FMIL Issues

if she isnt paying for anything, she has no say - thats how i feel
my mom asked if i wanted to put my inlaws on the invitation - i said HELL NO
they arent paying for anything so im not putting their names on

okay -- here's the story ---- When we originally booked the hall, we all came to an agreement that my parents would pay for the wedding itself, and between his parents and us -- we would split the costs of everything else (flowers, limos, photog., etc). WELL -- FH calls me one day saying how his mom knows this florist and wants to set up an apt. where we can all go and meet with them and see what they have to offer. SO I said, 'ok let me check what time my mom is available' because I really didnt think there was an issue with her coming along -- I want my mom's opinions and she wants to help with the planning. So FH calls me back saying his mother does not want my family present for any of the vendors that they paying for with us because she feels that their expenses are none of my parent's business. SO THATS WHEN I FLIPPED OUT!!!!

SO NOW -- my parents are pissed at them too....and basically told his family that they are now going to pay for my family's guests and everything else (flowers, photos, limos) and his parents are responsible for paying for their family's guests.

So -- i know i have to put her name on the invites since she is paying for her guests....but do I have to include her in planning other things?


SOrry so long

I have problems with FMIL as well. And I agree with Nicole that you have to have him put her in line NOW, or else he'll never do it.

I got into a tiff with my FMIL over the type of dress I AM WEARING!!! lol, and she is not paying for!!!! So I told FH that he has to approach her about what boundaries she can cross, because if I (or you) try to do that it'll just cause a family war. He has a relationship with her, you are the newcomer, she will take it easier coming from him, and he has to do that!

And I hate to say it, but unfortunately when someone is paying for something, they will always feel like they can take control of what they want to buy. That is why FH and I are paying for things. Maybe it would be better if she just paid for her guests, not your vendors? But she still has no right to say your family cannot be involved because shes paying for it. Thats where FH needs to step in!

FM me anytime to vent! I know how it is! HTH

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Posted by mnucci

okay -- here's the story ---- When we originally booked the hall, we all came to an agreement that my parents would pay for the wedding itself, and between his parents and us -- we would split the costs of everything else (flowers, limos, photog., etc). WELL -- FH calls me one day saying how his mom knows this florist and wants to set up an apt. where we can all go and meet with them and see what they have to offer. SO I said, 'ok let me check what time my mom is available' because I really didnt think there was an issue with her coming along -- I want my mom's opinions and she wants to help with the planning. So FH calls me back saying his mother does not want my family present for any of the vendors that they paying for with us because she feels that their expenses are none of my parent's business. SO THATS WHEN I FLIPPED OUT!!!!

SO NOW -- my parents are pissed at them too....and basically told his family that they are now going to pay for my family's guests and everything else (flowers, photos, limos) and his parents are responsible for paying for their family's guests.

So -- i know i have to put her name on the invites since she is paying for her guests....but do I have to include her in planning other things?


SOrry so long

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Well I guess you don't have to include her in other things. But s since in laws are forking money out in general it's kind of out of courtesy. Maybe you can do the flower thing with the in law and once you've picked the centerpiece take your mom back on another day and if you want to make MINIMAL changes then that shouldn't be a big deal.
As hard as it is, don't argue over money. In the end focus on marrying the man you love.

In my case total opposite. I love my MIL. She and FIL actually want to help pay for over half the wedding. we on the other hand said no so we could avoid drama. I think once people invest money into the wedding no matter who they are, they feel entitled to give their opinion. I'm learning the more my FH and I do together the better. Once decisions are made then I share it with MIL. My mom it's differnt cause I want to tell her everything. I think for the groom's mom it's hard cause no matter how close you are to her you still have your own mom. It's a little complicated.
In the end remember that they all love you and want your day to be special.
Sorry so long

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Posted by Snowflake08

if she isnt paying for anything, she has no say - thats how i feel
my mom asked if i wanted to put my inlaws on the invitation - i said HELL NO
they arent paying for anything so im not putting their names on

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I agree. if she's not paying then she need to shut up and get a life.

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Posted by mnucci

Anyone having FMIL issues? I AM! She says nasty things and tries to make them sound sweet -- its really pissing me off....and I was gonna ask her to come to the bridal show with me and my mom, but now I dont think I am going to. My friends just keep telling me to kill her with kindness---way harder said than done. Plus, I kinda want the bridal planning as something me and my mom can share. Anyone else wanna vent about their FMIL? -- feel free to join me!

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UGH! LOL I hear you. I mean, don't get me wrong...she's not a TOTALLY evil demon... LOL BUUUUT...my FMIL can be manipulative, controling, condescending, opinionated, closed-minded, and is in total denial over the fact that she's been divorced 10 years and that her ex has been remarried for 4! She still talks about her ex as if he quick went to the supermarket and will be back any minute now. I hear her say alot 'when we were a family' as if she and her three kids aren't a family anymore. Breaks my heart because she hurts FH so much. I HATE giving her any details about what i'm doing for the wedding because she's always got something to say about SOMETHING (usually it's HER way that seems to be the right way). For instance, when FH told her that the eparty guest list was getting a little high, and that we were struggling to figure out how we were going to pay for it, HER opinion was 'Well perhaps you shouldn't be making it such a lavish affair and limit it to parents only.' She doesn't seem to understand that 'immediate family' to me automatically includes the 15 people that raised me. And lavish affair? Dude i'm having it in a restaurant. Perhaps you should offer to pay for SOMETHING (i dont' care what, pay for a pitcher of sangria!) instead of offering your backhanded opinions. Yeah that's the other thing, my parents are pretty much footing for everything, and FMIL hasn't offered so much as a dime. But she sure has hell told me three or four times that us NOT getting married in a church is 'Not what she wanted.' Yeah ok, i'll get right on that.
I really just want to keep the planning to me, my mom, and my sister. I feel like because her own daughter stopped speaking to her over a year ago that she's trying to turn me into her. Dude, i'm all for being your son's wife and your daughter-in-law, but i HAVE a mom. And please stop trying to mold me into something you think would work better for YOU.
Oh boy, now i'm just mad again. LOL And I have to have a one-on-one dinner with her this sunday. I'd rather put hotsauce in my eye. GRRRR

thanks for letting me b*tch and moan. grrr I hope FH doesn't read this. LOL

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Posted by Snowflake08

if she isnt paying for anything, she has no say - thats how i feel
my mom asked if i wanted to put my inlaws on the invitation - i said HELL NO
they arent paying for anything so im not putting their names on

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Is that what ettiquette calls for? Because seriously, I don't think his mom is paying for a damn thing, and I'm not so sure his dad & wife can. If it's just us and my parents paying for everything, should I not put the in-laws names on the invites?

IMO....It is very important to have a nice relationship with your FMIL and all FH's family. If it means biting your tongue or swallowing your pride it's worth it. In the end it will cause friction bw you and FH and if she really is manipulative your giving her what she wants!

I am lucky with my future inlaws they are awesome, thank god!