Funny Wedding stories/jokes
A little girl at a wedding asked, 'Mommy, why do brides always wear white?' The mom replied, 'Because they're happy, dear.'
Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, 'Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do men wear black?'
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. 'Put these on,' he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. 'There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big,' she said. 'Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,' replied the husband. Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, 'Put these on.' The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, 'There's no way I can get into these.' To which the wife replied, 'you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!'
A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, 'How was your honeymoon, dear?' 'Oh, mama!' she replied, 'The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic...' But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said 'but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!'
'Darling, darling,' her mother said, 'calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?' And, the daughter cried 'please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!' 'Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!' Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.
After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, 'What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?' The third man turned to the first two and said, 'Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!' The two men were dumbfounded. 'Wow that's incredible! What happened next?' they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, 'Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
One day while a wife was working in her kitchen, a cupboard door came loose and when her husband got home, she asked him to fix it. He told her, 'Do you see the word 'carpenter' written anywhere on this shirt?' She said 'no,' and he went on his way.
The next day while cleaning in the basement, she found the light didn't work. She changed the light bulb and did everything that she could to try to fix it, but it still wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she asked him, 'Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the basement for me?' He simply said, 'Do you see the word 'electrician' written anywhere on this shirt?' She said 'No,' and he went into the living room to relax.
The next day, a pipe in the kitchen began leaking. When her husband got home, she asked him to fix it for her, to which he replied, 'No, do you see the word 'plumber' written anywhere on my shirt?' 'No,' she said, again.
The next day, the husband returned from work and saw that everything was fixed - the pipe, the light, and even the cupboard! He asked her, 'Who fixed all of this?' To which she replied, 'I asked the neighbor to come over and help, and he gladly agreed.' 'Well, how did you repay him for his services?' he asked. 'Well,' she replied, 'he only asked for sex, or cookies.' The husband thought a moment then said 'So what kind of cookies did you bake him?' The wife quickly snapped back, 'do you see 'Betty Crocker' written anywhere on this shirt?'
A man was called to duty to help in the Crusades and decided that while he was gone, his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locked her up and gave the key to his best friend, and said, 'If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.' So, off the husband went on horseback, when a half-hour later he sees a cloud of dust in the distance behind him. As it came closer he could see his best friend galloping to catch up. 'What's wrong?' he asked his friend, who replied, 'You fool! You gave me the wrong key!'
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, 'If you were my husband I would poison your drink!' To which he replied, 'If you were my wife I would drink it!'
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, 'I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?'
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, 'I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?' 'Why not?!' giggled the woman. 'Good,' he replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'
Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, 'Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do men wear black?'
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. 'Put these on,' he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. 'There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big,' she said. 'Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,' replied the husband. Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, 'Put these on.' The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, 'There's no way I can get into these.' To which the wife replied, 'you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!'
A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, 'How was your honeymoon, dear?' 'Oh, mama!' she replied, 'The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic...' But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said 'but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!'
'Darling, darling,' her mother said, 'calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?' And, the daughter cried 'please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!' 'Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!' Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.
After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, 'What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?' The third man turned to the first two and said, 'Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!' The two men were dumbfounded. 'Wow that's incredible! What happened next?' they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, 'Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
One day while a wife was working in her kitchen, a cupboard door came loose and when her husband got home, she asked him to fix it. He told her, 'Do you see the word 'carpenter' written anywhere on this shirt?' She said 'no,' and he went on his way.
The next day while cleaning in the basement, she found the light didn't work. She changed the light bulb and did everything that she could to try to fix it, but it still wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she asked him, 'Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the basement for me?' He simply said, 'Do you see the word 'electrician' written anywhere on this shirt?' She said 'No,' and he went into the living room to relax.
The next day, a pipe in the kitchen began leaking. When her husband got home, she asked him to fix it for her, to which he replied, 'No, do you see the word 'plumber' written anywhere on my shirt?' 'No,' she said, again.
The next day, the husband returned from work and saw that everything was fixed - the pipe, the light, and even the cupboard! He asked her, 'Who fixed all of this?' To which she replied, 'I asked the neighbor to come over and help, and he gladly agreed.' 'Well, how did you repay him for his services?' he asked. 'Well,' she replied, 'he only asked for sex, or cookies.' The husband thought a moment then said 'So what kind of cookies did you bake him?' The wife quickly snapped back, 'do you see 'Betty Crocker' written anywhere on this shirt?'
A man was called to duty to help in the Crusades and decided that while he was gone, his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locked her up and gave the key to his best friend, and said, 'If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.' So, off the husband went on horseback, when a half-hour later he sees a cloud of dust in the distance behind him. As it came closer he could see his best friend galloping to catch up. 'What's wrong?' he asked his friend, who replied, 'You fool! You gave me the wrong key!'
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, 'If you were my husband I would poison your drink!' To which he replied, 'If you were my wife I would drink it!'
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, 'I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?'
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, 'I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?' 'Why not?!' giggled the woman. 'Good,' he replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'
