This is a sticky situation but I kind of agree with the above poster. Do they live together and/or planning on getting married down the road? Unfortunately, there will be occasions that they will cross paths in the future. Sorry you guys are stuck in the middle.

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It was the first thing that FH asked FFIL - he said no, he is not going to marry her. They have separate homes and spend time at both.

We feel like someone is going to be disappointed in us, no matter what.

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Posted by FutureMrsGTL

Put yourself in your FFIL's shoes for a minute, before you and FH got engaged, im sure he was pretty important to you, how would you feel if someone did this to you? probably pretty bad and you would be angry that someone was disrespecting your relationship and the importance of your significant other.

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I feel like we are stuck between choosing to hurt his father or hurt his mother.

We don't mean to disrespect her or his relationship with her. Surprisingly, he is actually the one that brought up the subject first -- right after we got engaged, we went to visit him and he said 'What am I going to do about GF?' and that's how we started talking about having GF and FMIL in the same room. We had no intention to talk about it yet bc we had only been engaged for like 48 hrs, there was no wedding date set, and we were even thinking about eloping to avoid the drama, but we took the opportunity to discuss it since he was the one acknowledging the problem. But now that we asked him to attend without her, and he doesn't have to debate it on his own, he is upset with us.

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Posted by tbmaz2011
What if you called the girlfriend and had a woman to woman conversation about the wedding and how you really don't want to have to deal with an awkward situation on your wedding day.

Being that she has been divorced a longer time than your ffil she might be more understanding about your decision.

I'm sure everything in the end will work out fine.

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Thanks - we are thinking about talking to her separately so she knows that we like her and don't mean to offend her, but we don't want so much drama on our wedding day.

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Posted by karebear

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Posted by chilly313

I agree that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but this is the part that got to me - it seems like FFIL's GF is a big part of his life and will continue to be. As you get married and holidays and other family events come up, it will continue to be difficult to always keep FFIL and his GF separate from FMIL. (Especially if there are grandchildren with school events, sports etc. in the future). Its much easier for FILs friends to keep them separate than it will be for immediate family. I am married to a man with children and I know that his ex and I will have to cross paths for the rest of our lives. If FH and his father are close, he might have to start accepting the GF as 'family' to maintain a good relationship with his father. I understand not wanting FMIL to feel uncomfortable, but both FILs should realize that this is YOUR day and not make any comments about who is and who isn't invited. Like I said at the beginning, you should do what makes both of YOU happy and not worry about anyone else, but I knwo that can be difficult. I would just consider that this woman may be around for a long time and if she's family to FFIL, then maybe she should be accepted by the rest of the family too.

ETA: Maybe 2 years isn't a very long time, but I've been married now for 2 months and my DH and I haven't even passed the 2 year anniversary of when we met.

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Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

It has been such a difficult decision to make bc we know that GF is a big part of his life now. However, we know my future BIL and future SIL do not want her to be a part of their lives/families, so as a consequence, FFIL had not seen his 3 year old granddaugther in over 2 years and did not meet his 3 month old grandchild until recently. Future BIL and FFIL recently put their differences aside and reconciled so that the kids could get to know their grandfather, and we are hoping that our wedding activities will bring them even closer - but we think that having his GF around will be a huge barrier because they do not want to get to know her or welcome her into their lives.

Ultimately, we do not want to break FMIL's heart during what is supposed to be a happy occassion - our engagement/wedding. If it was my own mother, I could never invite someone to my wedding if I knew it would hurt my mother -- even if she gave me permission to invite them! It wouldn't be worth it to me.

SIGH.

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I think that's a real shame that BIL & SIL kept their children from meeting their grandfather. And I guess I don't understand the animosity towards FFIL's GF. Is it her fault that FILs divorced? If not, then I can't see being angry at FFIL for being happy and moving on with his life. I am a big believer in inviting everyone you want to be there and letting each person make their own decision on whether or not they want to be there - and to expect that they can act with grace and dignity and not make anyone else feel bad for being happy. (And I think SO's should also be invited, if its a well established relationship. Like a previous poster pointed out, I would think you would feel hurt if you weren't invited to an important event in FH's family before you were engaged). The focus should be on you and your FH, not any one else's feelings.

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Posted by chilly313

I think that's a real shame that BIL & SIL kept their children from meeting their grandfather. And I guess I don't understand the animosity towards FFIL's GF. Is it her fault that FILs divorced? If not, then I can't see being angry at FFIL for being happy and moving on with his life. I am a big believer in inviting everyone you want to be there and letting each person make their own decision on whether or not they want to be there - and to expect that they can act with grace and dignity and not make anyone else feel bad for being happy. (And I think SO's should also be invited, if its a well established relationship. Like a previous poster pointed out, I would think you would feel hurt if you weren't invited to an important event in FH's family before you were engaged). The focus should be on you and your FH, not any one else's feelings.

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The more comments I receive, the more I realize that there's so much family history/drama behind the bad feelings. The big ugly argument that caused the family fall out was a two-way street, and they both kind of disowned each other - so FFIL did not want to see BIL and vice versa; BIL/SIL did not purposely keep the kids away from the grandfather, and FFIL did not ask to see his grandkids, or call them or send bday cards or anything.

I think everyone have valid points here. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you were pretty clear(after giving it serious thought and consideration) that you both decided that you didn't want her to be invited. It's YOUR (and FH) day and YOUR decision. I also don't want to seem insensitive, but your FFIL needs to respect your wishes, but at the same time your FMIL needs to move on and accept the situation. It's a sad situation for ALL of you. It isn't just hard on one person and people have to understand that life is going to go on. They aren't being respectful of you guys. It seems like everyone is thinking of themselves. It's a very important day in your lives and outside sources are creating a lot of stress for you guys. I'm sorry I don't have much advice. I just think it's a situation that doesn't a right or wrong answer.

Hopefully you can all get passed it and have a wonderful, memorable day full of love

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Posted by karebear

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Posted by FutureMrsGTL

Put yourself in your FFIL's shoes for a minute, before you and FH got engaged, im sure he was pretty important to you, how would you feel if someone did this to you? probably pretty bad and you would be angry that someone was disrespecting your relationship and the importance of your significant other.

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I feel like we are stuck between choosing to hurt his father or hurt his mother.

We don't mean to disrespect her or his relationship with her. Surprisingly, he is actually the one that brought up the subject first -- right after we got engaged, we went to visit him and he said 'What am I going to do about GF?' and that's how we started talking about having GF and FMIL in the same room. We had no intention to talk about it yet bc we had only been engaged for like 48 hrs, there was no wedding date set, and we were even thinking about eloping to avoid the drama, but we took the opportunity to discuss it since he was the one acknowledging the problem. But now that we asked him to attend without her, and he doesn't have to debate it on his own, he is upset with us.

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It stinks that they are making you feel that you need to choose between the two thats not fair to you or especially FH. Has FH tried talking to his mom? I mean my mom doesnt care for my step mom and doesn't speak to her either, but they can act like adults and be in the same room together for the sake of me and my siblings.

Sorry to hear about all this drama and I know this is your decision... so stick with it.

I would probably invite GF at the wish of FFIL because I would want everyone to grow up and just deal with it. It's your day not their day.