Finances and families... please help with advice!

Hi everyone,

I am hoping you can help me with any advice! My FI and I got engaged about one month ago. We have very different family backgrounds. We are both Jewish but I am not from NY and he is. My parents are divorced, and my dad and my stepmom are divorced. My family is generally less traditional than his. My mother offered to give a small amount of money, what she is able to offer, for our wedding. My stepmom offered to pay the same amount. My father, who has generally been unreliable, does not have anything to help us. I am perfectly willing to contribute to our wedding, although I just got out of grad school a few years ago and don't have much of a savings.

My FI's parents have the expectation that the wedding will be paid for entirely by the parents, and primarily the bride's parents. Their view is that the parents throw the party, so that the 'kids' can start their lives together without having to invest in that. They have passed on this view to their son, my FI.

My FI is doing his best to deal with the situation, but he feels caught in the middle. He has explained the financial situation of my family to his parents. They don't want us to have to contribute, but they also have not offered to contribute yet. My FI said that it is their view that the parents talk and figure this out and 'throw the party' for the 'kids' although we are both in our 30s.

I am trying to be realistic and accepting of the situation with my family, and want to begin planning and budgeting. But we can't do that without knowing what his parents want to contribute. He thinks his view and his parents' view is typical in NY. SOOO.. is he right?

I am looking for any thoughts on this issue or how to handle the finances when the parents have different views on who should pay for what, or who is able to provide for what...

Thanks and sorry for long post!

sorry you're in this situation.

but i don't think its up to your FH's family to say what they think your family and your and your FH can contribute to the wedding. tradition or not--this is 2008 and weddings are expensive. if your parents are not able to afford to give you the money for the wedding, then they just can't do it. i think that you need to sit down with your FH and let him know that this is how it will be and you can't look a gift horse in the mouth.

to be perfectly honest, in this day and age, traditions of who pays have just about gone out the window. you guys are fortunate that your mom and & step-mom are offering to help at all. your FH really needs to see this -- and appreciate that they are probably giving this with all their heart. your FH and you have to sit down with your FILs and tell them that you WILL be contributing to the wedding yourselves if they do not want to do so, for tradition's sake. if they really don't want you hvaing to pay for it--then they will kick in.

i think a majority of couples these days opt to pay for their own weddings....and families give what they can.

First they need to get over the fact that the brides parents pay for the whole wedding. Times have changed and weddings are very expensive now and the brides parents cant be expected to pay for the whole thing. That is a tradition that is slowly dying and yes even in NY.

Actually, if you look around on this site and see past posts about this you will see that MANY of the brides on here are paying for the weddings themselves along with their FH. Then you'll see many on here who both bride and groom pay for a majority and family from both sides or one side contribute towards certain things. Infact you dont see it often where the brides parents pay for the whole wedding, ive been on these boards for almost 2 years and ive seen that happening alot less than couples paying for it themselves, or with some help from family.

Etiquette has changed. WHat i would do is you and your fh figuring out how much you both can contribute towards the wedding. Then include what your family is giving you. Have your FH find out if his family will contribute anything, if so then add that too. This way you'll know what budget you have for the wedding and be able to plan based off of that

But many times you'll see that one side doesnt want to contribute and honestly nothing you can do and they dont have to. Many times one side would love to but financially they just might not be able to, and it cant be expected if so. Other times yeah they just dont want to and again nobody is obligated to contribute.

eek....you are caught between two generations really.
This is what I would do, I would look at any alternative weddings. Would a destination work? you could just bring 20 people, and the cost to you is very low.
Believe it or not, there are some very cool things you can do in vegas, and prices for wedding stuff are very low there.Or maybe on a cruise?
I fear if you have a traditional LI catering hall wedding, that costs 10-20-30 K, you will get no peace. Both sides have different expectations, neither is wrong per se, but they are going to have to cut you some slack.

You can't guess how much the future family is going to pay. And again it's a gift you would need to wait to see what they come foward with. I would plan the wedding that you can afford. Anything you receive after that will be gifts to you.
I am not sure of the timeline you were thinking but since you just graduated you can get a good job & maybe plan a 2year engagment.

We our planning our own wedding for 200 people. My In-laws have not given us anything yet nor has my stepmom. (my dad is deceased)
My mom gave us some which covered our flowers & alittle extra. You can't go by traditions anymore..times are rough.
Good Luck to you!

I don't think it is a 'NY' view, I think its the old generation view. My parents are very old fashion, and they are paying for the wedding. However, FH & I do need to contribute $$$ in some areas. Also, his parents offered to pay for the epary and rehersal dinner. So I lucked out that everyone wanted to help out.

Personally, I would just sit down with them and ask them. If they have a problem with you paying for the wedding then thats THEIR problem, not yours. I know its tough, but I would talk this out asap.

I don't really think it's a generation or a NY view. Both mine and my FH's parents are very old-fashioned and especially so because they lived in Russia for about 40 years, and things there are more traditional.
However when it came time for the wedding, my parents said that they will cover half and the rest is up to us. His parents have offered to pay for the other half right away as well.
We're not taking money from them because a) they don't really have a lot and b) they have another son in college who's an expense right now.
I think it just depends on the people. It's horrible they're putting you in that position. I was reading another bride's idea of just a cocktail wedding. That should help keep costs down.
But yeah, this is a time when two families come together as one, I'm sorry it's not going that way for you. Hopefully your FH can set them straight because right now it seems as though it's causing alot of negative feelings.
I don't necessarily know if you should partake in that conversation (with the parents), because it might drive a wedge between you guys. So approach that one with caution!

That is not a good situation but I understand b/c I am in a similar one. His parents think my parents should foot the bill... and my parents are not helping at all. I think its very old school to think the brides parents will foot the entire bill for the wedding. This tradition came about b/c the husband and his family would be taking care of the wife from then on so the brides parents would in turn pay for the wedding and give a dowry to them for taking on this responsbility. NOW with most women working full time and the 2 income family its hardly fair to think one family should foot the entire bill. Ideally it would be a contribution from both families and the couple. Of course not every family can afford this so sadly the burden ends up on the happy couple trying to get married... and thats where we are.

I don't know if you can make FH or his family understand this but I spoke to FH and his family about this. I explained the history of how the brides parents paying for it came about and how its outdated now b/c FH and I pay for everything 50-50, so why would my parents foot the entire bill. They seem to understand but still are not offering to help us so now FH and I are paying for everything.

Good luck!!!!!

I know how this can definitely affect the whole 'planning' of a wedding.

Me and FH are both footing the bill for this wedding. His dad is deceased and his mom offered to give us money instead of throwing an actual 'e-party' and she said it was to put towards whatever we needed it for.
Unfortunately, my parents cannot afford to contribute. The one thing my mom is set on taking care of is my dress and veil (they are from the older tradition where if they had the $$ they would have probably helped pay the bill).

Other than than FH and I are splitting the bill but since he makes 3x what I do, unfortunately my contributions cannot be as much as him but I give as much as I can (while still paying bills).

All that matters in the end is that you each put together the wedding of your dreams b/c this is the day all of us have been waiting for our entire lives.

So, FH and I know we may not be able to buy a house right away so we will be renting an apt. We will still be together either way, that is all that matters.

You should just sit down with you fmil and ffil and tell them that what they give has absolutely no bearing on what your parents are capable of giving, and vice versa. They should give what they feel comfortable giving and stop getting involved in things they shouldnt be inolved in (your parents finances)

and yes,that tradition has died in ny. our families are splitting it down the middle (but thats because both of our families are both financially capable). some couples partially pay for the wedding and some fully pay for the wedding.

My FH and I will be engadged for 2.5years before we are married. We started planning/paying for the wedding by ourselves and my father is offering to 'pay for some' but what that some is, we haven't been told yet. His parents haven't offered anything yet and I get the feeling that they think it's up to my parents.

My best advice is to plan your wedding with whatever you know you have now; the gifts you've all ready rec'd and what you and your FH are able to contribute. If his parents do decide to give anything or anyone else contribuetes a little bit more later on, then either a) put it towards what you have all ready planned saving yourself money or b)put it towards somthing 'extra' to the wedding that you weren't planning on.

This is what we have decided to do, and we've payed for a few things all ready (it is still early in our wedding planning) and neither side knows who's actually paid what b/c if they are not contributing then we felt they had no right to know how much or who paid for what. If we do recieve a gift of money, we will tell them where that money went however, but not say if it is something we had planned for or an extra.

I feel for you...honestly though...those old 'parents pay' traditions are long gone... For some of us (myself NOT included) are parents have the money to do so but in todays world it doesnt happen so often. Is it possible to have a sit down and talk about the options? Dont be ashamed about your families financial issues. I know that if my parents had the money to pay for it all they would. I must say though...this past year...saving with my fh to do it ourselves is very rewarding and give me the hope and faith to know that we will be successful in our future together. If we can save all this money in 1 year...a lifetime will be very prosperous for us! Good luck!

Some traditions just fade out, and it's harder to understand for those who still think that what was good for them still happens today. If it is on you to pay then make sure you do it YOUR WAY! Both sets of parents gave us a generous donation & we have run into a problem with that. My parents want us to do with it as we please & his felt that it was a way to put their two cents in over everything. Not that it isn't welcomed, but I thought it was a gift not a bribe. Stand your ground, and explain to your FH that he is marrying you for you and not the money you have or haven't.
Like I often have said... 'All I care about is marrying him... the actual ceremony of matrimony... all the rest is fluff!'


Good Luck!