Okay, for anyone who hasn't read my posts thus far today, I'm in a bit of a funk. I am the grumpy old man who lives down the block and throws things at the kids. I am the grumpy lady at work who sneers at everyone who says good morning. And I am the grumpy woman who picks fights with kids on the subway (I really have been this last lady, but that was a few years ago).
I'm trying to recover, but it's slow going. I will try to post another more cheerful top 5 later today. Since Donna's mom scooped me with the Vacation and fave things you own lists (great minds think alike!), I'm trying to settle on another option. But for right now, this one seemed to go with my mood.
So please list the top 5 things that make you go so insane with rage that you can do nothing to make yourself feel better except shop, eat, or eat.
1. Voice Mail menus. I think this is the all-time worst invention. I literally get a pit of despair in my stomach every time I have to call a large company, like a health insurance company.
Subsets of this topic: Worst things to hear on a voice mail menu: When you press 0, the old school trick for getting a person, you get this one 'That is not a valid option.'
Or on a voice recognition menu, when you say 'I want to speak to a representative', it responds, 'okay, in order to transfer you to the correct person,please tell me a little bit about why you are calling'. I'm calling to speak to a representative, you disembodied voice. At least I have a soul, loser.
The worst thing to hear on these menus, after you have hit every option in God's creation: 'Goodbye'. For no good reason. I think this should be grounds for justifiable homicide. Whom to kill, though? It's not like it's a real person. So instead of killing the guilty party, I kill myself with increasing rage, thereby increasing my cortisol levels, and resultingly, by belly fat (if those commercials are to be believed).
2. Anyone who drives a car but me, and who happens to be on the same road at the same time. Especially if said driver is driving a minivan in the fast lane. There should be a rule- no minivans in the fast lane. I also CANNOT STAND when people mess up when they drive, and I look over, and they're on their cell phone. I SWEAR, I was right by my house and stopped by a red light, and some girl who couldn't have been more than 25 blows through the opposite stop sign and almost crashes into me. She's on her phone, with a tiny dog in her lap. If I could have turned around, I would have gone all Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome on her a$$. And the best part- as she drove right by me, she half-heartedly lifted up her hand as if to say 'excuse me, those signs are for you, not me. I'm too busy talking to whomever I can call when I get home to stop for oncoming traffic.' She did NOT, however, deign to make eye contact.
It's not like I'm totally against talking on the phone when you drive. But use the bluetooth, or talk when it's an emergency. But please. Have some common sense. This makes me crazy. Can you tell?
Also, people who fail to signal, and people who love to drive slow in the fast lane, or fast in the slow lane. Know who you are and where you belong. I had an uncle who was much older, and he drove in the fast lane at 65. I asked him why he was in the fast lane, and he said, 'this is the speed limit. If they don't like it, they can go around me.' hello, crotchety!! When did you turn 95? He was just in a bad mood that day and wanted to make everyone else pay. He got some gratification from it, I think. That's what I think driving has become- instant rage gratification. I've said some things behind the wheel that I would NEVER say in real life. I hope this isn't just me.
3. A lot of perfume on the plane, bus or train. Okay, I know I'm in the minority on this one, but I am allergic to perfume. If I'm in an elevator with a woman who drowns in it, I have a migraine for the rest of the day, and feel nauseous. Now, I understand many of us love perfume, and I know a lot of them are lovely. But not everyone can tolerate it, or even likes it. When you put it on, it's not just for you, but for everyone in your immediate vicinity. What if they don't like it? And in essence, you're making them smell that for the entire time they're near you. I don't get this. And if you love it, wear it out at night! Wear it in your home! Or at least apply it conservatively. You could actually be causing someone else pain.
I was on a plane for a 4 hour flight once, and this woman came into my row. It was like someone suckerpunched me with bug repellent. Whether her perfume was nice or not, WHY WHY WHY would you wear it on a plane, where everyone is trapped with no air movement whatsoever? Put it on when you get there. Thank you.
4. People who sit on the 'outside' bus or train seat, because they think no one will ask them to move and share the seat, which, by the way, is intended for two or more people. And god forbid you ask them to move, and they will sigh and begrudgingly swivel around, and not even get up for you to get into the seat.
I was on the bus this morning, and it was packed to the point that people were standing. There was ONE seat left, and this guy was sitting on the outside, and trying his best to make sure no one sat next to him. He preferred to make people stand the whole way in to the city. As long as his coat had a seat, he was happy. I was obsessed with his rudeness, and actually flagged a guy down and pointed to the empty seat. The rude man was none too pleased.
This also applies to people with bags on the seats. Did your bags pay a fare? Then unless the train is empty, they should be sitting on your lap or the floor.
5. People who lie, or have no integrity, or who are fake. You can see these people a mile away, and they have no idea who they are, because they even lie to themselves.
6. Having to be fake to work-related people. Because you can't function any other way, and you are under paid obligation to do so. So does that, in effect, make me one of the people from point 5?? Probably.
I need a bagel right now. If I eat a bagel in order to save lives, is it really cheating? If I eat a bagel in order to save myself, isn't that okay? Please someone tell me it's okay.
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