? for Mothers of the Groom

My mom is going to be very involved in all the wedding plans. I also feel very comfortable asking her with help for everything, even if it is seen as an imposition, she's my mom!

I also want my MIL to feel involved, but I don't want her to feel as if I'm imposing on her. What kinds of things can I ask her to help with to make her feel involved while at the same time not burdening her?

TIA!

I'm a recent MOG and I wasn't asked to help with a thing. Let me tell you, it hurt so much. He's my only son. I was so pushed out the entire wedding planning, it was heartbreaking. it was a real drama for me.

Your very thougtful to include your FMIL. I would of loved to be imposed on.

some things that you could ask her to help/do:
- put favors together (if needed)
- help with the invitation assembly
- shop with her for her gown/dress
- schedule a time/day to visit the catering hall
- ask for opinions, suggestions
- ask her to go with you for tux viewing

My daughter will be married October 31st, I'm very invoved. Her FMIL went with them shopping for tuxes. Then both sets of parents went with them to a tasting and a tour of the Miller Place Inn.

Always remember though, its the little things that add up to alot. It never hurts to ask. It hurts when not asked. Afterall, its her son's day too.

Hi there. I just read this and I think it's grat to include FMIL. I have involved FMIL in a lot of ways. We happen to get along really well so it helped ... but some of the things I did were:

- FH & I took her and my mother to the reception hall when we booked. (FH & I had already decided but wanted them to see it)

- FH & I took both sides to dinner there so they could taste the food

- I took FMIL dress shopping with me. She cried when I found my dress :)

- When FH was sick one night she came with me to see a photographer

- I asked FMIL to gather addresses and help me organize them into an excel spreadsheet (she's good at that)

- We talk about her wedding alot - she's a widow now and it's good that she can talk about such good times - but I think that any FMIL would look back on their day too during this time and reminice (that is if they were happily married!)

- We talk about cookware and fine china and bedding and apartment decorating. She likes that I bounce ideas off of her and ask her what she thinks. Even if we don't agree on styles all the time, we enjoy browsing through magazines and getting ideas



It isn't so much as I gave her a list as I kept her in the loop. If I was excited about somethng I would call her and tell her the news and she was genually excited for me. And then when I ask her to *help* or come with me somewhere, I know it's because she wants to and not because I made her crazy!

I am the mother of the groom and mother of the bride. Both my kids are getting married, withing one year. I know how it feels to be left out of certain things, so I go out of the way to include my daughters future in-laws in whatever I could.
My fdil does however to try to include me in whatever she can that doesn't step on her mother's toes. We have a great relationship.
Dress shopping is a great way to bond with your fmil. Showing pictures of things that you are doing helps also.

HI, I think you are a wonderful girl for being so sensitive and considerate of your FMIL. As the other two moms, I also have two weddings this year, maybe a third that will be quick and small when it happens.
Momneedstissues gave you a great list. I would say to your FMIL exactly what you said here. You would definitely appreciate her help and input but if she doesn't have the time you understand. In that case, you can involve her with pictures and details when you see her.
My daughter got married in May and her MIL was too far to do much. I would have loved her help making the favors or assembling the programs, menus and place cards. I called in friends for that. She did, however, handle all the details for the Rehearsal Dinner. All my daughter and SIL did was pick the place. She called the restaurant and selected the menu, did the seating and even gave favors for everyone. She was thrilled to do it. So far with my son's wedding I haven't been asked for anything besides the lists. I did say I would take care of the RD, so we'll see how that works out. I repeatedly offered my help but everything seems to be under control. I'm not bothered by it as much as I may have been if this wedding came before my daughter's. I saw first hand how things get done, and often on the spur of the moment. And the less time a bride has the more is left to her mom.
Good luck. I hope she appreciates what a thoughtful DIL she will have soon.

what if your FMIl shows no interest in helping out with anything wedding related?

My FMIL doesnt ask about our wedding at all, as if we arent even engaged....

what do you I do in a situation like that?

Do you know the reason for her apathetic attitude? Is she menopausal and maybe having problems with an empty nest? Is she jealous that another woman is now more important to her son than she is, or can it be something that bothers her about the plans that are being made? She may see your Mom being very involved and she doesn't know what she can do to help. Maybe someone could try to get her talking about it and see what she's thinking - your fiance, her husband, a daughter, or someone else she's close to and would open up with? I would offer to take her to see the receptiion hall or church for starters. These are always exciting and makes it feel like it's really happening.

In the end, it is definitely her loss and hopefully she will come to realize it.

When my only son got married this past July, I almost begged to help with things, but the bride just refused. She came straight out and told me that its the brides parents that are responsible for all details of the wedding and that I should be concentrating on my daughters up coming wedding. The slap in the face still hurts. No matter what I offered to do, help with, even pay for, NO was always the answer. I then just stepped back and let her run the show (sort of speaking).

Your absolutely correct, they should make themselves involved. Afterall, it is their sons day also. they just might regret it later on that they didn't lift a finger for their son.

My son, as my daughter are the most precious things in life to me and I would do anything for them. Every set of parents are different. I for one want to be with my children every step of the way of their lives, past, present and future. Be there as much for them as they would allow me to. They are my special gift from God.

Keep us Mom's posted. We're here to help.

thank you for your response. I feel bad because I know my FH feels bad they are not doing anything. I just dont know if these people realize that this is not something ridicoulous..this is their sons wedding....I know that people have different tastes, values, and nonone knows the others bank account but still. you have more then enough time to save, and forget the money part what about just asking what they can help with. I know his mom and I have totally different tastes but I have never once turned down or made any kind of gesture that would imply i do not need or want her help. I am picky and make that clear to everyone my mom too, to not take offense but that is me. Its just aggravating because then I have to look at my FH and and then look at my parents who are old school and just dont understand their behavior.

any help, thoughts or ideas I would so much appreciate. A halloween wedding? that was my dream. I hope everything goes wonderful for you i would love to hear details.

Moms--

I'm having a similar situation, but with a twist. My FH parents live in Florida. This as is makes things a little difficult to include them in planning.
My parents are a little old school. They still believe Bride's and Groom's parents are responsible for paying/planning certain things, and keep asking me if his parents have offered to help.
My FH and I were intent on paying for the wedding ourself, however my parents are paying for the reception, and other things as the occasions arise.
My FH parents haven't offered to help $ wise or in planning yet (we're engaged 1 year). The twist is....my FH has been married before and is 34 years old, I'm 26. I don't get a feeling that they are willing to help plan, or help pay because of this being his second marriage. In one instance I remember they said we should have a small affair, and keep everything down in cost.
This is my first marriage (and only), my FH and I want to have a great wedding.

Should let my FH speak with his parents about being involed in our wedding day, or should I say something....

Sorry if I wrote too much.

You said what your thinking and thats what we're here for. Speak all you want!

My daughter is being married October 31st, and though I don't live that far away from her, I do live 4 hours away. Distance should not make a difference in helping plan for your childs wedding. I'm just as involved as if I lived near her on Long Island. There are more ways than one for them to help. From getting them involved in lists down to asking opinions. If she is a crafty lady, maybe she could make things. So many girls on the boards are so talented that you could get ideas and bring them to you FMIL and ask her to make them.

The fact of this being his second marriage really shouldn't have any bearing on the matter. Some parents feel that second marriages whould be kept smaller, and this might be true for some, but, if this is the way they feel, you could always ask for her list from his side and keep that part low keyed. Do you see where I'm coming from? You also might know what they are feeling being his second marriage. A very good word of advice and please take this from one who knows only to well 'try to get them involved. As a recent MOG, it was very hurtful for me not to be asked to help or be involved with my only sons wedding this past July'. She might just be waiting for you to ask her!

I think you both should speak with his parents and let them know your feelings and what you would like for them to do/help with.

Though long, I hope I've helped in some way. Keep us posted!
Gina

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. My FH and I met with his parents recently and we spoke about the wedding. I explained how I felt re: our wedding and I made it a point to let my FMIL know that I want her to be 'really involved.' I also discussed the money situation with them. They still didn't offer to pay for anything specifically, but they let us know that they would be willing to help if need be. Communication really is the best way. Tonight my mother, my FMIL and I, are going to the bridal expo at the Mariott...trying to get some bonding time before she goes back to Florida.

Thanks for your help...you helped me see things more clearly. I appreciate it.

That's a wonderful start! Good for you to come forward.

There are two ways that their not expressing financial help. 1 being they might not have the ability to contribute, 2-they might be old school and feel that its the brides parents that make all the financial decisions.

I'm in a position, financially, that I could not help with either of my children's weddings, but I look at it this way: there is not any amount of money that could take the place of my love, devotion, guidance, heart and helping hands.

You stated the best word, 'communication'. With that, everyone will be on the same page as you.

I'm here to guide if you need. I'm happy that issues are on the right track. Keep those lines of communication open and I guarantee you, it will be fine.

Enjoy your bridal expo! Here's a big for the great job your doing now!

Mom Needs Tissues,

Thanks. Last night we went to the Expo and we had a great time. She mentioned at the Expo that they would be willing to pay for the Limos. I thought that was very nice. I understood that they were on a fixed budget (both are retired and 57 years old)..however, they are going on a cruise in OCT and going to Italy for a 3rd time in NOV for 23 days. They are constantly going on vacations, or mini vacations (maybe they deserve it.)

So maybe that is why I felt a little hurt when my parents took out a home equity loan to fix the house up and help us with the wedding, and his parents were going on vacations.....so maybe that leaves us with the 'old school' theory.

I am lucky that I have great future ILs. They are very nice, and they are always on the go. I also know that they want the best for my FH and I. And now I know that I can talk to them. Also, what I realized from all this is, I may be marry their son, but I am marrying into a family. and soon will be making 1 whole big family...

Thanks again for your help!