FMIL drama

im going to start this by saying its always been a personal rule of mine not to vent online, leave all the drama off facebook and LIW but i just cant help it this time, and i figure if anyone out there can understand it has to be other brides - also sorry if this is long

so anyway me and FH are having some issues with his mom. i'm just gonna preface by saying she is an extremely negative person, in 2 years i've never seen her smile once shes the type of person to always find something she doesnt like (i think Kayne West has a song about her ) anyway the drama started right after we got engaged where she decided to let FH know exactly what she thinks of me and it wasnt pretty (long story short she thinks FH is marrying down and I'm not good enough for him) anyway i can ignore her opinion of me because honestly i dont care, i've never been the type to let peoples opinions affect me but the real drama is stemming from the wedding date. FH is a Merchant Marine and works out of the gulf so i had to look at halls alone, we knew we really wanted Oct 8th from the start and when i was at a hall it was brought to my attention that 10/8/11 is Yom Kippur. Since FMIL used to be jewish and converted when FH was 3 (25 years ago) i didnt think it would be an issue but just to be sure i called her and asked if she minded us having our wedding during Yom Kippuer and she laughed and said 'ofcourse not honey i havent celebrated in over 20 years!' so i figured that was my greenlight to go ahead with Oct 8th as the date. that night i left my deposit with the hall (a non-refundable deposit) and ever since FMIL has been b*tching to everyone in earshot that she was never asked if she minded it being on a jewish holiday and we went behind her back. i'm annoyed by this because A) she was asked B) she said nothing till AFTER i made the non-refundable deposit and started leaving deposits with other vendors C) my parents are paying for the entire wedding and his folks arent contributing and D) most importantly shes no longer jewish so im really not sure why its a big deal? FH assured me no one in his family has celebrated any jewish holdiays since he was basically a toddler so why is it offensive to her that we picked this weekend now? well now FMIL is saying that she wont come to our RD if we do it the friday before (10/7/11) and may not come to our wedding because shes really offended we chose Yom Kippur

i dont even have a question i guess i'm just looking for advice on how to deal with this? it just seems so crazy (and trust me shes a crazy one without being provoked - but im pretty sure i didnt provoke her) plus its causing me and FH to argue because FMIL will say something really hurtful and insulting to my face and i dont know how to respond so i just kinda laugh it off and he doesnt defend me, hes in an akward position and so am I. shes just sucking the fun out of wedding planning and its really frustrating!!

sorry for the long vent

if that was my family, id be disowned lol. but that's bc my family is Jewish. it's the holiest of holy days pretty much. so if anyone is going to celebrate any day, its that one.

but if you dont have any relatives that are Jewish, then theres no problem at all. it's obvious that she's just starting drama. she was asked and said it was fine. i'd just have FH deal w her from now on. ugh..and if she doesn't come...will you be sad? :)

ok...i know, but really wouldn't it be great if the negative people just stayed away from us?

I guess it depends on what you want to do ...

i know you said the hall was not refundable ... but you should probably be able to switch the date (you're not asking for a refund, just a change). it would suck to have to switch all other vendors, but if you really want to end the drama (and gain some brownie points with FMIL) then you could do that.

option #2 involves your FH speaking to his mom one-on-one (you shouldn't be there) and telling her that he's extremely offended because of all the drama she's causing even though she doesn't even celebrate the holiday.

option #3 is to just ignore her and continue planning. stop talking to her about the wedding and she can make her decision about whether to attend when the invitations are out. But if you choose this, you will need to make sure your FH is on board with the plan too.

regardless, best of luck! sounds like you have a real 'winner' to deal wtih ....

Wow, I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

I guess talk to FH and see how he feels. If it were me, I think I'd just continue with my plans and let her deal with it how she chooses to. She has to live with it, not you.

If it really bothers FH I guess I'd find out if you could pick a different date for the wedding.

Best of luck!

---

Posted by AwaitingAugust

option #3 is to just ignore her and continue planning. stop talking to her about the wedding and she can make her decision about whether to attend when the invitations are out. But if you choose this, you will need to make sure your FH is on board with the plan too.

regardless, best of luck! sounds like you have a real 'winner' to deal wtih ....

---

That is what I have had to do. I smile when I see her and she knows it is forced, but she strained our relationship so much that she broke it. FH is sad, but understands that I cannot deal with a lying manipulator.

did you talk to her yet and call her out on it? i would set her up, put her in front of FH and say 'oh dont you remember whne i called you and you said sure its ok honey i havent celebrated in 20 years?' reminder her of this comment over and over, and stand your ground and if she doesnt like tell her she is more than welcome to choose a day she has not celebrated in over 20 years over her sons wedding, but she will regret it in the long run.

BE FIRM! But be sweet and use her own tactics against her!

thats a horrible thing to deal with.. makes sure a happy time in your life some what tainted! im so sorry for that because you and every bride desreves are own time to enjoy and celebrate this big step in their life!!!

YOU CALLED HER AND ASKED! are you going to have to tape record her now when you speak to her? <~~ maybe an idea just so your not the crazy one.. but really if you fight back you start to look bad if you see how she is im pretty sure everyone else does as well! so do your day and as long as FH and you are set ont he date nothing else matters .. im sure she wouldnt miss her sonds wedding! and if she does thats the begin of the end of a relationship between them sadly!

i hope everything works out and im sorry your going through this!

thank you all so much

ive spoken to FH about this several times and his response is always the same 'please ignore my mother shes crazy' so thats what im gonna continue to do. i just needed to vent a little and get it off my chest - we've asked her right after we booked and she started complaing if she wanted us to switch the date and her response was along the lines of dont do it on my account citing that she hasnt been jewish in years and doesnt celebrate. but then she whines and complains to everyone that she wants to have the option to celebrate Yom Kippur next year if she so chooses - my feelings on this is that for the last 25 years shes opted not to celebrate so why would she want to celebrate in 2011? it doesnt make any sense to me

as FH says if it wasnt the date something else would be offending her. it just makes me sad that there is someone out there (a very important someone i might add) who is so negative and blantanly unhappy about our wedding.

First off if FMIL blatantly says something rude/insulting/offensive FH should defend you, or not speak to her

Second have you tried directly addressing her and saying 'hey (insert name here) when we spoke you told me 'why would I care? I haven't celebrated that holiday in 20 years''?' Cause its easy to go around talking crap but much harder to deny a conversation you so clearly had with someone, you deliberately asked her b4 putting a deposit, if
she denies that that's just ridic.


And lastlly If that didn't work personally I'd tell FH to be like 'MA we haven't celebrated that holiday in 20 years why are you making a big deal?'


Yea that's annoying she's just tryin to make problems, if you do any of these things or whatever you do just treat her very matter of factly don't play her game, she's wants you to loose your cool and be nasty.