First official FMIL vent... (a little long)

Ok, so my father passed away almost 2 years ago and as of right now, I have decided not to do the parent dances. I could change my mind b/c my mom and I have been discussing dancing together, but we don't want to make the day any more difficult than it already will be, so it will be a last minute decision. I told FH this over a year ago, that I wasn't comfortable doing the dances and I hope that him and his mother understood. They could dance all night and have as many pics of them as they want, but I didn't want to make it a spotlight dance. FH said he completely understood and even told me his mom was fine with it.

Well, then a friend of mine who's mom has mutual friends of FMIL told me that through the grapevine she found out that FMIL is adamant about dancing with her son and she's been dreaming of the day she got to dance with him at his wedding. Apparently she was going on and on to people about it and how disappointed she is, etc. Now, I understand her being upset and/or disappointed that we aren't doing the dances, but think of me and the fact that I don't have my father to dance with at all. I figured she would have a little more compassion and understanding, as FH does and I thought she originally did. I haven't told my mom ( I hope she doesn't read this!) b/c she isn't crazy about FMIL to begin with.

I had a dream the other night that I mentioned it to FH and even confronted FMIL about it, but I don't think that is the right thing to do. I was just wondering if anyone thought I should approach the subject with FH at least? It's really bothering me that his mother feels that way and she's going around telling other people about it. Thanks for letting me vent and for your opinions!!

First, let me tell you that I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I am in the same boat as you- my dad passed away 3 years ago. I know that times like this make it even harder.

My situation is the opposite.... My FMIL offered to skip the mother/son dance in order to make things easier for me. However, I really want them to have that dance and I didn't want to take that away from either of them. Even though, I know they both offered to exclude that. I have decided to dance the father/daughter dance with my brother.I know that it won't be easy but I didnt want to take anything away from FH and his mom. And I wanted to dance in honor of my dad.

I'm not saying at all that you are wrong for not wanting them to do this dance. I completely understand where you are coming from-entirely. But as hard as the situation is- you might have to respect the importance of the dance to FMIL. I think if I were you, I'd sit down and have a heart to heart with her. You don't want to start off your marriage on bad terms with her. Just my opinion. HTH's!!

first off to you - i am sorry to hear about your loss (it must be very difficult) this is a sticky situation I do feel your FMIL should have told you her true feelings about not having a dance at all rather than hear it from the grapevine (that is bit offensive) although it doesnt sound like she wanted to offend you- yet honesty could have helped I would have a serious conversation with her about the whole thing- there really isnt a right or wrong answer about your feelings and her feelings it is more about being open & upfront

good luck to you!

I'm sorry about your father!!

I lost my father it'll be 18 years in May and we weren't going to do dances, but I'm dancing with my mother, since my father won't be there. I understand where you are coming from and all, but I wouldn't want my FMIL to miss out dancing with her son because my father wasn't there. Nor miss out dancing with your mother!!




FM me if you need to talk!!

I am so sorry to hear that your father passed, even if it was 2 years ago. It has to be very hard toplan such a joyous event without your dear father.

I am also struggling with this issue. My father is just a dead beat and has never been apart of my life. FH and I decided we would scratch parent dances when we planned the reception because I felt like I would feel very very left out without a father/daughter dance. I don't want to have to explain that my dad is very much alive and just a dead beat.

FMIL is adamant about the mother/son dance, but will not allow us to put photos of her husband, who passed away, at our wedding in remembrance. This is important to my FH. I feel like she is getting everything she wants, the way she wants it and I just want to shake her into convulsions.

She is telling my FH he can't have a piece of his father at our wedding because it will cause her to grieve her husband, but it doesn't matter that I feel left out of the parent dances? HMMM

I say, as long as your FMIL never says a peep to you about how she feels, let it go. I understand how you feel and that it is very hurtful. It is even more ridiculous that people told you what she is saying and upset you. It is absolutely ok for her to be hurt, but she really should consider your feelings and the fact it could get back to you!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with what some of the other girls have posted. Even though it might be hard for you, try to put yourself in the place of your FMIL. I guess it comes down to being respectful of each others feelings. If your FMIL feels like this is something really important to her, you might want to let her have her moment.

Maybe you can dedicate your father and daughter dance to your dad and dance with your mother or you FH during that time. That way, you are honoring your father as well.

This song is really beautiful and makes me cry whenever I hear it and its very touching. you can consider it if you'd like.

Dance with My Father - by Luthor Vandross
Dance with my Father Lyrics

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. I know that I need to consider FMIL feelings in this. I understand it is something that she has looked forward to his whole life, as I have looked forward to dancing with my father. I just hope she understands my side of this also, which I'm not sure of b/c of other things that have been said and done since my father passed.

My mom has been talking more about us dancing recently, which she was more against at first b/c she knew it would be difficult for us. We might do it, it's a definite possibility, like I had mentioned before. I just thought that if I had FH on my side and he's fine with not dancing (he said he doesn't want anymore attention on him then there already will be), that his mother would understand too.

I have 8 months to make this decision. I was just hurt by FMIL talking about it behind my back. She should have known the person who she told, would get it back to me. Unless that was her plan all along! I just don't know if I should mention it to FH. I'm not trying to start a fight, just have everyone understand the other.

grrr she makes me so mad!!! sorry i didn't see this till today - you can bet i'll be calling you!!

basically she is just being childish. she is complaining b/c she has nothing better to talk about. it's all about her, blah blah blah. at least she hasn't said anything to your face yet - deep down she probably knows she's in the wrong which is why she hasn't!!

you're 100% right to feel this way - and as long as FH stands by you everything should be fine.

ETA: the other posters gave you good advice, it's just that i think it's hard to understand unless you truly know this woman.

I AM SO sorry for your loss i cant even imagine how hard it is for you

but i do have to say that im sorry but i think they should still be able to do their dance. Why dont you dance with your mom? ive seen this done. Personally for me, i would be of course sympathetic to the situation but dancing with my father is such a huge thing and these are things parents look forward to since we are kids. I wouldn't want someone to take away from me something ive been looking forward to all my life, i think even if i agreed a part of me would be heart broken.

I think you dancing with your mom would be great, you two have been there for eachother all this time so it would be a great moment