So my FH has 1 sister and I only have 1 brother so we agreed to have them in each of our bridal parties to have them involved and make it fair. I'm concerned about asking my FSIL for 2 reasons.
#1 she always asks to be involved and come along for wedding duties and urges me on how she wants to help, yet she has already declined 2 events. a bridal showcase at our venue and when all the girls went to see my dress.
#2 I know she has never been in a wedding party and I'm nervous she's going to accept and not realize the costs that come with it. the dress, shoes, hair, and throwing the bachelorette party. I only have my other 2 best friends as bridesmaids and I know they are going to go all out and I just imagine the time coming and them asking my FSIL to split costs and her being surprised and her feeling bad (which I want to avoid) and my friends feeling stuck with the costs (which I also want to avoid) I just don't know how to ask her and explain 'BM duties' without being rude and without her jumping with excitement and then me being the party pooper bring up $..
she also has 2 young daughters that aren't invited to the wedding because we're not having any children yet I can just imagine her bringing them to fittings and stuff and they really take all of her attention, they're a little bit of a handful so I'm nervous she's not going to be able to commit to this. I understand she has kids and they come first but I don't think she understands the responsibility of being a BM because she is not from the states and this is all new to her. not sure how to handle it!
ladygoodman
Posted:
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FSIL/BM issue..
Why don't you sit down with her and explain that you want her in your bridal party but it's a big responsibility and you understand if she doesn't want to do it. Explain everything to her, what you expect from her, duties, and cost.
Delgie
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FSIL/BM issue..
Maybe since she hasn't been in a wedding party before you should start off by saying something like, I would love for you to be a part of my wedding party. I know you have never been in one before so let me tell you how important a wedding party is to the Bride and Groom, and then explain it to her in detail so that it sounds fun and exciting. HTH!
Lori0413
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FSIL/BM issue..
You should also have FSIL meet your two friends who are also BMs too so they can get to know each other AND give your friends the opportunity to gush about your wedding and hopefully get FSIL really excited and want to help go all out too. It's going to be difficult, no matter what, for her to fully commit to everything when she's got two small children, so you do need to be understanding of that as well.
sgf2
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FSIL/BM issue..
I agree with the rest of the girls. But here's the thing: She may not be able to afford it. And if she doesn't know about the cost ahead of time, with the opportunity to choose to remove herself, she may be embarrassed later on because she can't afford things. She has a family, and has other expenses. But I know you don't want to embarrass her. So as uncomfortable as it may be to talk to her about it, you need to have an honest conversation about what you expect and what she will need to contribute to financially.
Hope it goes well!
Simonenarissa
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FSIL/BM issue..
Agree with what everyone is saying! And when you ask and you tell her you want to explain first, just make sure to say something like 'it would mean a lot to us but we definitely understand if its something you don't think you can do. We would rather you decline if you can't and be able to enjoy the process than stress out and resent it'
ASemderWedding
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Member since
FSIL/BM issue..
Ooo this is a tough situation. I think everyone is right and you should sit down with and explain the duties and associated costs. If she really wants to be a part of your wedding she'll make it work. Good luck!
chinadoll11550
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FSIL/BM issue..
Its a hard situation to deal with, I am dealing with something similar as two of my bridemaids have children and other expenses. Since I do want them to be a part of my wedding I have been open with all of them about the costs and what I expect. I have also been letting them research dresses that fit my theme/color for me to make a final choice from. I informed all my bp that I want everything to br affordable, girls dresses no more than $100. And maybe have the men buy suits rather than rent if the price is approximately the same and my fh and I pay the difference.
mmordocco
Posted:
Member since
FSIL/BM issue..
You should definitly do the sit down conversation. If you're worried about offending her, then you can use the 'I' approach that I learned in my psych classes lol Instead of saying 'YOU need to do this or that' say 'I feel like you should do this or that'.... or instead of saying 'You never come to anything I invite you to after you kept saying you wanna me involved' say 'I really want you to be there during this planning process. I feel like you never have time to put aside. What's going on?'
HTH =)
sgf2
Posted:
Member since
Re: FSIL/BM issue..
Posted by mmordocco
You should definitly do the sit down conversation. If you're worried about offending her, then you can use the 'I' approach that I learned in my psych classes lol Instead of saying 'YOU need to do this or that' say 'I feel like you should do this or that'.... or instead of saying 'You never come to anything I invite you to after you kept saying you wanna me involved' say 'I really want you to be there during this planning process. I feel like you never have time to put aside. What's going on?'
HTH =)
I totally agree with this!!! My cousin, who is one of my BMs, but is also a complete and utter flake and is totally self centered, constantly tries to make my wedding about her. I tried using the 'I' approach, and now she actually listens to what I have to say!! It just makes what you say seem less antagonistic.
