FUNNIES 12/21/10
I’ve heard jokes about how guys would love a limber bride, but somehow I always pictured that differently. After seeing this fancy lady the expression takes on a whole meaning. Her “signature move” is freaky, but it’s also kind of impressive. Mostly freaky, though.
“OK, now give me Sexy Bridesmaid! Lift those skirts! Show me those gams! Don’t be shy ladies. Pretend you’re trying to hitch a ride, and I’m the first car that’s passed by in several hours. I need you to commit! Oh, and groomsmen you can just stand there and do nothing. Thanks.”
HOW CUTE ARE THEY!?
i want a red panda!
--
Grabbing the cat to stabilize yourself after you lose your balance is never ever ever a good idea. #LFMF
--
When describing a traffic altercation, there is an enormous difference between 'She gave me the finger,' and 'She fingered me.' #LFMF
--
When calling your local radio station to request your favorite AC/DC song, NEVER ask the DJ if he has Big Balls. He won't remember that it's a song before calling you a pervert and hanging up. #LFMF
--
--
(732):
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
--
(540):
The only thing I really remember is repeating 'I hope I still have a job on Monday'. Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
(703):
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
--
(617):
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
--
(647):
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
--
(573):
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
--
(713):
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
--
(425):
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
--
(585):
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
--
Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML
--
Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML
--
Today, somebody knocked on my door. It was a florist with a beautiful arrangement of roses, and I got extremely excited until he said my neighbor wasn't home and asked if I could give them to him. FML
--
Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML.
--
Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him 'Sorry about being such a jerk' in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 'It's okay' messages in my inbox. FML
--
Today, I was at cheer practice. Our coach always mixes up our names. She called me Emma. My name is Katie. The coach is my Mom. FML
--
Today, I finally convinced my fiancé that 'It' will not come out of the shower drain and suck him into the sewers. He then took his first shower without me in five years. Five minutes later he ran out naked and screaming. There was a spider; he's arachnophobic. FML
--
Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML
--
Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML
--
Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said 'he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me.' FML
--
Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML
--
the end (for now)
