for Xelindra, hsdfl & all the other gals who need a good laugh... the re-vamped Rules

originally posted by WithThisRing... enjoy gals!
Rules to follow to not upset or stress the Bride

Rule #1 if the invite says Mr and Mrs that means just the husband and wife are invited which means you have enough notice to find a babysitter. If you can not find a baby sitter in 2 months then either you have a serious problem or your children are the children of evil and no one wants to watch them which means you should stick them in therapy.
Rule #2 if the invite says 2 people this does not mean the 2 people each can bring a guest. The invite is for the 2 people and the 2 people only on the invite
Rule #3 if your child is uncomfortable being dressed up will mean their is a possibility this child will decide to run under a table and take off all his clothes and run around naked. This does not make for good video footage no matter how cute YOU think it is. This is my wedding not the big football game on thanksgiving, their will be no nakedness. So if your child is uncomfortable being dressed up staple his clothes to his body so he can not remove them.
Rule #4 When the RSVP is to a specific person you call that person not that persons daughter and have her respond for you. The RSVP is to go to that person and it is that person you call
Rule #5 If you do not RSVP by the deadline you are automatically a will not be attending. Brides have deadlines and must give final head counts to the hall. This is not a free for all show up when you feel like showing up. This is a headcount affair and an RSVP is their for a reason. You read the fine print of a contract well read the invitation
Rule #6 if you stress the bride she has rights to kick you in the shins
Rule #7: Do not ask the bride during the reception to change his or her seat. If you don't like where you are sitting, you can sit at home!
Rule #8 - If you do not like the dinner choices, eat your salad and shut up. Do not ask the bride, nor should you harass the wait staff for something else.
Rule #9 - Do not ask the DJ to dedicate a song to your spouse/parents/significant other. This is not your day, throw your own party. Nor should you ask the Bride to take time out of her day to have a special cake or sing for someone's birthday/anniversary. The Bride has wasted countless hours and $$$$$ for HER party - let it be her day. If she wants to honor someone special, she will.
Rule #10-do not take more than one favor off the table, leave some for the others at your table.
Rule #11-Don't get drunk & stupid & harass others guests at your table or put them down.
Rule #12: Do not, under any circumstances, request for the DJ to play Pour Some Sugar On Me. While it is a great song, it is not a song to dance to.
Rule #13 Someone elses wedding is NOT the time to share big news like a pregnancy, and especially NOT the time to propose to your girlfriend. Save the proposal for when you get home, and share the news another time.
Rule #14- DO NOT, even if you are a BM, request to the bride that she make her ceremony 2-3 hours later than originally planned b/c you want to sleep in that day!
Rule #15 Do not ask the bride to change her wedding date because you can not attend her wedding.
Rule #16 do not assume you are automatically invited to a wedding because the family hasnt had a wedding in 10 years and you are in wedding mode.
Rule #17 Do not expect to be invited to a wedding that you didnt invite the couple to yours
Rule #18 If a cousin is getting married and invites the entire family except you and your parents to her e-party, shower and wedding do not expect the screwed over cousin to invite you or your family to her wedding.
Rule #19 A wedding is a formal affair which costs the bride and groom a lot of money. It is not a free 3 ring circus that will have a magician or balloon animals.
Rule #20 NO the bride and groom is NOT paying for a babysitter at the wedding. If you want a babysitter then you get one on your own. If you can not find one, then sell your kid to the gypsies.
Rule #21 If I havent seen or spoken to you in 20 years why would I invite you to my wedding??
Rule #22: If you cannot attend the wedding, send in your response saying so. All it requires is for you to check off 'cannot come', put the response in the stampled envelope, and put it in the mail.
Rule #23 Do not engage in idle conversation with the bride and groom about nonsence. They appreciate your attendence but don't care that you ran into traffic on the way and have 130 other people to say hi to.
Rule #24 Please try to refrain from taking pictures behind the photographer being PAID to take pictures, you are only ruining the professional pictures by distracting people in the shot.
Rule #25: Do not say to the bride I can't believe how beautiful you can look when you put some effort into it.
Rule # 26 - do NOT kiss the bride's face with your nasty, crusty 1980's hot pink lipstick on her $300 makeup job.
Rule #27 - do not wear white or ivory unless you are the bride, or unless you have the bride's permission to do so.
Rule # 28 - do not think that as a guest you are a better photographer, DJ, videographer, musician, Maitre'D, Bridal Attendant...etc than the people your Bride PAID TO DO THEIR JOB.... just shut up, eat, dance & be a friggin guest!
Rule #29: Never say 'I told you so' or 'you should have...' to the bride!
Rule #30...Do not ask the photographer for a picture of YOUR family and promise to pay for it when it comes in...We know you'll never buy it!!!
Rule #31- PLEASE don't steal the disposable cameras on the table- they are for the bride. Buy your own **** camera!
Rule #32 dont pretend to be nice to bride & groom, even if you are bitterly jealous
Rule #33 Do not come EMPTY handed
Rule #34Do NOT come EMPTY handed & give the gift to one of my guests (A threesome with you, my guest & his GF)
Rule #35 As a guest, you are expected to find your own
d*mn transportation. My friends are not cab drivers.....No whining.
Rule #36 Don't complain that I chose a place in a different county, keep B*tching, and it's getting moved to another state!
Rule # 37 Don't like the chilly February weather?
Good, stay home...it'll same me the price of your plate. Better than my guests all sweating like they would at a baseball game.
Rule # 38 Dress with class. You are not going to Webster Hall, you are going to a wedding. Dress like it. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE STARED AT ALL NIGHT, NOT YOU!
Rule # 39 Please refrain from asking the bride/groom/MOB/FOB/Fmil.FFil, etc, etc, etc....how much you paid per person. It's just plain RUDE!
Rule #40 Please don't expect that if we invite you from out of state/out of area, that you may automatically assume you are welcomed to stay in our house. I'm sorry, it's called a HOTEL. Look it up....(I mean, it's written right on the STD card, rates and all...Duh!)
Rule #41 Just shut up, eat, dance & be a friggin guest!!!!
Rule #42: Do not come up to the bride and groom in the middle of the reception and ask them who gets to take the centerpiece home. How many weddings have you been to? It's always decided amongst the table. I don't give a crap who gets it.
Rule#43 Do not get so drunk at the reception that you think it is OK to make-out like teenagers on the middle of the dance floor!
Rule #44 - After the 3rd rendition of 'Sweet Caroline', return the microphone to the PROFESSIONAL SINGER' we hired! This is not open mic night at the frat house boys! This is my wedding!!!

Rule #45: When the bride & groom come around to say hello...this is not the time to tell them what is wrong with your wedding.
Rule #46: 'So when are you going to start having kids?' is a personal and inappropriate question to ask a bride on her wedding day. ONE THING AT A TIME!
Rule #47: If you are not in the bridal party, stay out of the bridal party photos. If you are not in my family, stay out of my family photos.
Rule #48 - Please do not show up with your kids when I specifically went through the whole awkward conversation explaining that no one is bringing children to the wedding.
Rule #49 - Please do not show up with extra guests you did not RSVP for...since your friend/family member had nothing to do that day. This is not a house party. We need a headcount for a reason.
Rule #50- Please don't RSVP with a date when you KNOW you won't have one. You haven't brought a date to any function we know of, but suddenly you will for our wedding? And THANKS for the big 4 day notice that you decided not to bring one! It's been paid for already!!
Rule #51- please do not allow completely drunken guest the microphone for the video, what they have to say will not please anyone.
Rule #52 - Do not give a gift that you KNOW is not a nice gift, because it will just be re-gifted onto someone else, possibly one of your children when they get married.
Rule #53-Please don't give a gift with the price left on it ($19.99)
Rule #54-Please don't wear white, it's not your turn
Rule #55 Please don’t call the bride 3 days AFTER the RSVP date to tell her you are not bringing a date anymore.
Rule #56-don't bring your date to the wedding & have sex in the bathroom or in the bridal suite and get caught!
Rule #57 - Do not make comments about the menu (food or desserts). No one cares that parsley gives you gas, or that the strawberry cake filling will give your darling husband hives. Eat something else.
Rule #58 - If you are bringing your children, you need to be able to control them. It is not the Bride's responsibility to entertain your bratty child. (Although some do make an excellent effort!!) Do not let your child run wild, do not let them color on the linens or the floors, do not let them pester the vendors. If you can not control your child, the bride may find it necessary to have your child caged or locked in a bathroom.
Rule #59-While your green, pink, blue, red and yellow hawaiian shirt with flamingoes on it does have a collar, this does not mean you can put a tie on and pass it off as a dress shirt! If you wouldn't wear it to a job interview, please don't wear it to my wedding!
Rule #60 - Ladies, I'm sure your tata's are wonderful, but please keep them covered! This is a wedding, not 42nd street!!!
Rule #61- Do not show up to the wedding after you have RSVP'd no, eat and drink at the cocktail hour and leave before the bride and groom see you.
Rule #62- Cowboy boots and blue jeans with a black blazer might be good for a Texas hoe down, but not for a Saturday night wedding in May with 160 people attending.
Rule #63- If you are going to give a substantial gift, make sure the check will actually clear.
Rule # 64- If you do come empty handed, at least be sure to give a gift after the wedding. Yes there is the 1-year rule, however, whoever made this rule up, should be shot.
Rule #65- Don't ask your brother, the groom, to move his wedding to a time of year when the airfare is cheaper
Rule # 66- don’t ask the bride to explain where they are going for their honeymoon and how they are getting their- they will gladly give u details AFTER they have come home
Rule # 67- don’t wink or offer 'advice' on what to do during the honeymoon
Rule # 68- don’t RSVP if you cannot afford to at least by a heartfelt card!!
Rule # 69- don’t ask for directions AGAIN. it was included in the newsletter and in the invitation . Find another guest and just follow them
Rule #70- do not call the bride on the day of her wedding 10 minutes before the ceremony is suppose to start and ask for directions
Rule # 71- do not yell at the bride on her wedding day that she is running late
Rule # 72- do not receive an invitation to a party, then not RSVP put plan a BBQ the same day and not tell the Bride. Then send the bride an email telling her and everyone else the BBQ got postponed and yet still not have the decency to RSVP or even apologize for your childish behavior
Rule # 73- do not try and ruin the brides happiness because she didn’t ask you to be a BM
Rule # 74- Do not tell the bride you want to plan her wedding and do things your way thinking she would like it. Its her wedding, her dream and you are not the bride.
Rule # 75- Do not make the bride call your house to get your response, and if she does, call her back after the FIRST message, not the FIFTEENTH!! Weddings have deadlines you know.
Rule # 76- do not say, 'oh, it's ok, she's young.... she'll learn' (especially when the bride is (around) 30ish
Rule # 77 - Do not B!tch to the B&G about the NYS smoking laws during the reception..trust me they want a cigarette too & your whining is not helping.
Rule # 78- Don't get pregnant 6 months prior to a wedding, and not understand why your mother, also the mother of the bride, would not have the time to give you a baby shower a week before the wedding, because you live out of state.
Rule # 79- if the Bride wants you to go get measured so she can order the dress, go and get measured, the bride could care less that you have to travel a half an hour to go get measured, 6 weeks notice is more then enough.
Rule # 80- Don't tell the bride you are glad she went first so you could learn from her mistakes.
Rule # 81- Don't line up to catch the bouquet if you are under 18 years old...
And don't line up to catch the garter if you are over 40!!!!!!!!!
Rule # 82- If you didn't want to be a bridesmaid - DO NOT ACCEPT! And if you do - DO NOT SHOW UP TO THE WEDDING WITH YOUR HAIR UNWAHED, NO MAKEUP ON AND NOW JEWLERY ON!!!
Rule # 83- Do not hijack the photographer to take pictures of your family and do not hold up the photographer so you can take pictures when he has everyone posed. The bride and groom are paying for his time and photographs and may not want 40 pictures of you and your extended family!!
Rule # 84- Do not scream in church (or anywhere else for that matter) duing the bride's procession....'She's not wearing white!! Does that mean she's not pure'
Rule # 85- Do not tell the MOH...'Maybe someday you'll find a guy & have a wedding just like this one.'
Rule # 86- DO NOT GET THE GROOM SO DRUNK THAT HE FORGETS THE WHOLE DAMN@D WEDDING AND THEN PASSES OUT ON THE COUCH IN THE $400 A NIGHT BRIDAL SUITE... THE ROOM EXPECTS SEX, AND SO DO I!

LOL!!!
So, can I place this in with the invitations?

I actually just sent it as a mass e-mail to my entire address book.....
(Email is free....postage is expensive )

just emailed the list to my FH and dad. hehe

we are stinkers......

I consider it fair warning
hehe

I can officially now say 'I told you so' if someone f*cks it up

This is great!!!

Couldn't have said it better myself!